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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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When will all this pain just stop? - February 2nd 2010, 05:32 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

What should I do? I cannot get through a night without crying. When I wake up every morning I want to cry. It took so much to tell myself to go to school. Every day is hard like hell and I'm so messed up. I just wanna die, seems like I will never be able to get over her death.

when I go to school, everybody around me seem so happy. They laugh and smile and I am so jealous of them. Why do I have to face all these fucking things at this age where a lot of people are still in school and can live their lives happily. When I come back to school, only a few teachers know about my mother's death and they say 'I am so sorry to hear...'
Other do not know and I feel like I have to pretend to be normal while inside I just want to scream and lose control.

I just feel so alone, nobody understands how I feel and how much I have to cope right now.
A teacher is thinking that I am being lazy, the fact is I wanna shut myself and get away from everything. I know it is not anyone's fault that they do not understand but I just do not want them to make me feel worse.

every night when I go to bed I wish tomorrow would never come. It would be so great if I could just die and stop this pain.

sorry for ranting so much but please help me I don't know what to do anymore.


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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 2nd 2010, 05:58 PM

One thing, you dying isn't going to help, it will make things worse.

It will take time, because she was your mother, maybe try and find someone you can talk to in school? A freind, a teacher? Maybe try and write your feelings down?

Have you got anything that reminds you of your mother? Like a picture or a scarf or somthing?
If you have that with you all the time, maybe it will feel like she's still with you.

Your mother wouldn't want you to be debating over killing yourself, she doesn't want you to be moping around, yeah I realise you can't be happy just yet, but she would want you to smile at least, remeber the good times that you had with her.

If you need someone to talk to, Pm me, and I'll talk, listen anything.

I know how hard it is..
x





   
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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 2nd 2010, 08:44 PM

The worst part is I cannot make myself believe that she is here with me. So my feeling is she is gone forever and dead people are not watching over us like they said in the kid story. I have no one I can talk to and I'm also alone. I'm not living with my family and it makes things worse. Anyway, though at home, I am not close to my family and feel like I cannot talk to them.

I have a close friend but we are out of school so we are not together anymore. I'm living abroad so when I wake up she would have finished her study for the day. When I come back to my house here she would be sleeping. Life has become so alone.

I have talked to her but she might not know what to do as well, all she can say is 'you may get used to it one day' or that kind of thing which does not help at all to be honest. but I understand that she does not understand the feeling when it doesn't happen to her and I know it is not her fault.

I am shy and at school I don't know many people, some friends here I am not that close to them. I have tried to talk to them a few times as well and they try to avoid it so I'd better stop because it makes the situation awkward for them and it also upsets me.

I have tried writing, and I have her photo put in the locket and I carry it with me every where. Still it doesn't help.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am so fucked up, life is so worthless I don't know what I am living for. I'm just the walking body with no soul in it. I'm already dead anyway

Killing myself would cause pain to my family but for me everything will end and this pain will end - to be selfish I mean.


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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 04:35 AM

hun take a deep breath.
i know what it feels like to loose someone close to you. i know all those emotions. i was really really close to my grandpa. and when he died i lost it. i mean. when i heard i was so emotionally hurt i couldnt even cry. ive felt everything you are going through. it will take a while to recover over this. trust me. and killing yourself will solve nothing. staying alive is the best thing to do. and hun just PM me and ill do my best to help you.
   
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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 03:19 PM

How long is a while? cuz noe i feel like a while is forever


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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 05:30 PM

There is no magic number. It is really how long it takes you to get through the 5 stages of grief. after you get though that you will be a lot better. It just takes time.
   
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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 06:32 PM

it might be easier for people who know what to live for but if the meaning of my life is gone then I am dead.
I have NEVER wanted to live for myself anyway. I really lived for her, now I don't know what is the point of being here. Only my dad and brothers whom I am not even close and barely talk to each other, this is the reason I don't kill myself yet - but are they good reasons? cuz I feel it's not worth it.

everybody would say that killing myself is not the solution but how can I keep living with this pain every day. I have to go to bed every night with the wish I would never wake up and when I wake up it hurts to know that I'm still breathing.

It has been years I have felt like this and things never get better.


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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 07:09 PM

i'm sorry I rant so much..


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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 3rd 2010, 10:16 PM

hun i know what you are feeling. I know its hard to stay around when you got nothing to live for. im at that same point in my life too. try staying around for the hopes that life will get better. thats what i do.
   
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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 4th 2010, 11:43 PM

Hey,
It's okay to rant, ranting is good... it helps you to get some of those feelings out and by letting things out it does make you feel that little bit better.

Everyone copes with the loss of a loved one in a completely different way to other people. I can't even imagine how hard this must have been for you.
I know it's hard but you have to try and concerntrate on some of the things that are going on in your life and trying to do something to motivate yourself that little bit. I'm not saying you should be doing everything just try and concentrate on some school work, I'm sure it will help ease things, even if it just a little- it's better than nothing.

People usually don't know what to say when someone has experienced a loved one passing away. You just don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm sure teachers are saying they're sorry to hear about your loss because they are genuinely sorry to hear about it and they know you must be going through a really bad time right now.

I'm not going to tell you it gets easier immediately or even a little while later because everyone deals with things in completely different ways. Grief can effect everyone in a completely different way. Some people it takes longer for things to sink in for them and for some people it never does really sink in.
Over time things will get a little bit easier and obviously you're always going to miss your mum nothing is going to change that fact but it will get easier to deal with. I'm sure the last thing your mum would want is for you to be putting your life on hold. I know it must be hard to do things right now but just try and take things a step at a time. Think baby steps, do things slowly.
I find going for walks helps me to think about things and clear my head maybe something like that could help you feel better if you feel like you need a break from being at home.

I'm always here if you need to talk.
Love Paige xox
   
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Re: When will all this pain just stop? - February 6th 2010, 04:37 PM

Listen / read. You need to talk to your family.

The reason you are finding this so difficult and completely unbearable is because you are trying to go at it alone. Such things are too sorrowful to go through alone. You might not be strong enough. And you will certainly reach a breaking point at sometime even before you reach that period of rest from this sorrow.

The reason i say you should talk to your family is because they too are going through what you are feeling. They too have lost someone they care about. So going through this all together will give all of you strength to get through to the next day.

So talk to your family even though you aren't close. Now is the time you will become close. But in order to get through this pain safely you need your family. Talk to them.
   
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