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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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ThePunkAlien Offline
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I'm beyond lost - September 15th 2009, 04:04 AM

My life is spiraling out of my control. I thought I could handle it, but I'm really losing whatever handle I had over my life. Over Christmas break my cousin died, same age and we were practically raised together when we were growing up - so it's in-between losing a sister and cousin, difficult to put into words. I could probably deal with that, but thing is it triggered memories of my birth parents who I lost the moment I was born. Apparently family deaths can make these emotions surface and ever since then I've been falling into this really dark hole.

Over the summer I started drinking more and more. Then I stopped. Thought seeing a therapist might help, but according to him it'll take a year - I can't go through this for that long. I've started turning back to alcohol. I know it's wrong. I even drank before going to class today and I'm highly considering doing that tomorrow morning too. I even started thinking about pot and what medicine I could easily get that would help make me feel nothing.

I don't know if I can get through this in one piece, I seriously don't. I'm trying to put on a brave face for my adoptive parents, they like to see me as strong - I don't want to show them how much shit my life has been becoming. When I was home it all got worse and I'm somewhat afraid to go back for a while because things get worse there - I constantly thought of suicide, tried to see what rope/belt was best for hanging, wrote a suicide note, the whole nine yards. Here on campus, I could only last about two weeks before starting to become an alcoholic again. I mean three beers yesterday, three beers today (one before class), and picking up more tomorrow. I just don't know anymore.

My friends tell me what I'm doing is wrong. But, I just blow them off in my mind. Part of me knows they're right, but the other parts like "hey, dude I fucking lost my parents give me a freakin' break, you don't know what that's like!" I try to put on a brave face, but the only time I'm able to almost get close to smiling is after drinking which says a lot about my life now.

I don't know why I'm typing this. Maybe to just get it all out there. Just, I fucking hate my life and want to die. Want to trade places with my cousin, because then I wouldn't have to go through all this shit. She committed suicide, at times it sounds like a smart idea. But, I'm too scared to actually do anything so I just drown and poison myself.

I got a traffic ticket the other day, what my parents don't know is that it was because I was so pissed off and sad that I didn't care whether I lived or died. Maybe part of me was hoping I would die in the process or maybe I was doing that unconsciously to try to wake them up to everything raging in my head. I've started speeding again now from time to time whenever things get hard.... even though one more ticket and my license gets suspended from a year, I've got three strikes now.

I just, I don't know. I feel like I'm seriously losing my grip on my life. I'm drowning and beyond lost. I never felt this horrible - ever. Not only do I have to deal with my cousin's death, being an outsider, but it feels like I just lost my parents a couple months ago and it's all taking a toll on me. Nothing's as important as it once was, I'm falling behind in school work, I'm not as motivated as I once was, I forget things. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I knew that before going to class drunk, but it's like a part of me needs that. So, yeah, that's my fucking rant or whatever that was. I'm somewhat toxicated at the moment & don't know if this whole thing will make sense, but whatever.

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; September 15th 2009 at 04:39 AM.
   
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Re: I'm beyond lost - September 15th 2009, 04:41 AM

Hey Josh. I'm really sorry about your loss--both your parents and your cousin. I can honestly say this because over Christmas break, I attempted suicide myself, so I have a bit of perspective about your cousin. Reading your thread and seeing how her loss has affected you has made me realize how thankful I am to be alive today. But I digress.

You dont need me to tell you that the alcohol thing is bad and can quickly turn into something worse--you know that. As for the therapist thing, I think it can help (though it never personally helped me). The one says it will take a year, is s/he the only available one near you or are there others you can try?

I know you're hurting right now, so bad that you're turning to alcohol and dangerous behaviors. Its all shitty now but it will get better, you have to believe it will. You've lived your whole life with the loss of your parents , you know you're strong enough to deal with that. Your cousin's death is a hard blow but you can take it, Josh. You've survived the one of the worst losses a person can have and you're still here. You will survive this.

If writing it all out helps, then by all means do so. I know you're in a bad place now but you mentioned that you had managed to stopped drinking over the summer. This means you definitely can again. Like I said before, you just have to believe this will get better and it will, eventually. I hope this helped a bit and even if it didn't, I hope you know someone will always be here for you if you need it.


Yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers
But everything that lives is born to die
And so I say to you that nothing really matters
And all you do is stand and cry.


Music is life. Start living.
   
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Re: I'm beyond lost - September 16th 2009, 12:05 AM

I've never dealt with the loss of my parents, I pushed it into my unconscious to the point that I never had to think about it. Now most days it's the only thing on my mind. I'm not able to pinpoint exactly what it is that's getting to me most. I can't find a reason to fight anymore, maybe if I found that I'd have a way out... but, I don't - at least not now. Gonna start drinking again soon after telling a friend I'd stop earlier today because I just can't hold on like I used to. Plus the only way I was really able to stop last time was I went home and didn't really want my adoptive parents seeing me that way. Even though I was haunted by constant thoughts of suicide there - like imaging a million different ways I could off myself, educational huh? I just, I lost control of the wheel.
   
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