Triggering (Grieving): It's harder than ever...

[Marshmellow]

For a person who's dealt with death so many times in her short life, you'd think I'd be better at this by now. My mother tells me, "Accepting death comes with age." I lost my father when I was four, and at the time I was too young to understand what had really happened. My dad had told me the day of his death that he was going on a long journey, and at the time, I thought that simply meant he was going on a long fishing or hunting trip.

Five years later, I lost the only grandfather I ever knew. He may have been my step-grandfather, but he was the only grandfather I ever had, since my real maternal grandfather died eleven years before I was born.

When I was thirteen, my paternal grandmother passed away suddenly. I grieved and cried, but not so publicly. She was the grandmother who I thought would live forever, even though I knew nobody lived forever. She was just so full of life and lived like life was never ending.

On Monday night I had a dreaded nightmare. I dreamed that my grandmother was going to become morbidly ill and not make it through it. The next day, Tuesday, my phone had loss service all afternoon, so I didn't receive any of my messages until 6 AM the next morning.

That was when I woke up to a text message that turned my world upside down. My only remaining grandparent, my mother's mom, had fallen and broken her ribs, and she also had a heart attack. I couldn't believe it. I was back at college, and I had just seen her the Sunday before. She had been perfectly fine.

She's 91 years old, and now she lies in the hospital in excruciating pain. I called in and canceled all my work plans so I could come home. I didn't know it was going to be this bad. Yesterday when I talked to my mom on the phone, she talked as if Grandma was doing all right. But today when I got there, I just broke down.

She's lying there asking why the Good Lord can't let her die, and I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. Part of it's that, and part of it's guilt. I feel like I should be there with her, like I should have been there with her, like I should have gone with her wishes and gone to college locally so I could be with her. There were times I could have spent time with her, but I didn't because I put my own priorities first.

On my twelfth birthday, she told me she wouldn't live to see another one of my birthdays. My nineteenth birthday is on Sunday. Surely she's lived beyond her years, and she's lived a healthy life. I never thought she'd live to see me graduate, but last May she was there in the stands watching me walk across the stage. She's lived to see seven of her great-grandchildren, and three of her great-great-grandchildren.

She's lived a life I can only dream of having, and she feels as if her life is complete; she feels ready to enter the Heavenly kingdom.

Yet, here I am, bawling my eyes out as I type. When I broke down at the hospital, I made her start crying too. I told her I loved her, and that's what is important. Because when my mother's father died, my mother never got the opportunity to tell him that she loved him, and my mom has lived with that regret her entire life.

I knew this time was coming, I've known it at least seven years. It's just, I always hoped it'd be after I graduated college. There's no good time for this, I of all people know that. There's no right time to lose a loved one.

Part of life is death, and I know I need to learn to accept it. In time, I'll heal, but at the moment I just feel so guilty.

I don't understand how families can live across the country from each other and live with it. Maybe it's because I was brought up with a mother who made a promise to her father on his deathbed: "I'll take care of Mom for the rest of her life." She promised to be there for her mother.

I'm just having a mix of emotions and thoughts right now. This is something I wasn't prepared to deal with so early in the year. It's something no matter how much I knew it was coming, I could never be ready for.

Right now, I'm so thankful that I got to spend this last Christmas with my grandma, aunts, and uncles. I'm thankful that I got the opportunity to take a picture of my grandma and all of her children.

I hate seeing her pain, that's the worst part. Nobody should have to suffer the pain that she is going through right now. The right thing for me to do would be to accept her wishes, and come to turns with her leaving this Earthly world. But I just can't. I'm so selfish.

[Ellie]

Hey Nikki

I'll be honest; I don't really know what to say as a reply but I read your words and wanted to say something. Even if it's to tell you that I don't think you're selfish. One of the hardest things is to see someone you love and care about in so much pain. This is someone who you love and so naturally you're not going to want to see them go. It's our nature, not you being selfish.

I can understand that you feel guilty for not having gone to a college nearer to home but when it comes down to it your Grandmother would want you to be happy, to be at the college that you want to be at and for following what you want I'm sure she is and will always be proud of you.

One thing that I want to pick up on is when you said 'the right thing would be to accept her wishes' but I don't think there really is any right or wrong in this situation. You feel how you feel and you have every right to those feelings. Try not to force yourself to feel or do anything that you're either not ready or don't feel able to do. I think if anything that's something that you may come to regret. Spend time with your Grandmother being honest and true with her.

You're more than welcome to PM me if you ever want or need to talk. I'll be thinking of you all <3

[Marshmellow]

The thing is, my grandmother begged me to stay close to home. She didn't want me to leave. She begged all of her children to stay in the same city, which is why all four of her children leave nearby.

Of course she would want me to be happy, though. She just wanted me to be with her during her final months.

The doctor flat out said it's only a matter of time. My mom keeps asking me to come to the hospital, but somehow I don't feel right there. I don't want to be in the room when it happens. That was part of the reason I stayed far from my step-grandfather's room during his final days. I didn't go and see him until he requested me, and even then it was hard.

I should be there with her, and according to my mom, she's drifting in and out of sleep now because of all the pain medications. She's in a lot of pain. I think that's what hurts the most.

Somehow, when I pictured my grandmother's death, I pictured us walking into her house and finding her sitting in her chair having gone in her sleep. I never pictured her being in so much pain and agony. I think it would have been so much easier to cope that way.

And here I'm posed with another dilemma: should I go to the funeral or not? My college is two hours away, so if I absolutely had to, I could come home just for that day. I don't want to miss any classes, because my college is extremely strict about attendance. Though, if I had to, I'd hope my teachers would understand.

I guess my worst fear is that she'll go on my birthday. If she makes it through Sunday, it'd be miraculous. This weekend it's someone in my family's birthday every day. Mine ending the streak on Sunday. (My aunt's is today.)

In many pieces of my writing, I've always paralleled birth and death. When I write, it's one thing, but when birth and death actually affect my actual life at the same time, it's really painful.

Thank you for your reply.