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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Suicide Of A Friend. - August 11th 2009, 10:06 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, about 2years ago my friend hung himself. I say my friend but he was my boyfriend at the time. I know 2years is ages tbh and I should be over it but I still seem to feel it was my fault in some way. I will kind of always feel guilty because I don't actually know what made him cross that final line.
We had a good relationship and we talked about everything but he never told me he was that close. I knew he used to self harm but he's never attempted suicide and I helped him through his self harming and he stopped. I actually totally fell for him, I thought the world of him. It hurts now when I think of how happy we were.
I blame myself for the fact I didn't actually ever say goodbye to him because I didn't go to his funeral or anything. I couldn't. I went into a kind of depression for a little while but always put on a front so people didn't know. I couldn't talk about it to anyone and still I can't really. No matter what I do, when ever anyone mentions like death or suicide i think of him and have to 'escape' from everyone and have 5minutes on my own where I can sit and think in peace.

I feel like I won't ever properly get over him. It hurts so much. I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm numb about it. I've cried too many tears I can't cry any more. I lost my best friend and someone I cared for alot. I need help. I know it isn't healthy but I can't help it. Can anyone help?

x

Last edited by eunoia; August 11th 2009 at 10:35 PM. Reason: Added triggering prefix.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 11th 2009, 10:23 PM

wow, you obviously cared for him a lot.
loosing someone like that must have been a big ordeal, and i suspect its fairly natural to still feel sad and distressed.

you shouldn't blame yourself for not saying goodbye or going to his funeral, if it was just too much for you at the time, it couldnt be helped.
tbh, i think if he was still alive, he wouldnt have wanted you to be so upset, he probably didnt tell you he was so close, for fear of scaring you.

i dont have much of an idea how you can stop feeling sad, all i know is that this will take time, longer than just a few years, especially as it was such a big shock.

xx


   
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 12:19 AM

Hey there, Georgia.

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. When we lose someone who has lived a long and happy life, it is almost as if it is expected. As we grow up we come to understand that there is a "time" for someone to pass. Young people, though, aren’t supposed to pass away. It doesn't fit into the perfect world we dream of.

Suicide is perhaps one of the most sudden and heartbreaking ways to lose a person. It doesn't ever make much sense, how a person can hurt so badly that they take their own life. It's hard to imagine why they would want to leave us, when things, on the outside, seem to be going okay. You and your boyfriend shared a lot with one another, yet it made no indication of being suicidal. I can understand how that sudden revelation made it impossible for you to attend his funeral. I hope you know that he wouldn't blame you. At least I think he would understand.

Losing someone you love or care for romantically can be especially difficult. Your boyfriend was taken from you during what may have been some of the best days you had with him. Whether you just liked him a lot or loved him, those feelings you have are now trapped in time. You and he will never grow apart, and so you may find, for the rest of your life, that you love him in some way.

Making peace with his loss will take time. It has been two years, but in a lot of ways that means it us only been two years, you know? Saying goodbye is a final thing, and if you want that you can work towards it, but it will take time. No matter what, though, he can live on in your heart, Georgia. Although he is gone from you and from our world, you can always keep him with you.

I hope you're doing okay, or as okay as can be expected. Please know that TH is always here for you and that most certainly includes me. I'm just a PM away.



Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us.
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Last edited by eunoia; August 15th 2009 at 08:10 AM.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 12:26 AM

Hey Georgia.

First off, I'm sorry. I know how hard it is when someone you love dies. Especially as you often don't realise how much you loved them until after they're gone. Two years may seem like a long time from some perspectives, but really it isn't that long at all. Do not feel bad that you still miss him. There is nothing wrong with that!

I know it's hard but try not to feel guilty. You'll never know what gave him that final push, its one of those questions that no matter how hard you try to find an answer I doubt you ever will. Don't blame yourself though Georgia, whatever it was, it was probably miles out of your control. I know that isn't much comfort, I'm sorry.

It sounds like you truly loved him, from the way you talk about him I have no difficulty believing that your relationship was truly very special. You helped him through giving up self harm. That's one of the toughest battles people can face, giving up something that you are so dependant on. The fact that you managed to help him through this shows that he must have trusted you and truly loved you Georgia.

Feeling suicidal is one of the hardest things fo people to talk about. There are probably hundreds of reasons he didn't tell you about it. Maybe he was just waiting for the right time? Telling someone you love something as ground breaking as that is something that never seems to lend itself to an appropriate moment.

I know how hard it can be to think back and remember how happy you were. I know vividly how bitter you can feel afterwards. But try and remember that he would want you to smile when you remember him. He would want you to remember all the good things.

Saying goodbye doesn't have to be the traditional "attend-the-funeral-last-respects" thing, if that is what helps you to heal then fair enough. But that isn't necessarily how it works for everyone. Why don't you go somewhere that the two of you used to go together, somewhere quiet, and just say goodbye to him in your own way. Don't be afraid to talk out loud, think about all the things you would have said to him if you had thirty more minutes with him, and just say them all. It may sound stupid but it helps.

Suicide is a tough topic for anyone to talk about. But its even harder when you've lost someone to it. I'm proud of the strength you have to be able to walk away and sit in peace and think. That is one of the best things you can do. Think or write things down. Its better to have them out in the open than supressing them.

I know it hurts Georgia, I'm sorry. It takes a long time to grieve. Everyone is different. This worked for me: write down everything you loved about him. Maybe it was the colour of his eyes? Or the weird music he liked? Or a thousand other things. Everytime you think about him try and think of one more positive attribute to add to your list. That way you're beginning to think of him more as the person you loved, and less as the person you've lost.

Stay strong Georgia, you can get through this.
Tegan ♥


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Whispers "hello, I missed you quite terribly"



Last edited by Tegan; August 12th 2009 at 12:29 AM. Reason: Awfully worded sentance which NEEDED to be changed.
   
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 02:08 AM

Hey Georgia,

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. It's always hard to lose someone, especially someone that meant so much to you. Suicide is the worst way of death to have to deal with. No matter how many years it takes, you should never feel that you should be over the death.

There are many ways that you could try and get your mind off of things, something that I found helped when coping with my friends death was I wrote a letter saying goodbye and stuff, then i dug a little hole next to the grave, and buried it there, so it was next to her forever.

Even though you didn't go to the funeral, its still not too late to say goodbye. Go visit where he was put to rest. Say goodbye there, if its too hard, then maybe bring a friend, or someone that you trust.

Take your time to get over what has happened, it may or may not happen. Have you tried seeking professional help? Maybe that might help a bit.

If you need anything else, feel free to PM me
Stay strong, you can get through this
Brittany



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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 11:50 AM

Firstly I'd just like to say a huge thankyou to everyone who's given me advice, etc. I really love the idea of writing the letter and putting it beside his grave, that would probably help alot. Also thankyou to everyone else who explained their views because it's really helped.

I think everything is becoming a bit easier and I understand it will take time. I just can't thank people enough for taking there time to read my problem and putting their opinions on here because I know it will help me alot.

I will probably talk to some of you anyways
probably most of you

thankyou so much again xx
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 04:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by KitCat View Post
Firstly I'd just like to say a huge thankyou to everyone who's given me advice, etc. I really love the idea of writing the letter and putting it beside his grave, that would probably help alot.

No problem! The letter thing helped me soo much when my best friend passed. Stay strong



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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 12th 2009, 11:46 PM

Hey Georgia,
I know just how earth shatteringly upsetting losing a best friend can be, i've recently lost three of my dearest friends, two to suicide. I can assure you though, it takes time to heal from such a loss. Just because he's been gone two years, doesn't mean you have to be over him. Especially since you've been hiding your feelings like you said, or "putting on a front." Everyone heals differently, and on their own time. They're own way. But try not to distance yourself from your family and friends. They can help you through this time. Just take it one day at a time. Don't think "oh tomorrow I have to do this and this and it's so overwhelming with him gone I can't etc..". Just take baby steps. Never forget him and your times together though :]


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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 14th 2009, 11:49 AM

Thankyou
Everything is starting to help me, I think it will be easier for me to start to accept it kind of.

It's really nice of all of you to give me advice for this, it's really appreciated.

Can't thank you all enough xx
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Re: Suicide Of A Friend. - August 26th 2009, 07:17 PM

hi sweetie-- i am so sorry. my exboyfriends best friend hung himself too a few years back too. its tough, but it is not your fault. he was hiding it from you because he probably didnt want to hurt you. its painful, and i undersatnd that. but he is watching over you and you can talk to him! he is listening! PLEASSEE message me if you need to talk, because i understand! good luck =]
   
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