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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Gothicgaelicgirl
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Unhappy Guilt... - January 13th 2010, 12:21 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi,
em, ok I had this best friend since I was 6, he was a lot older, he was 5 years older than m but we hit it off straight away.
He became like my big brother.
When I was 15 and he had just turned 20, we dated for a while. Nothing happened, just kissing and cuddles.
But anyway, we broke up, I did it cos I felt it was unfair on him, we couldn't go t clubs or even our for a drink or hang out cos he kept getting abuse shouted at him cos of how young I was(the fact I looked about 12 didn't help)
He went to visit his mam in America where she lives, when h was 22.
He got engaged to this girl over there, and married her and moved over to live with her.
But after a year it went downhill, as he suffered on and off from serious depression. His wife made it worse, she kept putting him down. I was online to him on msn one day on microphone and I could hear the horrible stuff she was saying to him, she kept saying she didn't care if anything happened to him, and she kept bringing up our friend who died when he was twelve, it destroyed my friend.

But nearly a year ago, I got a call off him saying he was getting divorced and would be home soon and he asked could I call him back in two days as he was up in the mountains in Montana and although his phone didn't work, he could still receive calls.

I never called him, something came up in college.

Three days after that I got a call from his big brother telling me my best friend, and the first guy I ever loved, had taken his wife's hunting rifle and blown his face off.
I can't stop thinking I could have done something, cos I KNEW he was depressed and selfharming again and I didn't say anything.
It's killing me and his birthday and anniversary are coming up.

I've been to counsellors, I've gotten a momorial tattoo for him but I still feel my heart breaking every morning when I wake up and remember he's not here...
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Re: Guilt... - January 13th 2010, 05:18 PM

Well only time will heal these things. There is no magical solution that anyone can give you. But I mean, the tattoo is a good way to remember the good times. Try to remember the positives, rather than reflecting on his bad times. I'm sorry for your loss.
   
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Re: Guilt... - January 13th 2010, 09:24 PM

Ah I can't even how imagine how horrible that must feel
I guess the only thing I can say is try not to beat yourself up over it... there was no way you could have known he would actually end his life when you didn't call... maybe the call wouldn't have even made the difference, who knows? I know this probably doesn't help much and I'm sorry, I wish there was something more I could do It's beautiful that you got a tattoo for him and although you will probably always feel the pain of this, try your hardest to remember the good times and reach out to people, like his family, especially with his birthday coming up. It's great that you are seeking help and really try to remember that it's not your fault.
I hope you feel 100X better and pm me if you want to


Forever in debt to your priceless advice
   
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Re: Guilt... - January 14th 2010, 08:44 PM

thanks so much you guys, it means so much to me. The tattoo definitely helped to an extent, and his brother even came with me when I got it which helped even more.

thanks so much again. xx
   
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