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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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butterflybelle Offline
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Question How can I help him?? - April 19th 2011, 10:29 AM

My ex-boyfriend's mum died a few days before christmas last year.
We broke up before that, around November, I think.
He used to self-harm, but I managed to convince him not to and he always told me that he didn't feel the need to self-harm because I was his girlfriend.

That was part of the reason we broke up. I didn't feel comfortable having such a mentally unstable boyfriend because I was afraid of breaking his heart. So, after we'd been going out a few weeks, I told him I'd rather just be friends. He was upset, and he cut himself pretty badly in the days after, but then his parents noticed for the first time and sent him to counselling.

Not long after that, his mum died suddenly in the night. Of a hemorage or something. I was the first person he told. I wanted to be there to support him, but every time I talked to him, he ended up changing the topic until we were talking about our failed relationship again.

I stayed away, then. I didn't want to lead him on, especially with him in such a fragile state.
He's a little better now, and we talk every day at school, but I keep forgetting that he's been through such a traumatic thing, and I sometimes say insensitive things. I don't know what to say to him to make him feel better about himself and the situation. I want to help, but I don't want him to fall for me again. What should I do??
   
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Re: How can I help him?? - April 20th 2011, 08:28 PM

Hey,

I guess you can only be there for him so much. But you have to set clear boundaries with him and say you just want to be friends and want to be able to help him. Just listening and being there can mean an awful lot to some people. It can be difficult to know what to say to make him feel better but I think as long as you are sensitive and he knows you are there to support him as a friend then it should be ok. The main thing is just being clear with him so he doesn't get too close to you then feel let down when you don't want to be in a relationship.

I hope things go ok.


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Re: How can I help him?? - April 22nd 2011, 04:31 PM

Exactly what Jen said but give it to him in soft and gntle way, as not to hurt his feelings to much.

The best thing is to listen to him, and just support him, be the person who cares

Hope everything goes fine


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