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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CookieCrumbs Offline
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Name: Anne
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Scared of September - June 2nd 2010, 12:03 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't how to deal with it.
When I try to block the pain out and keep living, I eventually feel so dead that I don't care about anyhing. School, food, sleep, friends, anything. And then I have to cut just to feel something. But my parents and friends get pissed when in act like that. They say I act dead. And a ton of other stuff that I just tone out, because listening to how wrong I am really doesn't help.
When I don't block the pain. When I let the reality of everything seep in on me, it hurts so much that I can't breathe and fall apart at every fucking thing. Then everyone says I'm emotionally unstable and who cares what else!!*
I really don't care all that much what they think of me. It doesn't really matter in the end. Nothing does anymore. But it is just so sickening. Either way I feel so over. I hate myself. I don't deserve living. Not like my friend did. But no matter what i do I can never, never fix that. Never save him.
It is just sickening that the only reason that I'm living is so I don't hurt my parents. They would think that it was their fault. Since I can't talk to them about this, they wouldn't understand. I don't want to hurt anybody like that. So I'm gonna keep pushing myself day by day. It is sickening that I'm just doing this for them and they want me to do it perfectly. I can't get rid of the hole inside of me. There is nobody on this planet that could fill that hole. Not anymore. I'm barely making it as it is. Can't everyone just accept that this is the best I can do? I can't DO happy! It hurts too much. Feels too wrong. I can't even really laugh anymore. But I sure as hell have to fake it. Every damned day.
I can push myself for my*parents. But Whenever I think of September-
I can't live through another september. Not remembering the last one. I don't want to commit suicide. It sounds horrible. it sounds horrible to imagine doing that, and the effect it would have on my family. But I can imagine dying. And suicide is the only word for it. For what I can't help but think of when I imagine September. When I think of it being a whole year. A year!!!!*
Shit. I remember three months. I remember that was the first time I cut. I remember thinking three months was so long. I remember thinking that one year would never would never come. Not with the nights being so long. How could so much time have passed when it feels like it hasn't been a day?!
How can I keep living like this?! I'm not strong enough. I want to be there for my parents. But I'm such a horrible person. I'm just not strong enough. Not brave enough to go through another year alone.*
I can't distract myself anymore. I spent months telling myself that it was almost over. That it would stop hurting soon. But now when I think of tomorow, I see every long, empty night until September. Then I see nothing


Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
   
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Re: Scared of September - June 4th 2010, 09:37 PM

Hi Anne, I'm sorry you have been so depressed for such a long time. Have you started seeing a counselor yet? It really does help to have someone you can talk to face to face without having to hold back. When you are depressed it affects everything in your life which is why you feel you don't care about anything. And it sounds like your parents really do care, even though they might not be too great at showing it. Sometimes people just don't know how to help someone the right way. Depression and cutting can be very overwhelming for your friends and family to understand.

It will get better. The days and nights may seem unbearably long but one day you're going to wake up and be so happy you're still alive. You're right, suicide would be devastating to those who love you. And it wouldn't be fair to them if you don't fight this depression with everything you can. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, believe me. I've been lost in the dark many times myself and like you I thought, "It's o.k., today is the last day."

Now I always think about how every day is the first day of the rest of my life. So many things have changed, as they always do throughout our lives. Sometimes we grow distant from friends that just don't understand. But eventually we gravitate towards new friendships that help us grow. I believe you will get through this. You don't always have to be strong, you just have to realize sometimes we can all use all the help we can find!

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Re: Scared of September - June 10th 2010, 05:55 PM

You are strong enough and brave enough, it just seems a little complicated because you're so confused. You really a great person, and you can't feel like it's your fault. Because it's not.
It's hard to talk to your parents about it, i understand but you have to carry on. When someone dies it seems like they take a piece of you with them. But you've got to rebuild it on your own. It's very complicated.

I think you're worth living. You're worth it and never forget that. People love you, and they always will. It might seems like you have nothing to live for but remember that you have your future. You might not have any hope left, but you've got to find something, even if it's waiting for the first snow to fall, or the flowers in the garden to bloom, so something small like that.

Don't shelter yourself away, because it will only make things worse.

I hope you make it through this. If you need someone to talk to, message me

-Caylee
   
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Re: Scared of September - June 14th 2010, 01:07 AM

I try talking to some of my friends. But it doesn't help because they are so critical! Everything I do is wrong to them. They don't even listen long enough to try to relate to me. All they say to me is 'everything happens for a reason, god knows best'. How could this possibly be for the best?!? And why would their god choose to save other people but not my friend? And how can they tell me to just buck up and have faith in god? It is so fucked up!
The only friends that I ever get the chance to talk to, are so damn busy trying to save my soul, that they don't care about anything else!!


Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
   
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