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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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dad <3 - January 6th 2009, 06:31 PM

My dad died. A lot of years ago, when I was six or seven; it's not a new, big thing for me. Except that it's coming back into my life.

I had gotten better. I didn't greive right when he died... I waited a few years, and bottled it up and I guess that it's come back to bite me in the ass. Cause now I'm suffering from depression, trying to beat cutting, and my therapist is convinced that at least part of it is because my dad died.

I hate the idea of blaming my depression and cutting on him. It makes me feel weird and guilty, but I think that even if they do not have direct corelation, they're connected in quite a few ways.

It's just hard. Since I've been depressed I've been thinking about him a lot more, and I don't know if being a teeny bit suicidal is because I'm thinking of him, or if thinking of him is making me suicidal. I just want to be with him. My mom's got a new boyfriend and I know that they're serious because I (eewww) found her like vaginal birth control packet in the bathroom (how DISGUSTING is that?!). I miss him. Life is rough.

The word "dad" tastes funny. My friend's father once was like "hey, daughter," because I spend so much time at their house, and I replied "hey, Dad!... ... ...." It was really awkward for all of us, because he knew my dad... urg it was just weird weird weird. I imagine that he's still alive. I don't think that's very healthy. I miss him so much. Anyone else on here have a similar situation?
   
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January 6th 2009, 07:23 PM

I'm so sorry and well i'm pretty sure i know where your coming from only it was my mom and it was about a year ago, and has yet to sink in. Didn't take anytime for the cutting to come back though.
   
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Re: dad <3 - January 7th 2009, 06:40 AM

Hey Calla,
I am really sorry to hear about your loss. Your dad was obviously a very important person in your life who you loved lots. It is understandable that you miss him and I don't think you will ever be able to forget your dad, but maybe in time you will be able to focus on the positive memories you spent with him. I can understand how you feel because I have lost my mum and I was only young so it was a while ago. It doesn't really matter how long ago it was because losing a parent is one of the worst things. You have to remember what your dad would want for you. He wouldn't want you to be self harming because of him; he would want you to be happy and enjoying your life. He would be sad to see you hurting so much. I bottled it all up as well and then once I got older I began to miss my mum more and more. I guess you need to allow yourself to grieve, because bottling it up isn't going to help, since it will only come back to you later in life. Your mum having a new boyfriend must be really difficult for you to accept. My dad got re-married after my mum died and it really does hurt because it feels like they are replacing them. It is really hard Calla and you know I am always here if you ever want to talk.

Stay strong:-)
   
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Re: dad <3 - January 7th 2009, 11:09 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.I would be lying if I say that I know how you are feeling because I never felt such lost.The only lost I ever had is me broke out with my gf and I was devestated and even that type of lost already hurt so much I can't imagine loosing someone as dear as a dad.

The only thing I can say is that,we need to let go.When I say let got it doesn't mean forgot about that person completly.Letting go does not mean forgot.You dad will always be with you,in your heart and you know that he love you.

I'm sorry if I don't offer much a help but I hope you will better


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Re: dad <3 - January 7th 2009, 06:44 PM

Calla,

Even if it's been a lot of years, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think loss ever leaves us, and that's both a blessing and a tragedy. It means we can always remember the people we have loved, that are now gone, but it also means a lifelong battle with grief. It's not ever going to go away, but it can become easier, with time.

I think that one of the most important things to do, when we are faced with death, is to make peace with it. It's hard, almost impossible, but in making peace with our losses we enable ourselves to live fully, again. I don't know what, exactly, will help you to make peace. But a few things you can try are to write out your feelings or have a "ceremony" of sorts to say goodbye.

I think you may be right, to say that imagining your dad is alive, is a bit of a problem. What isn't problematic, though, is to talk to him. At least in my opinion, even if he can't hear you (which I believe he can) it's still okay.

Just remember that even though you cannot make new memories with your dad, the ones you have of him are yours to keep, forever. No one can take those from you, not even death.

Let me know if you need anything. Ever.



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Re: dad <3 - January 8th 2009, 11:11 PM

hey calla.

its never easy to lose a loved one.. however there are a few things you have to remember

those loved ones ..never truly leave. They're always looking up from high above, smiling upon you and blessing your every move hence, your dad is still alive because he lives on in your heart, forever.

I know its very painful to deal with this, but always remember that whenever you feel down, you can always come and talk to us, because we're here to help and listen.


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Re: dad <3 - January 9th 2009, 05:27 PM

I know exactly how you feel, Calla. Although my dad died two months before I was born. There are always awkward situations when someone will ask about my dad that doesn't know, and there are other situations like you explained that are just awkward and weird because of it. But it's okay. There will be some awkward times. And it's okay to feel however you want to feel. Even if it has been a long time, everyone grieves at different paces. I'm very, very sorry for your loss. PM me anytime <3
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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: dad <3 - January 9th 2009, 09:13 PM

Thank you all so much for responding. It's amazing to know who else here has gone through something like this, or who seems like a good choice to talk to if I'm feeling particularly sad.

I think that I have made peace with it. Or at least I HAD. I feel like I've accepted that he's gone, and that it's okay (not that it could ever be okay, but it's just like a part of my life now)... and that no matter what he actually can't come back. My mom has a boyfriend now, which I mentioned, and I'm actually fine with their relationship. It's been a while now so I'm used to him; he does make me think about my dad a lot.

Ugh, it's late (I'm such a sleeper). I can't think about this now, it'll make me upset. Maybe I'll check back in later on (slash in the morning, ha ha). Just wanted to say thanks to all for being so WONDERFUL.

-Cal
   
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Re: dad <3 - January 10th 2009, 12:12 AM

It really sounds like you've made a lot of progress and peace in your life! Just remember that you never have to forget him. You never even have to stop being sad that he's gone. It's completely normal for you to miss him always. He's a really important person in your life and will always have some affect on you. I'm glad you seem to be feeling better. Have a good night <3


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Re: dad <3 - January 10th 2009, 05:01 AM

Hi Calla,
I'm not going to say I know how you feel because i cant. But i can relate. My daddy died when i was nearly 4. People say its too young to remember, but its not. At the time it didnt effect me a huge amount. But now it does. For me its more a sense of loss. Of what i could have. Like watching friends with there dads, seeing children in the park.

No matter how hard it is, your dad would have wanted your mum to be happy. Its good your talking to a therapist. Time is a great healer, but he's your dad, he'll never leave.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: dad <3 - January 10th 2009, 08:57 AM

Maia, I can totally relate to the feeling of "what you could have." I think that right now, that's what I feel even more than sadness. Just wishing. Wishing he was here, wishing that I had a freaking normal life. There's just a piece missing. And no matter how old I grow or whether or not my mom remarries, that piece will be gone.

I have some dad-like figures in my life. Which is nice, but obviously doesn't fill the gap. I have "second moms" and can call them mom, but always go to call Dave or Mike dad and eew it just feels WEIRD.
   
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Re: dad <3 - January 12th 2009, 08:34 PM

I know it's difficult just keep your friends close.
i lost my dad on march 11, 2008

good luck; PM me if you need to talk <3
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Re: dad <3 - January 13th 2009, 02:54 AM

Calla,

I keep reading this thread, and then rereading it, hoping that I'll know what to say and I just can't come up with anything great. But I am really sorry for your loss. I don't know what it's like losing a parent but I do know how hard it is losing a close family member. Try to remember the good times with your dad and know that it's okay to still be sad. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.


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