My mum.

[xchristeena]

I'm new to this and I am going through a really rough time and I'm hoping that I can get some advice here.

My mum died around 6 months ago, she had MS and that ended up being the cause of her death even though it rarely is that people die from MS. She found out she had it 2 years after I was born and she slowly became unable to walk and do a lot of things for herself. She was also only weighed about 5 stone 11 and she usually had a fairly broad build. It was only over the past 5 years that she became so depressed and she lost contact and didn't really have much of her life. My dad was still here and he looked after her so well.

A year before she died she became unable to swallow anything and she coughed up flem and threw up constantly because we ended up finding that her esophagus had stopped working. She ended up being fed through a tube for about 5 months before she went into hospital with a infection for a month.

After getting over the infection she got water on her lungs and went straight to intensive care where she overcame that but she was so close to dying. It then happened again but she overcame that as well. The third time it happened she over came that but it had destroyed her mind and she would make up things that didn't really happen. She would also believe that she was at home etc.

A few hours before she died me and my dad were called into the hospital and she was very agitated and she was being fed off oxygen and her body was slowly shutting down so she couldn't move or talk. Her eyes were fixed in one place and she couldn't move her mouth. Though because I wanted to say something to her I told her I loved her and then left the room but before I did despite how much pain and energy it took her she tried her best and said 'I love you too' and as far as I know they were her last words.

Through her becoming ill over the past year I retaliated so much and used to get so angry with her but not with her personally just the way her illness was making her. I feel so guilty that I should've looked out for her more and people have told me that it's just because I was upset and was dealing it in my own way it doesn't make the feeling go away. When she died I became so happy, not because she'd died because of the relief and I hadn't been that happy in a long time. I just adjusted to life quite quickly and I had fun and just forgot about everything that had happened. But around two months later when my 16th birthday came I became so depressed and sad and it started to hit me. I started slitting and I smoked for around 5 days. I also went to visit her grave a few weeks before christmas and I hadn't ever been because the funeral was the day before I went back to school.

I have started slitting again and have become so emotional and I seem to be hurting people around me and I genuinely hate myself and I can't try and not because it doesn't go away! I'm not trying to attention seek but I want to stop this feeling because it's horrible and I just want to go back to carrying on with life. At the moment I'm hardly eating as well. I believe that this is all down to my mum dying and that I've never had time to grieve and I also cry a lot when I think about her and I can usually talk about her and it not make me cry like it has.

I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to get this out my system and I could really do with some advice because I don't know how to deal with death and I don't want to keep being sad around my friends because they're the closest thing I have in life.

Thanks to anyone that helps, I would really appreciate it!

[Sythan]

I am so very sorry for your lose. It is hard to accept, but she was in pain, death gave her that release from pain. There is no doubt she loved you no matter what, and you did cope in your own way.

It is a natural part of life, but we should never cry and grieve endlessly, our loved ones would want us to carry on with our lives.