Triggering (Grieving): It's been four months. And it's getting harder.

[Topside]

I've never posted anywhere before on sites like this. I feel like I just need to talk, I guess. . .and that's weird, because I've always had difficulty expressing myself. At least. . .expressing myself like this, I have.

My father commited suicide four months ago. His birthday was just this past Friday. And sometimes, I feel like I can't even go on without him. Everything I am today is because of him- we shared the same interests, had the same political views; he raised me on sports and music and took me and my sister everywhere. Eighty hours a week he worked and still he made time for his children. Always.

Then, it happened. I was completely blindsighted. I never would have thought. . .he could have ever done such a thing. And now everything I love just reminds me of everything I have lost, and I don't know what to do. I miss him so much. And I'm getting counseling, which I hope is helping, but sometimes. . .it just doesn't feel like it. I get so angry and I find that I can hardly bring myself to care about a lot of things, now. My mother tells me that she understands, but with her trying to push her new 'boyfriend' on me already, sometimes it takes all I have not to scream at her and scream at the world.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Rise]

Hey there.

First off I would like to congraulate you for expressing your self when you have had hard times doing this. This very much proves how strong you really are, how you have full trust in us, and how you want to get better. These are all things that I'm sure your father will be very proud of you for. Here on this site we are all here for you no matter the time of day, I'm sure you are always will be able to talk or be able to contact any of us staff members.

Your father must have been going through alot for him to end everything like this. When ever two people share a close bound and something happened to break them, it really does hurt especially if they passed away. But I wish for you to be proud of your self, you seemed to have been something for your father to live, at the end he lost his battle but I'm sure because of you, you made things much easier for him. Like how I said earlier, your father must have been going through alot for him to give up, but those things were beyond our control, but assure your self that what ever his reasons to give up they weren't because of you. When ever I hear a story of someone passing away, it opens a rift in my heart; because its not fair for them, how I got help when I needed it (I am a suicide survivor), but for people like him he didn't. I wished everyone would have been able to get the same help as I could but sadly that is not the case.

For you, I wish for you to keep going in life, this will sting for awhile like any open wound, but with time it will heal. You need to achieve your goals and carry on your father's legacy of sports and music. As much as possible try to continue what he started and make him proud when you accomplish all your goals. If he was still here I'm sure he wouldn't be wanted you to be grieving, he would want both you and your sister to put forth the best you could. Know that father is not gone, he is very much alive but living in your hearts. Allow him to be happy for you and achieve the very best in life. Make him smile.

Well hoped I helped. please don't hesitate to contact me for anything.

[alexandrish]

well first.. I would like to say.. sorry for your loss

but.. your father was someone that give you light in your life?? right??
I can't really said that you should move on... because it is hard!!! I might not know what it feel like to loss a father... but I know what it feel like when you lost someone that give you this light but (and I hope this will help you)

don't forget about him... use the memories of him for going on in life...
example.. when you go to the place on your memories.... you should remember about the happiness.... never ever get depressed..
maybe... suicide is the worst.... for death... but your father never ever wants you to lose hope!!! just thinking... at least you should make him calm in other world!!! you still have your sister right?? if you kept depressed and lost.. what about your sister?? she won't have someone to talk again.... who will protect her..
it will long and hard way... to overcome death... but it's better if you keep happy.. because for the last time.. at least... you will make your father happy...
when you sad.... your father will get worried.. and he will not be happy to left you..... because if you think that you can't do it for your self.... think about doing it for your father

anyway.. last words..
yeah counseling do suck.... they just do things from reading a book (or many).. that's why.. the best way is to talk to friends....

[The_Princess]

Everyone says that it will get easier with time. But that's not true. It never get's easier, you just get strong enough to deal with the pain and to keep on living. I lost my cousin (who was like a sister to me) to cancer in December of 2009. For the first maybe 6 months, I cried all the time. I used to post on her page how much I wanted to die instead of her, and people were worried. Eventually though, I became strong enough to understand that that's not what she would have wanted. I do not know your father, but I think he would want you to keep living. He feels no pain now, and I think he is happy. Never give up hope. You will get stronger soon, whether it be in a few months or even a year.