my fault......

[gloves123]

it's been about a year since my great grandma died.
and it's all my fault.
me and her had never been that close and i barly ever saw her, and because she was so fragile looking i was afraid of hugging her because i thought i would hurt her. Her sister had died when i was 8 but now she is with her ..... dead.... and it's my fault.
One night i had just watched a movie where a dead relitive was watching over them and when i was waiting to fall asleep i wondered who was watching over me. I couldn't think of any one so I just HAD to be selfish and ask for someone to watch over me when i had my parents, brother, friends ect already doing that!!! two days later..... my great grandmas dead...... and i couldn't even go to her FUNERAL!! my parents said i should just go to day camp because it would be boring but i didnt care!!!! i wanted to go to the funeral of the woman i had just KILLED!!! And why did she have to die?! After what i did, who would want to watch over someone like me???!!!!! no one knows i killed her because im afraid to tell them!!! I don't want to be hated or rejected and i don't ant them saying i didn't do what i think i did because I KNOW I DID!
and i can't help thinking sometimes that i should pay her back for taking her life....

[Anatidaephobia]

Sweetheart i am sorry for your loss. It's always hard to lose someone close to you. Often we blame ourselves. But it was not your fault. You didn't kill her. You prayed for someone to wactch over you, not for your great grandma to die. By no means was this your fault. Sometimes people pass away and it is hard to take.
I know you wanted to go to the funeral but you're mom probably didn't want you to go to a place like that when you are so young. It might seem like a harsh decision but i am sure that your parents thought that it was the best. They wouldn't have made the decision lightly.
You should not be punished as you have done nothing wrong.
Take care sweetheart and if you need anything i am always here

[Troubled_Heart]

Emma's right, this isn't your fault, sometimes bad things happen and we can't stop them, but you shouldn't blame yourself. Parents try there best to protect there children and they thought this was best for you, funerals are horrible places. Nobody will reject you because you did nothing wrong. I'm happy to talk if you need to Xxx

[Kate*]

I'm very sorry for your loss. This was NOT your fault, I think it was just her time to pass, it had nothing to do with the fact that you wondered who was watching over you. I often wonder this too sometimes, but we don't control when our loved ones pass away. If it helps, I'm sure that she knows about this and wouldn't blame you at all, nor would she want you to feel guilty for it.

[dipka]

I agree with the other's. However I know EXACTLY how you feel, I still blame myself for someone elce's death but I am now trying to overcome it. It's a long hard road but however long it is I will reach the end, you also need to belive this.

So, how do I do this? I hear you ask..
well, I think the best thing you could do is to remember the EXACT chain of event's. What happend before/after she died? The easyest way to do this would be to create a large timeline, start with the day before the day she died and the day after. Recored apsolutly anything you did and felt during these time's. (wich from my own experiences there will be things that you have done hundere's of times elcewhere without thinking about them, yet you may somehow even be able to remember exact phrases you said) Then work to expand before/after creating anything up to a two week timeline. When you are ready I would then strongly urge you to show someoen anyone you can this timeline, talk through it with them, ask them for their veiws/thought's on the cause of her death, ask them to help you make sence of what that cause was.

More than likely that someoen elce (preferably not a family member/close freiend or anyone who was close to her but rather someone who did not know her) will be able to see the situation in a new way and help you to start to belive something different.

This is the stage I am up to now, I'm getting there.. as long as it takes.

Remember, you are not alone, I am here as are others who have also lost people close to them, all you need to do is ask.
dipka x