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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Unhappy It's Been a Year. - January 31st 2009, 02:00 AM

Well, the title says a hint of it. My dog, Lilly, passed away a year ago and I still haven't really been able to get myself to move on.
Several people I've asked have either laughed at the fact that she's a dog or they just say the same "get a new dog" thing over & over; But surely it's not that simple.
To me she wasn't just a dog. She was my best friend and over the four years she was in my life I learned so much from her and she even saved my life several times. There were plenty of moments where I felt that suicide was the best way to get away from all of m problems, but Lil taught me that there is so much to look foward to in my life, even if it means hitting a few rough spots along the way. Me and her had some sort of way that we communicated that not even my own family understood. I would talk to her as if she were human cause I knew she understood every word I said and she would have her own ways of responding, letting me know what she wanted to say. That day she was taken from me? I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life, not ever. It was February 2nd. It was pouring rain outside and she had gone missing along with our other dog, and those two never traveled without each other. So I knew something was wrong when he showed up by himself without Lilly there with him. I searched for three days, putting up posters and purchasing an ad in the paper; But what seemed to hurt most was the fact that my parents would say the same line everytime I would tear up. "She's probably warm and comfortable in someone's home, waiting for you to find her." The day before we found her I remember sitting on the steps in my front yard, crying as I stared into the nightsky. It was that feeling, you know? Almost as if something was telling me "Face it, she's not coming back.."
It was 8:45 p.m. the following night; I was in the basement talking to a friend of mine, she wanted me to go out the next day to help get my mind off of Lilly. The phone rang. Looking at the I.D. I didn't really pay attention to what it said, except it said "Perry" as the last name. My mom picked it up from the kitchen phone and so I went on with my own buisness. Ten or fifteen minutes passed and I heard a group of footsteps coming down the stairs. My mom came out first with my brother and sister behind her, all of them with tears in their eyes. My siblings sat down in the chairs by me and my mom put her hand on my shoulder. I looked around trying to figure out what was going on, but my brother would lock eyes with me and my sister was staring at her feet. When I turned to look at my mom her lower lip was trembling and her eyes were as red as they could be. It took a little bit, about a minute maybe less, for it to finally hit me. I jerked my shoulder away from my mom and I quickly shoved my chair away, swinging my arms around myself as I pushed away from my sister's now out-reached arms. I remember how I started to scream at my mom, "No, You're lying! You all are!"
Lilly had died in the backyard of the neighbors who lived behind us. They told me she had laid down with her eyes facing our house.
The pain I felt.. I can't even put it into words. Which is normal, right? You lose someone who has been the center of your universe and you don't understand what to do next? It's such an empty feeling, something that I always thought would never happen to me. I didn't talk for a full month; Suprised that I was even able to eat or do anything other than stare at the the lavender bandana that had been cut off her neck before my parents took her in to be cremated.
Her ashes sit on my nightstand; So I see her every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep. There's nights where I will just lay crying in my bed as I stare at that white can that has black and gray pawprints all over it. There's even times where I'll blame myself, still do anyways. Just the fact that the last thing she saw before closing her eyes what our house. After all the times she had been by me when I needed her, I let her down. I wasn't there for her. Was she looking for me to come be by her side? I don't know.

This year was so long. How I'm still here is something I ask myself everyday.
I yelled at my parents when they hung up her stocking during christmas, it made me so angry that they had the nerve to do such a thing. When they told me that I was overeacting it made things worse. I refused to talk to my dad for days after that, because it was his idea to hang it up even after my mom told him not to. Gee, wonder why, hm? But the thing is, I can't stay like this forever. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do; It wouldn't be right for me to just forget about her and expect the pain to go away. What am I supposed to do when my parents tell me that I need to move on and continue without her? It just doesn't feel right..

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Re: It's Been a Year. - January 31st 2009, 02:48 AM

I'm so sorry. Stay strong, and remember that she loves you.

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Re: It's Been a Year. - January 31st 2009, 07:29 PM

Some people laugh but it’s only because they don’t understand. They don’t feel the pain you’re feeling. Others have different views when it comes to animals.
You’re right. It wouldn’t be right for you to forget about her. Not only that but you won’t be able to, especially if you loved her that much. But that doesn’t mean that the pain will stay with you forever. You can live with the memories of her and yet not feel that much pain. Of course, it will take time for the pain to subside until you feel like you can live with the memories and yet not feel that much pain anymore. So if the pain does subside later on in your life don’t think that it will make you a bad person. It just means that you will be stronger than you are now.
If you notice, humans and animals aren’t that much apart. Animals can feel happy and they can also feel down at times. The way animals show that they care for their young or even their owners. In a way animals do show us that they care for us. So what I’m getting at is don’t feel sad. I think animals are the best at knowing how someone feels whether it be angry, happy, or sad. If you believe in an afterlife or don’t just try to be happy because that’s what she would want.
Remember the times she made you smile and be happy that you went through those times with her. It’s ok to feel sad every now and then but don’t let it be so much that it becomes your whole life. It wasn’t your fault. We all look for someone to blame when it comes to this but in reality things just happen. Noting can be done about it now so try to learn from it. Live the life that you are living and love the people in your life. Love your parents, love your friends, love your siblings, love your enemy, and just love anyone in your life. This experience is a part of life and it goes to show you that anything can happen at any moment. So live the life you’re living now and love the people in it. Enjoy life.
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