Triggering: Flashbacks

[Live Aloha]

A little bit of a back story... One of my friends committed suicide this past April. We were from the same town, lived in almost the same neighborhood, and went to the same elementary, high school, and church. Our mothers were childhood friends and our grandparents were close friends as well. So this family basically considered us as part of their own. As does half the town. I'm from a small plantation town in Hawaii. Everyone knows and grew up with everyone around them, going back more than 1 generations in most cases. The community is very tight-knit.

It's a small island and there are only 3 public high schools. That being said, there's not much to do, so athletics are a huge focus. My friend was an avid baseball player all through our childhood and he played soccer as well. We got into high school and his interests shifted a little, but he was still into baseball just like before.

Now the part that keeps on replaying in my head...

It was April, nearing the end of track season. I was having a pretty good year, and had really enjoyed the Jr/Sr prom a few weeks before. We were at one of the last meets before district and it was closing in on 8, right around the time the 4 x 400 usually takes place. As the last leg of the 4 x 400 finished and the boys discus was on its last heat, we saw one of the captains sitting in the middle of lane 8 sobbing, with one of the parents crouched down next to him. At first, we thought it was something silly like he messed up and got DQ'd trying to pass the baton -- wasn't the first time it happened, so it seemed plausible. A group of us were making our way from the throwing rings to the other side of the stadium where our team had our tent set in the bleachers. We stopped just short of lane 8 when we heard what the captain was sobbing.

"He's gone, he's gone! Shige is gone!" At first I didn't believe it, or at first I was hoping there was another Shige, one who I didn't know. But I knew it was him. Once the initial shock of who set it, I was hoping he wasn't dead. Injured fine, but not dead. Something in my head was hoping that by some miracle the paramedics, or whoever found him, had managed to revive him, but the sinking feeling in my chest kept growing, so I knew that wasn't the case. It sunk even more when I learned that he had taken his own life. By now everyone was starting to gather around lane 8. And one by one we all fell to the track sobbing.

It was a few weeks later, but we went on to win that season, and our boys took 3rd place at state.

He was home alone for the week, it was the perfect chance to do it. But why did he have to do it? Graduation was a month away, he and his girlfriend seemed to be doing good, everything about his life seemed good. Later at a prayer service, his mom told everyone that he was suffering from OCD and depression. Apparently while the family was away he had stopped taking his medications. She said he never wanted to be on them, and they never let anyone know about his condition because he was too ashamed of it. That cleared up a lot of light on the topic. We will never know exactly why he did it, but now we have at least some knowledge.

The next week was the funeral, so we didn't go to the meet. There was a small article about it in the newspaper, but all it said was we never showed up. Maybe they didn't know why, or they just didn't want to say it. I've never really understood why suicide is such a taboo thing to talk about. Honestly, I've always felt that it needed to be talked about. When something like this happens, everyone has questions. Everyone wants to know why, or couldn't it have been stopped? No one really knows how to grieve, and it's just something you don't mention to other people as freely as you would another death.

A few months ago, another friend and I went joyriding (yeah, we're rebellious little teenagers who like to take our parents cars without asking) and stopped by his grave. It was a little bit after Halloween, so probably right before his birthday. We weren't expecting his grave to look neglected or anything, since his parents and girlfriend went pretty much every weekend. Some of his friends stopped by too, there were bags of sunflower seeds and cups of fruit punch from L&L. But then I wondered how many people had actually come to visit since graduation night? A lot of the same plastic lei and graduation cards had been at the grave site since then.

Just across the road, there's a memorial on the beach for a baseball player who crashed his truck their the previous year. He was also a senior at the time. It was spring break, and there was a huge party, and he was going 80 down the highway on his way home and lost control of his truck. It smashed against the rocks. The trashcans on the beach are sprayed "MAX", and a few flowers and half deflated balloons blow around wildly. It looks neglected sometimes, the only time it got really cleaned up again was graduation. Have people forgotten about him too?

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel, this happened was 9 months ago. I broke down about it the day before New Years, and I'm not sure why. It was kind of out of no where. But then I realized that I didn't want to die young. I didn't want to be forgotten about. The world doesn't stop when you're gone, it has to keep breathing, and it has to move on. But I don't want to move on, and I don't want to forget. Both of these deaths, though a different year, and completely different people, affected me in ways I can't explain. And I view life differently now.

I'm not really sure what I'm even asking for right now, but if I could just get some advice or help or just anything, it would be great.

[purplekc95]

You're grieving. Its understandable. I'm so sorry about your friend and its nothing to be afraid of. You should not be going on with your life worrying you're going to die young and be forgotten. To be honest with you even though it may seem like the people who are gone maybe forgotten but that's not entirely true. Somebody will always remember them. You remember your friend and somebody else remembers the other guy.
I can see how this changes your perspectives at how you look at life, but you gotta keep moving forward no matter how rough the road may be. Your friend would like that (:

I hope i helped! PM me if you need anything! I'd be glad to help you!