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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 1st 2010, 05:00 AM

Okay.. I couldn't think of a better place to put this, but move it if you'd like.. It's also a little long but I've shortened the story as much as I really can.


I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a month now and we are VERY close, just.. fyi.

My boyfriends [David] absolute BEST friend in the world, is George. They have been friends since middle school and George is more of a brother to David than Davids own brother.
Last night we all got really drunk, and David found out that George is dying.. he has three months to live. I can't remember exactly what it is, but it's something about his nerves are all like.. basically destorying themselves? Something like that? Anyhow.. in the next month, maybe two, he's going to lose all feeling from his neck down, and he's not expected to live past the third month..
Needless to say David is incredibly torn up over this.. I spent three hours last night with David holding him and wiping the tears from his face and giving him tissue when he needed it and trying [and failing..] to do anything to make him feel okay.
He told me about this like.. super-best-friends-pact thing they have together. They have promised to eachother for the longest time that whenever one of them is getting close to dying [and they anticipated they'd be in a nursing home somewhere unable to wipe their own asses] they're going to go on a rampage of which details I'm not inclined to include here, but it's basically a suicide mission. He said "If George asks me to, I'm doing it" When he told me this I couldn't think of anything to say so I just said "David, don't go to jail.." to which he replied "I won't go to jail, if I do this I'm not coming out alive."
There is so much meaning behind this suicide mission, and it's so hard to argue with that in any way.. I know if it was MY absolute best friend I'd do ANYTHING for her as well..
To top off the night, he's drunk as shit and we're driving to my house [Yes, he was driving. Yes I know drunk driving is very bad, it's not typical for us, can you spare me the lecture please?.. That's entirely not the point here..] and about a mile and a half from my house, going almost 50 in a 35 area, we see red and blue flashing lights behind us... It just can't get any better can it? So we pull over and David rolls down his window. And the cop comes and shines his flashlight in the car in that annoying way that cops do and he's like "Hm.. what's that I smell?" And David's like "I don't know" and the cops like "I dunno, what could I be smelling." So David says "I dunno, it must be cigarettes, I'm not smoking the pot tonight" and the cops like "Whens the last time you smoked" and David was like "Maybe.. 4-5 days ago?" So then the cop asks for Davids license and registration and David gives it to him, and the cop goes back to the car. As we're sitting there waiting Davids like "I'm leaving here in handcuffs tonight and spending the night in jail, and paying $2000 for a DUI.." And the cop comes back and is like "do you know why I pulled you over" And davids like "I was probably going a little fast" And the cops like "How fast would you say?" And davids like "Probly about 45" And the cops like "A little more" Then basically "Here's your speeding ticket have a good night" And he left and let us go.
We were so relieved after that we couldn't help but laugh a little and be like "WTF WE ARE SO F***ING LUCKY"
That's the short version.. I don't know what to do with any of this. I know george and I'd barely call him a friend, he's the first person I've ever know who has been terminally ill, or died, or anything.. I can't relate to what David's going through at all, I'm trying to be strong so that he has someone to keep him up through this but at the same time, now I'm scared to death he's gonna go get himself killed [And believe me, he's crazy enough to do it.] and he's the only person in my life at the moment that I really care about..
Should I talk to him? How do I approach the subject? Should I maybe tell his sister about this and hope she'll be able to help me, or help him, or.. help at all? Or it might just make him more upset at everyone and everything.
I just want everything to be okay..
   
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Re: I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 6th 2010, 04:29 PM

Talk first to David and try and convince him that this is not the way to go. A pact should not make you kill yourself. Talk to him and if he refuses to listen then talk to his friend. Because friends don't let their friends hurt themselves. Approach the matter or else you will lose the one who you say you are close to.
   
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Re: I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 7th 2010, 11:58 PM

I agree with the post above me. Talk to him about it, explain that you need him, and that a pact like this is not one to keep. And that it was made not realizing what was going to happen. If it gets to the point where he is absolutely going to do it, call the police. Even if that seems like a bad idea to you, it may be the only way to save his life if he decides to do this. And as far as the grieving, continue to be there for him and talk to him as much as he needs to. Knowing that he has you may be what gets him through this.
   
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Re: I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 10th 2010, 04:40 PM

Thanks guys for replying..
I went to his sister and after a while of discussing the best and worst options, we decided to get ahold of their other/next best friend and see what he had to say.. He said that he really doubts George will ask David to do anything even like that, but to keep an eye out for it. I guess thats.. good, and not so good. =\

I have talked to David about it and he sticks with "If George asks me, I'm going to." so.. no progress there.
Also, I mentioned this to his sister as well, if I talk to George, he will tell David, it's to be expected. I wouldn't want David to think I was like.. interfereing with his last bit of friendship he has with George. That absolutely WILL NOT go over well, at all.

I have been constantly reminding David how much I love him and need him in my life, and I know his sister has been trying as well. She goes and visits him at work sometimes just to kinda show up to make the impression "Hey, you know I still care, right?"
I think he may be reconsidering.. also he hasn't got it in him yet to even call George =\ I dunno if that's good or bad but.. yeah.

Hah, sorry that's kind of an update and response all in one but theres so many complications. x.x
   
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Re: I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 10th 2010, 09:41 PM

I can't imagine what he's going through either, I know he's probably very upset and devastated over this.
All you can do is tell him how much you care about him as a friend and just try and support him all you can, be a shoulder for him to cry on, listen to him and try and comfort him as often as you can and if you're there for him, when he realizes someone cares about him, he may not consider suicide and you may be able to help him through this. He just needs to try and be strong, and he'll have you there, you sound like an amazing friend and it's good he has you there for him.
   
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Re: I don't have the slightest idea how to respond or what to do with this... - February 20th 2010, 08:43 PM

Hello there again. Well i just to add something, if that guy is a true friend he will want your boyfriend to live and be happy. If it goes so far as to the point things get serious, you will have to interfere, or else you might lose your boyfriend over a pact which will not help.

That pact doesn't show friendship, I can see why your boyfriend would think that but it is not the way. It really isn't.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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