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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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shelliehardcore Offline
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Unhappy mom... - October 12th 2009, 07:28 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm new here.. well not really new. I used to come to this site alot before I came out. it really helped then so I'm hoping it will help me now...

on june 1 I found my mom in her apartment... she had been... dead (I still can't bear to say that word outloud) for at least 4 days... I did not see her like that becuase the the apartment manager went in first and I was paralyzed with fear. I think about it every second of every day... that day.. the smell of decay... the heat of summer. calling my brother and my dad. having a complete and total melt down in the parking lot.

sometimes it doesn't feel real... like it didn't happen.. like she's still alive.. and I'm thinking it's because I never saw her body. the medical examiner strongly advised against it.

I think about her funeral every day too... I think of my own funeral. I think about killing myself on a daily basis. please don't misunderstand when I say I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. its just a fleeting thought... like if I'm driving and I see a car coming toward me in the other lane I wonder what it would feel like to swerve in front of it... I guess I've always kinda been like that..

there have only been 2 times I have cried about this... on the day it happened... and at the funeral... I want so badly to cry some more... but I can't. I can't muster up the strength to cry. I don't feel strong enough to fall apart.

I don't really know what I'm looking for on here... I know the questions I have will never be answered...

I guess I just want to know that I'm not crazy. that this is normal. that I'm not suppose to be better yet... that its ok to be numb to everything right now... that its ok to just feel nothing for awhile.. I feel like I should be moving on... everyone else in my life seems to be doing a great job of that.. but it feels like I'm stuck.

I spend my time saving up all of the memories I have of her. keeping every detail close so that I never forget.. but I feel these memories floating away.. like the harder I try to hold onto them, the faster they get away. you see, my childhood was not the best, and me and my mom did not really get along until about a month before she died.. so the memories I have of her are few and far between so I have to hold onto tightly to what I've got.

I never sleep anymore because of the nightmares... of her screaming and crying and begging for my help. she fell in the bathroom and aparently hit her head.. so I guess the nightmares make sense... but I can't get rid of them..

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make alot of sense... it's late and I am very scatter brained.

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FeistyMidget Offline
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Re: mom... - October 12th 2009, 04:09 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Shellie. -hugs- Death is always a hard thing to go through. The feelings you have are normal. It's okay to be numb to everything. It's okay to not feel anything. It's okay to cry. It's okay.

It's really great that you're not trying to forget your mom and letting go of your memories of her; that's never what you should do. Keep holding on to your memories. It may hurt to remember them now, which is maybe why you are having trouble remembering them. But soon it will get easier. If you're afraid of forgetting them completely, write them down.

I think you may be having a hard time getting over your mom because maybe you never properly said goodbye to her. Maybe you should write a letter to her and tell her goodbye, and how much you miss and love her, and then leave it for her at her grave or just keep it. It may help you move on.

However, I think it might help if you talked to someone- your dad and your brother, a therapist... someone who can help you sort out your emotions and understand them better, or maybe just letting them out would help. You could write about what your feeling in a journal, or just let it out and cry.

-hugs- I really hope everything works out for you. Please PM me if you want to talk.
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