Triggering (Grieving): Please Help

[Trix2507]

Hi...Its been three years since my Mum died and two since years since my Dad died. My Mum had a stroke and my Dad died six months later due to a heart attack. It didn't help that he had taken to alcohol. I have never been able to express my grief properly because for some weird reason, I thought I should be strong and not cry. I still don't know which stage of grief I am in. When my Mum died, I didn't cry one bit, not even when I saw her body. I felt an odd sense of relief. Before my Mum had the stroke I was arguing fiercely with her and said all sorts of things to her. It was a normal thing between us but I still feel guilty. When she died, I never cried in front of my Dad. I never thought that he would need help to cope. I guess he saw that since I was strong, he needed to be strong for me and I guess the only way he could be strong was to drink which was why he had the heart attack.
I was in year 12 when this happened and since I could not stay alone, I was sent to a relatives place. I was bounced from one relatives place to another. Each relative was as terrible as the other. My uncles didn't really care what had happened to me. All they knew was that I was a young girl who had a decent looking body. So yeah...you get he idea right?
After all that unpleasantness, I finished school and another one of my uncle's sponcered me and took me to Australia. Happy Ending? Ha I wish! I live with two cousins who make my life hell. One has a ego problem and the other is a schizophreniac, so I can't even complain. I can't wait to get enough of money and move out.
But in the mean time how do I handle life right now? I have thought many many times about killing myself but I don't have the guts. Any advice will help me...anything at all...thanks

[Amember]

Um, pretty touching story. You've actually reminded me of what I'm dreading with my parents, especially with my mum. But, this is your time to be given help not me. The only experience I really have with people passing away was my grandma and my friends mum, obviously those two figures are no where near as impacting as your mum and dad. I could possibly just imagine how you feel, though as bad as it may be it's unfortunately life. Which may not be the best way to go about it for advice but you have to know that suicide is not the answer.

Sure it may be tough, it is most likely unbearable but as long as you focus on a goal in the future, whether it be eduction or a career then you will get somewhere. No one said life would be easy, but helping is just something we all appreciate. Um, I may have not fulfilled great advice as I imagined though if you ever need someone to talk to, my ears are always wide open.

[Trix2507]

Suicide isn't the answer? deep down I know that's true. But sometimes you don't really care y'know? Then again as I've said I'm too scared to commit suicide. I've stood at a pier and convinced myself to jump coz I don't know how to swim. I look at the swirling waters, imagine myself drowning and then walk away. I look at a knife and convine myself to stab myself, that it wouldn't hurt if I did it right. Then I imagine my blood spurting out, my hand trembles and I put the thing down.
Yeah you're right about concentrating on a career or something which would distract me. Believe me I'm trying but its tough.
I'm sorry about your grandmum and your mum's friend. Not sure what you meant about dreading...
Anyway, thanks for the reply. it feels good to talk to someone

[Amember]

To be honest, I could never figure out why people attempt to physical harm themselves. I look upon it in a negative manner, but I will always try to talk to people; like yourself. I was referring to my parents, my mum was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago, and then 2 more times. Her recent one being breast cancer, there's just a numb part of me that wants to say so much to my parents to let them know how much I love them, but I just refuse to do it.. Then think about if they were gone, I'd regret it.


Glad to be helpful.

[Trix2507]

Oh wow, sorry. Yeah I know what you're feeling. Now that they're gone, I really wish I could tell my parents what I felt and that I was sorry for every time I made them mad. There's so much I want to tell them now...but all I do is speak to think air, hoping they would be listening to me. Seeing Ghost and reading Lovely Bones have kinda creeped me out and I'm thinking twi ce about speaking to thin air...
But yeah, I get what you mean by saying you refuse to tell your mum how you feel. If you do, then the verdict is final. Sorry, I'm not expressing myself very well but what I mean is its kinda denial right? I felt the same way when my Mum was in the hospital. So yeah...
Sorry for the incoherent messg but this is what I was feeling...
As for physical harm, if you mean cutting, that's not my thing at all. I don't like it either. I mean what's the point? I get the veiwpoint though. If you cause yourself pain, you feel like you're redeeming yourself in someway or the other.

[Amember]

I totally understood the message. Physical harm, suicide, overdose.. All the same thing to me, but I'm glad you don't have the guts to actually do any, as not having the guts is keeping you alive. You just need to like, let you more not wonder to a point where it depresses you, even if it's hard. I think the actual time I found something to cheer me up, was sexual songs.. And I mean, I know that's weird.. Not like those RnB songs what ever there is, infact the band is not really popular and I know more haters than I do fans. But their songs just lighten me up so much because I find them awesome.

But yus.

[Trix2507]

lol, thanks for the laugh. Nah, I get wot u mean by listening to songs. They totally change your mood. I'm happiest when I block out the world by listening to pop and rock songs while reading a book which transports me into a differnt world. I don't like Rnb songs either. Then again, most people I know think that pop is dying.
Another thing that is worrying me is that I block out too much. Like if anything hurts me or makes me feel bad, I just try and block it out. I think my memory is being affected that way. Seriously, I can't remember the simplest of things sometimes. Its like...I know this...its in my head..I alomost got it...nope sry, its gone. Its so frustrating sometimes. I think its coz I keep blocking stuff out. Someone told me its harmful to keep doing it and that one day I would explode...
Thanks for the reply...I hope I'm not bugging you...

[Amember]

Heh, Good to know I've made you laugh. To be honest, if you're blocking things out I don't really see a negative to it. You're being mature if anything hurts you by not retaliating, which is good in my opinion. I tend to do that, unless I find a reason to retaliate. As for affecting your memory, I am no scientist, I honestly have no idea if it does. I have occasions to block things out, and I have times where I think I remembered something then just forget it, I think that's just how people work. We can't remember everything, because if we did.. We'd all be geniuses if that was the case, pretty epic I say.

Exploding is clearly unreal, and I doubt you believed him. :P
Also, no problem at all. It's cool to be talking, and you're not bugging me one little bit; everyone says this to me when it's a long talk/helping them. I don't mind talking and helping at all, if I did I wouldn't be here.

[Trix2507]

I dunno y, but I'm smiling ryt now...(ignore the small tears that are stinging me as well I never figured out why small tears sting...)...I forgot how nice it feels when you smile. Thank you so much...Yeah you're ryt, I didn't really beleive the guy when he told me that I would explode but one does feel slightly concerned when the other is talking about your demise...
Yeah I've still got a lot to deal with but I think I can smile through the next few hours...Its just that my cousins get me down by saying very rude and hurtfull things.
But thanks. I hvn't smiled for five days. Thank you

[Amember]

Good, and you're welcome. =]

To be honest, I'll slap their heads together and shout "Shut the fuck up you bunch of loonies, I want to peace!". Lol.

[Trix2507]

I really wish I could do that. The problem? They're like 6 feet tall and I'm 5 feet nothing. Then again hey've got 'mental issues' which allows them to do what they want without being scolded or reproved or anything. They have a free reign to be as mean as they can without actually causing physical harm. But sometimes verbal harm is enough. Just now my uncle called me a spoilt brat who doesn't do a bit of work and that my parents hvn't brought me up properly. Smile wiped off my face. Feeling gloomy all over again...sigh...can I never be happy? Its just not fair!!!! Arrrgh!!!!!!

[Amember]

To be fair, despite anyones disorders I think they should deserve a slap to at least learn. And that's not fair what your uncle said, his parents clearly didn't bring him up properly either (no offence to your grand parents). You just disregard what they say, because it's clear they need to sort themselves out.

[Trix2507]

Yeah...true...thanks.. The thing is I do feel sorry for them as well coz they've been brought up very differently. My uncle has used a lot of violence on them when they were kids and according to my cousins, that is why they're messed up. But I think they're soft...meaning, they can't really take stuff. Even tho they pretend to be oh so tough and that they can beat up a hundred people - they can - they get offended very easily. They can't take jokes. You can't have a normal joking conversation with them!
Reading what I've written, I'm realising I'm making excuses for the brats. And yeah, my grandfather used a lot of violence on my uncle and dad when they were young. He died when I was a year old. So maybe they picked up his bad habit and passed it on to the younger generation. Not that my Dad was ever violent with me. Yeah I got a few smacks now and then but I deserved it that time. I think my uncle has gone overboard.
reading the ohter posts I realise that I'm whinging a lot. Sry abt that but that's how I feel. In normal societyy I put on this happy cheerful mask which makes everyone think that I'm very happy. Dunno y but I feel that no one whould know what I'm feeling. I feel good when I open up and write all of this coz I've been bottling up my feelings for three years.
Thanks for listening anyway.

[Amember]

Hey, I probably haven't said this yet but seriously do not apologise for anything. For a start this is a support forum, and secondly I am more than happy enough to listen to what you have to say, since as my friends say, I am a understanding, tolerant and a patient person. So just remember that, because I am never fussed.

I know some people can be but that's them, I'm different so I don't mind at all, besides I wouldn't say you're moaning, we're just talking and you're just telling me how things are for you so I can get a better understanding of why you feel like you do. I think it's always good to open up, though I have a habit to doing it to only people I feel as if I can trust. But yus, more than happy to listen.

[Trix2507]

Hmm, thanks. I thought I was on the verge of whinging so I knda apologised coz very few people listen to me. So wenever I feel down...I can tlk to you? That would really be great. But..can I send you messgs instead of posting in a forum? Coz I feel that you;re nice and I would like to be frends...k then, thanks again

[Amember]

When ever you feel down, I'd be more than happy to listen and help you. I don't mind at all, so yeah you can PM. And being friends would be cool.