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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Tiny_93 Offline
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:'( :'( :'( - April 25th 2010, 09:03 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Why do people commit suicide? Why do bad things happen to good people? I'ts not fair... Nothing ever is in this crappy life!

I won't go into detail because it's too graphic, but my friend killed herself last night... She was 19 and her 11 year old sister found her this morning. I've only just been told. Why why why? I'm mad at her, she was so much stronger than this.......

How can things change so suddenly? From a person being here one minute, then not the next?! It doesn't make sense. I don't bleeping believe it!!

This pain inside that I'm feeling now, it's never ending.. Why???????????????

I miss you already Louise


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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 26th 2010, 12:03 AM

Hey Laura.

I know firsthand how hard suicide is to deal with. I lost my friend after he took his own life by jumping off a bridge into a harbour. I, too, was angry. I was angry because he left we with all these unanswered questions. I was also angry because I felt like there was nothing that he couldn't deal with. To be honest, what may seem like nothing but minor problems on the outside looking in, there are also bigger issues going on within a person contemplating suicide. I found out too late that I didn't know half of what was going on in Adam's life. I know I wish I had had a better understanding of his though processes, but unfortunately, time can't be turned back. No one is at fault.

It is okay to be angry. It is okay to cry. It is okay to ask questions. In time, you may be able to answer some of these. But of course, you may never be satisfied with 'Why' they did what they did. Take time to heal and take time to make sure you keep yourself healthy. Make sure you honor Louise, remember the good times with her.

I wish I could say that I knew the answers to your questions, but I really don't. All I can give you is a little insight, because I've experienced the same thing.

I felt the exact same way, I promise you that. I got involved in suicide prevention and honor Adam every way that I can.


It's better to cross the line &
suffer the consequences
than to just stare at the line
for the rest of your life.

   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 26th 2010, 07:36 PM

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I understand right now you feel upset and angry and hurt, and I know sometimes things in life are not fair. That's why we have to be strong.
I am sure your friend would want you to go on and not grieve over her, just remember the good times you had together and the pain will go away eventually. I think some people commit suicide because they feel hopeless, they feel nothing will ever get better or they're too ashamed to ask for help when they need it because they feel nobody can help them, which isn't true. There's always help and there is always someone who cares about you.
   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 26th 2010, 08:08 PM

Laura,

I am so sorry for your loss. ):

Suicide confuses me at times as well, and this is coming from a person who has considered it. Some days I feel that I have a perfect understanding of why someone would want to kill themselves, and other days I'm simply befuddled as to what could honestly be so bad that someone would feel the need to take their own life.

There's a point that you reach, though, when you're depressed. It's the point where all rationality goes out the window, and you can't look at your life as something that will get better; you can only look at it as what it is. And to people who are depressed, life is often every dreadful thing that you can imagine. It's endless sadness, endless wishing for things in life to become better, endless disappointment in yourself for not being able to simply snap out of it and be happy.

The definition of depression is different for every person who suffers through it. No one can tell you exactly what thoughts were going through your friend's mind before she killed herself, but they can tell you that these thoughts weren't rational, that these thoughts are not ones that people with stable mental health would be thinking.

Your friend isn't the one who killed herself, Laura. Depression killed her. It's difficult for me, as someone who struggles with depression, to often see the difference. I see myself as depression, I see my actions as I depression, sometimes I even blame myself for being depressed. But I've discovered over time that depression and I, we are two different people. When I feel the need to end my life, when I feel hopeless and angry, when I feel I simply can't get out of bed in the morning, that's depression. When I feel hope, the kind that tells me I can move on and be strong, that I can get through this, that's all me. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the moment your friend killed herself, she wasn't herself. She may not have been looking at it in this perspective, she may have seen herself as a hopeless, depressed person, but that doesn't change the fact that without depression in her life, your friend would still be here.

It's okay to be angry and hurt, and these feelings might not even go away any time soon. But try to remember that the friend you love, the one who laughed and who you enjoyed being with, the one that you miss, isn't the one that killed herself last night.

I hope this makes sense, and that it helps you to forgive your friend for what has happened. No one is to blame here but depression. I am always here to talk if you need a friend. Hang in there.





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 27th 2010, 09:35 AM

Laura, I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. How awful.

While I know it's incredibly difficult, try not to be angry with your friend. She was depressed. That's a place in life I think we've both been in. She was clearly in extraordinary pain at the time this committed suicide, otherwise she wouldn't have done it. It was the only way she felt she could cope at the time. No, it wasn't rational, but try to think back to when you were depressed. How you thought that death would solve all your problems. I know this is something I believed. I wasn't thinking of the long-term effects when I planned to do away with myself; all I wanted was for the pain I was experiencing to stop.

In the end, her strength had nothing to do with anything. Her disorder took over. She wasn't herself. She wasn't able to rationalize that the pain life throws at you eventually effaces. She could only see her life for what it was at that moment, and with little hope for getting better. You know how infinite depression can seem, even if it truly is not.

I know this probably hurts more than anything, but try your best to remember what a remarkable person your friend was. Remember the strength you said she had -- the fact that she was depressed does not automatically take that away. Most of all, remember all the good times you shared. It is okay to be hurt. It is okay to grieve. But try not to be angry at her for what she did. It was the only thing she believed could help her in that moment.

Take care.
   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 27th 2010, 10:39 AM

Thanks everyone, I've kinda got passed that angry stage now.. I honestly don't know what to feel.

I understand her depression and the feeling of suicide, having been there myself, but she chose to really act on those feelings..... I guess this is the stage of grieving you go through right?


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Re: :'( :'( :'( - April 27th 2010, 11:44 PM

Yes, I think it's quite normal to be generally shocked about your friend's actions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiny_93 View Post
...but she chose to really act on those feelings....
I think when we are the ones contemplating suicide, we aren't really considering the consequences of it. In our heads, it's a quick fix -- a way to make the pain stop. We aren't meticulously analyzing the aftermath of it all. Therefore, when someone close to us commits suicide, we are genuinely shocked by how many people it affects... and how final it is.

It is completely understandable that you would feel this way.

Last edited by DeletedAccount31; April 27th 2010 at 11:51 PM.
   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - May 1st 2010, 01:26 PM

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss Laura. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for you right now. Suicide does destroy people apart but when you are in that mind set you don't really realise how much killing yourself will hurt other people. I think right now you need to try to allow yourself to grieve and get out how you feeling. I am sending you a big . Stay strong.
   
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Re: :'( :'( :'( - May 2nd 2010, 01:58 AM

Wow, I bet this was such a shock to you.

It's prefectly natural to feel angry about this, I know I would be if I was in your situation and I would probably blame myself for not knowing that it would happen/ preventing it.
But you couldn't have predicted such a thing, so never become angry at yourself about this.

I know how you feel about losing someone you love & although the people I loved didn't die in the same way, everybody grieves, it is perfectly natural.

I don't know if you have lost other people before your friend, but I can assure you, although it might not feel like it right now so soon after you lost her and you may think I am just saying to make you feel better but, it does get easier with time. It takes some time, but it really does get easier.

Your friend would want you to be strong, although it may seem difficult to be at the moment, and to move on with your life. Think of all the good memories you did have together and hopefully one day, you will have together again.

Hope things get better for you soon.


x<3x

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