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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ThePunkAlien Offline
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My cousin died... I'm really confused!!! - January 5th 2009, 11:58 PM

We're only a couple of weeks apart in age. We're both twenty years old. I feel guilty to say this, but I feel great - yet I feel sad at the same time and I don't feel right about it.

It was horrible last night when I found out because I was being hit on all sides. I felt like I was invincible because I'm still young, what could kill me? What could happen? I'd live forever. For a long, long time. But, that's not true. My cousin died from natural causes with no previous signs. Life's fleeting. I was forced to face my own mortality.

This year I was slowly breaking out of being shy and I feel like I have come a long way. But, I felt like there were still chains hooked around me. Those chains broke off more and more. But, when my cousin died it was like a major wake up call that I know I must live like every day might be the last so that I'll have no regrets. I can't stay in my room alone and only going out from time to time - I just can't deal with that any more period. It was my final push to changing.

"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you."

- Hoobastank

"She brought you something special when she came here, didn't she? That's what you hold onto. That's how you keep her alive."

- Bridge to Terebithia
So although my cousin's dead, a part of me has never felt as alive and happy. Is that okay? Is that normal? I mean, I hate feeling this way. It's like she gave me a new lease on life and I really love her for that... she freed me... is it okay to feel more happy than sad?

Is this a natural reaction. I've dealt with losing loved ones before. I know that grieving normally lasts longer, but I only mourned for like a day and then moved on with a new resolve of being free. I'm even too guilty to admit this to my parents... can someone please just tell me I'm okay for feeling this way?

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; January 6th 2009 at 12:06 AM.
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Lee Offline
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January 6th 2009, 01:33 AM

I wouldn't feel bad about being more happy than side. It's not as though you are happy she is dead. You are happy because though she is dead, you have been given a new lease of life.
People celebrate grief in many different ways. Just recently I was reading a blog where instead of a funeral they had a memorial poker game. In their family there are no tears shed at funerals - only happy stories.

What you're feeling is perfectly okay.

- Lee
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Marionette. Offline
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January 6th 2009, 02:33 AM

Of course feeling like this is okay.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways.

To me, it seems like her death freed you. This is what she would have wanted for you. Alot of the times. a death can help people see things much clearer, it's an excellent thing that you were able to spot it so early.
Keep your head up high and stay positive.
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Chayla Offline
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January 6th 2009, 03:27 AM

The above posters are correct, what you are experiencing is okay. People grieve in their own ways, however they feel comfortable doing so. There is no right or wrong way to grieve No worries.

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January 6th 2009, 04:11 AM

its okay... and its a definite fact that everyone should live to the fullest....

i'm sure that your cousin is smiling up from high above, happy that you're appreciating and enjoying every day .. she's always there for you, and so are we all.

we're gonna support you all the way, and anytime you feel that you're down, you can be sure that we'll help out

Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

Official member of the completely Unofficial free hugs Club !

I'm firing mah Hugs!
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Claire Offline
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January 6th 2009, 04:58 AM

Death is very sad in the way that we lose someone and we never see them again, but its also a positive thing because it makes it take a closer look at ourselves and reassess our lives and what we hold as important. That is what it sounds like its done to you, and thats a good thing. Like you say, life is far too short to not live it to the fullest. Anything could happen and you should never take it for granted that you have the rest of your life to live out, because life is cruel and we could be taken at anytime. If you feel positive, go with it! Don't feel guilty. Your cousin would be glad of the new change in you, I'm sure. Good luck with everything, we are here if you need to talk or ever get down about things x
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ThePunkAlien Offline
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January 7th 2009, 12:40 AM

Thanks for the support. Just the whole thing is really confusing. It's like my emotions are bouncing all over the place, but mostly with the ideal of hope since I truly feel like the last thing she gave me was motivation to just live life to the fullest. She was the happiest and most caring person I ever knew, so it's really sad that she's gone... and I feel like I have to make her death really mean something more than just grieving. To start becoming more outgoing and living life to it's fullest.

Maybe, oddly, it's also kind of what I think her older brother might be going through - but in a different sense - feeling like one has to compensate for someone lost in the family by doing and being more. I think compensation might be part of the subconscious reason, I dunno.

Still wondering what's going to happen when I go to the funeral processions and everything - since we're the same age, will me being there be part of a reminder... because my uncles and aunts would take care of us at the same time and we were practically raised together. It almost feels like the guilt of losing a twin (due to the age thing) or sibling in that I wonder why I wasn't the one that was taken. Just fleetingly, but still--

It's like all angles due to:
> Being close in age (only weeks apart, sometimes being taken care of the same - especially when we were really young)
- Seeing mortality
- Feeling guilty that I was the one of the two of us that survived. I haven't done much, haven't contributed much and she's contributed a lot... that's part of my fear of going to the funerals that some might be able to see through that. Think that also might be because she always contributed to the family as a whole, I didn't - I was the black sheep, I was the bad son... so it's like why did she have to die? I was the one that deserved it. My whole family has a nick name for me, that's how much I hid out - "the ghost" - someone who's hardly seen, doesn't contribute or participate that much - someone who's good enough as dead...
> She was my cousin
> She had an older brother, I have a younger sister; so there's a fear that I might lose my sister in a similar way.

It's just, hitting me from all angles, more than just losing a cousin due to all of these other connectors we had in life. But, what I know I need to do is be a lot more outgoing and not hide away from life like I once did, but to make every moment count for me and others... maybe it's compensating subconsciously, but whatever underlaying thing's behind it - I finally feel free.

It's even hard listening to music now, because it seems like every song reminds me of it...

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; January 7th 2009 at 01:47 AM.
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eunoia Offline
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Re: My cousin died... I'm really confused!!! - January 7th 2009, 08:47 PM


First, I want to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss.

Everyone copes with death differently. There comes a point, though, for most of us, when we begin living on, in ways to make ourselves and lost loved ones proud. I think you've reached such a place in dealing with grief that many take years to come to. I think you've made peace with death in a very healthy way and I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling more alive, so to say. It's heartbreaking but we cannot bring people back to life, and so living on for them and for yourself is the best you can do. Know that the memories you have of your cousin, your times spent with her, are yours to keep, forever; cherish them.

It's okay to mourn, when the time comes. Like you already know, losing someone young forces us to face the fact that we are not invincible. Your cousin sounds like such a lovely person, and it's tragic that she is gone, I'm terribly sorry. Let me know if you need anything.

Someday I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us.
I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
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