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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Manda Mae :]
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Unhappy My mom - January 6th 2009, 06:32 PM

okay, so, hmmm.
i really don't know how to explain this, but ill try...
So, my mom killer herself last feb. and i don't want this to come out wrong, but i don't care.

like not that i literally don't care, but its like i guess i don't believe it. Like it never sunk in that she was gone, i never had a break down or anything. And at first i was okay with that, thinking it will just take some time. But now were coming up to one year and i'm starting to feel kinda heartless. I mean, i have'nt lived with her for the last 3 years and i only saw her once in a while, so i guess that might be why. But i'm really worried i might just crack one day, and i'm scared its gonna be in school or somewhere i really don't wanna be. I'm also worried is going to be tri-fold, like all the stuff is just building in the back of my head and its all going to roll out one day.

So i'm sorry this is long and i guess i'm asking for anyway to make it real, or at least someone to agree that i'm not as cold as i think i am.
Oh, and i really had to tell someone, i just moved to a new school and i'm trying to keep them from knowing for a little bit, until maybe after they know me...is that a good idea?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
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January 6th 2009, 06:42 PM

Hey there. First of all, since I don't recognize your username, welcome to the boards. You may or not have been a member on here before the great server downfall, as I like to call it. Either way, welcome back. [: Glad you made your way here.

I really am sorry to hear about your mum. Those wounds, the ones most near to our hearts, are usually the ones that take the longest to heal. I think there are stages you go through when you lose a loved one. Some stages last longer in some people than others last in other people. I do believe, though, that talking does help. It can and it hopefully will help you. No, I don't necessarily think you should pour your heart out to a new classmate, as their reaction might not be the best, but have you thought of talking to a professional or even another family member who was as close to your mom as you were?

You don't have to go through this alone--I think we were all meant to do life together. Please take care of yourself, and I appreciate you sharing your story. I hope that someone here will be able to suggest some things that will help you.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Lee Offline
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January 6th 2009, 07:42 PM

When you go to this new school, I think it would be best if you at least talk to the school counsellor about your worry that it's eventually all going to come crashing down hard at some point. From the sounds of things, you seem pretty level headed so I don't think it would but it's always a better idea to get a good opinion, especially one who is professional.
I know people always say "school counsellors suck" but they didn't get their degree from nowhere, did they?

As for telling your future friends - it's entirely up to you. People may ask you "what about your mom" and it's up to you whether or not you want to just say that she is not around anymore, or that she died. Or you could just tell them that you'd rather not talk about.

You don't sound cold at all.... maybe you are still in some form of shock over it?
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom - January 7th 2009, 05:59 AM

My mum killed herself when I was 13 hun. I feel exactly the same as you. I hate the bitch, as she left me and my younger brother abandoned without a mother, just coz she was finding it hard to cope. I know she had her own problems, but I just don't care. People might think I'm heartless, but I don't care about that either.

Never feel guilty for not feeling bad for this. I never cried at my Mum's funeral and I've never cried since. If she loved me, she'd be here. Thats what I think.

As for telling people, I just tell people I haven't got a mum. Usually they sense I don't wanna talk about it and leave it but if they push it I just tell them she died. Its no-ones business but your own. I've still never told anyone how she killed herself, not even my boyfriend and he's my sons father! Things are personal and I don't want to talk about them.

Don't worry about the future and how this will affect you. It won't for the simple reason you don't want it to. I worried too and I went through a very tough few years. But now I'm settled in my own house with my own family and I love my son more than anything and I'm determined not to be the mother to him that my mum was to me. If I can come through this a better and stronger person, so can you.

Your not alone hun, I know what your going through. Please, please don't hesitate to pm me if you need anything. The one thing I really want to say to you is never feel guilty for what your feeling, you can't help it. Take care, stay strong x
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom - January 7th 2009, 06:39 PM

Manda Mae, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had loved ones commit suicide and it takes a long time for it to sink in, so to say. I don't think you're heartless for not having what most people think is the "correct" response; everyone responds uniquely to tragedy, and that is okay. You don't have to have a breakdown. It doesn't have to tear your life apart.

I think that often, death doesn't seem real to us because we haven't made peace with it. When we don't, or can't, say our final goodbye to someone, we still hold hopes, hidden within us, that they will come back. Try saying goodbye to your mom. Maybe have a ceremony, or something similar, all for yourself, where you get everything off of your chest. If it will help, bury something of hers, or something that reminds you of her, so you have a private place you can go to remember her, talk to her, or just sit down and think.

The breakdown may never come, but if it does, we'll be here for you then, too. Let me know if you ever need anything. Anything at all.

Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us.
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
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I told you to be kind
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My mom - January 12th 2009, 06:51 PM

In the movie Elizabethtown, the main character's father has died. On the brink of apathy even before his father's death, Drew can't bring himself to care. To this, a new acquaintance assures him that "It'll hit you eventually. It may take ten minutes or it may take ten years, but they say it will hit you at some point."
And it will. It could be a tidal wave, or it could be just a mild awakening. Either way, it'll happen eventually. Just remember that it's not a disaster it takes you completely by surprise. If you need to, you can always ask to be allowed to go home (from school) if things get too hard to bear suddenly. People are generally very understanding.
There's no need to tell people unless you want to. A simple "My mom isn't around," will suffice if anyone asks.
Don't stress about it. People grieve in different ways, including not grieving at all. They end up okay in the end, and so will you. You'll be okay.

let me light up the sky, light it up for you
let me tell you why, i would die for you
When you whisper, you must be absolutely as sincere as when you scream.
9 out of every 10 problems in relationships can be solved by talking. So why are we so damn quiet?
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: My mom - January 12th 2009, 08:19 PM

If I had to guess I would say that there would be something that would have to trigger you. Some reason why you really feel like you need your mom in your life. I don't think everything would randomly come out of you when you were sitting in class one day, having the perfect day. So I guess I would just say, start paying a little bit of attention to signals that you've started to miss your mom a little. Even if it's just a simple comment you think to yourself that signifies that you miss your mom. I don't think it will come out of the blue, all your emotions. As for telling people, give it time. Eventually it gets easier. Sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it does. You don't have to spill everything to someone if it hurts you. And if you eventually want to, then that's great. But either way, no one's expecting you to tell them anything you don't want to.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Hope you feel a bit better soon!

A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts

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Re: My mom - January 16th 2009, 08:00 AM

Hi. Sorry about your loss. I lost my mum without warning too when i was 12 and what youve said sounds very similar to what happened to me. It wasnt that I didnt care, it just never really got to me i guess. It still hasnt and its been 6 years now. Theres times too where i feel heartless but everyone deals with these situations differently. My "break down" still hasnt come and being over 6 years ago, i dont think it will.
If you feel like things are building up behind you then trying to let it out will help to reassure you. even if its just little bits at a time rather than all at once.
IMO, wait until you are sure you have new friends that you can trust in your new school before you get into the sensitive issues. You dont have to tell them anything if you dont want but having someone to talk to i think will help.
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