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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
its_not_goodbye Offline
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Name: Jaimee
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Unhappy I just want to give up all of it.. - February 6th 2010, 10:20 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I cannot even begin to explain all of this, I am just so close to breaking. My best friend was diagnosed with Leukemia back in the summer and he was doing really well, he went in for the transplant and everything. But after the transplant he ended up getting pneumonia and the doctors didn't do anything about it. I lost my best friend Thursday. He was more than my best friend, I loved him. I still do and I always will. He was the best thing that has ever happened to me, I just cant let this go and I don't want to let this go. I cant stop crying, I cant stop thinking about it, I just cant stop anything.

In the past, I have suffered from depression along with cutting. I threw everything away and have been clean from that for about two months now, but now its just all going down hill. I want to start everything up again and I just dont care. I even googled ways to commit suicide and where the main arteries in your body are, I just cant believe its getting to be this bad. I really need help, I just don't know what to do. I cannot go the rest of my life, knowing hes not there anymore, I cant not talk to him, I need him in my life.

I have never been this bad before, I just don't understand any of this. He just turned 18, he didnt deserve this, not at all. No one deserves this.

Last edited by its_not_goodbye; February 6th 2010 at 10:42 PM.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Megan1 Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - February 7th 2010, 11:48 PM

I'm really really sorry about your friend. Loosing someone who you love so much makes everything seem like it will never get better. And even though you will always miss and love him until you are with him again, I promise over time it will get easier to deal with. Even to the point where you can be happy again. Even if it doesn't feel that way now.

You should definitely join a support group or somewhere where you can go to let your feelings out on a regular basis. Grieving is hard, and much easier to do when you are with a group of people who understand, and who you can talk to about him and about your feelings (Also, feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. I know everyone says that, but really, I'm here if you need to talk to someone). I know this sounds silly or just like a little thing that won't make much of a difference, but when I lost someone close to me, it helped to talk about them. Not about loosing them, but....almost bragging about how wonderful they were and what you miss about them (I'm also here if you ever need to do that, I really don't mind). It's also helped me to wear a locket with the person who you lost's picture in it. Or in your case, it could even be a wrist band for leukemia awareness, or a cross or something if you are religious- Just something physical to always have of them wherever you go. It actually does help. It's obviously very early on right now, seeing as you only lost him a few days ago, but once it gets a little more bearable- if you still feel this bad and like you don't want to do anything and just want to stay home and think about it, try to live life in his memory. Go out and have fun (like I said, you don't have to do this yet, it's still really early), even if you have to force it and say that you are doing it for him.

And please talk to someone (whether it be a friend, relative, someone on here, anyone) as soon as you even think about hurting yourself. Someone who can help you to sort out your feelings.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
*Jen* Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - February 8th 2010, 03:25 PM

Hey Jaimee,

Firstly, welcome to Teenhelp I hope you like it here and are able to get the help and support you need. I am here anytime if you need someone to talk to.

I am so sorry to hear about your best friend. I think it is so sad when something like this happens. He was only 18 and that is so young. I have a good friend who has cancer and she has been really ill the last few months. She is only 21 and it is so sad. You know it is ok to cry. At least you are letting it all out rather than holding it in, which will only make you feel worse. It might help to write a letter to your best friend just explaining how you feel. Right now you must have all sorts of things going around your head so you need to let out how you feel and not hold it all in.

I think your best friend would have wanted for you to be happy. He wouldn't want you to turn back to self harm because of him. You don't deserve to be hurt by yourself; you deserve loads better than that. Stay strong, it will get easier.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Jacksonian Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - February 20th 2010, 08:47 PM

Hello there and welcome to TeenHelp.

Yes you are correct, he didn't deserve that. And we may question why but our answers will not be answered now. But hold on, he would have wanted you to live and enjoy your life. But you have to give yourself time. Rest but don't harm yourself, don't.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Sydney... Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - February 28th 2010, 07:35 PM

Hi Jaimee,
I feel you pain. On Feruary 3, 2010 I lost someone to breast cancer. She was like a mother to me and now she is gone. There really is no wprds to describe the feeling. Only those who have felt the pain know what it's like. Something that is really helpful to me is talking about the person with others. The memories you had with him will never leave your heart. Whenever you need them, they will be there. Please don't start cutting yourself again. I have cut myself before as well and I learned that it is not the answer. Many people love and care about you and wouldn't want to see you hurt. People always tell me that only time heals, but no matter how much time passes you will always miss that person. It just won't hurt as bad. Please feel free to private message me. I would love to talk about this person with you. I'm sure together we can build each other up.

With much love,
Sydney (horsesftw)
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
crmzchan Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - March 3rd 2010, 07:02 PM

I recently lost a friend, and know how the grief can tie you in knots, make you feel guilty, and like your life's not worth it. Just think this way - all these feelings you're feeling now, would you inflict that on your parents and friends? Because if you did go through with suicide that's what it would be like for them. It is a very sad thing to loose a friend, unimaginable, but you have to be strong - live in their memory. If you ever want a helping hand, I know what it's like. PM me anytime, I'm always here for those who need it.

The grief will go away, I promise. Just one day you'll stop being sad and remember the good. Try it. It works. Honest.

Holly Grogan, my friend, died 16.09.2009.
Goodbye, Holly.
May your smile light up the face of heaven.

  (#7 (permalink)) Old
MegaMadness Offline
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Re: I just want to give up all of it.. - March 6th 2010, 01:54 AM

I'm really sorry about your friend Jamiee. He sounds like a great person and really brave. As are you, my dear. I know it must be hard for you right now, but your reaching out for help, which is the first step to healing. Like I said, I know it must be hard but keep your head up high. He would of wanted you to be happy and to keep going. Do it for him but also yourself. You deserve better.

It's alright to be sad. That's normal after something like this. But remember, it will pass. You will be okay. It takes time to recover from things like this and you will. Think of all the happy times you shared with him and maybe start a journal where you can right about those times and reflect on his life. Be thankful that you got to share some time with him and know that he's free from pain and sickness now.

If you ever need anything, message me anytime and I'll be happy to help. Take care of yourself.

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