How to deal with birthdays after family deaths?

[Melody Pond]

In October 2010 my Grandad passed away and then in April 2011 my Uncle passed away. Both had forms of cancer and really suffered quite a lot before they passed away. My Grandad passing away was the first death I have ever had to deal with in my life.

My 19th birthday is on Sunday and it is my first birthday without them. I am just thinking of all the things that are different because of it. I will have one less "Niece" birthday card and the card I would have got from my grandparents will now just be from my Nan. Also my Grandad would always write out the card and it will be heartbreaking not seeing his handwriting or "Love from Nan and Grandad" on the bottom of my card. At Christmas my Uncle got ill and my Nan was depressed so we didn't get Christmas cards so I didn't go through this then but now the thought of opening a card and not seeing his writing is tough to deal with.

Also the last time I saw my Grandad was my 18th birthday. He was ill and in hospital before my birthday and he was desperate to be well enough to come to my birthday part. Doctors said it wouldn't happen but he fought and he got well enough to be let out. He came to my birthday party and was the healthiest and happiest I had seen him in a year. After my birthday he got ill again and went back into hospital and we all knew that was it.

I didn't go an visit him in the hospital as I wanted the last memory of him to be the happy memory of my birthday. I don't regret not visiting him but it is just hard to think back to this time last year when things were so much different and we were all happy. It just makes the day more difficult because I will be thinking about how it is exactly 1 year since I saw my Grandad alive.

I was just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to cope since I have ended up in tears just writing this. I don't want to spend my birthday in tears and I know this day will be tough for my Mum too (It was her Dad and her Brother who passed away) so I want to try and stay strong for everyone.
I am not religious so please try to avoid the whole "they will be looking down on you on your birthday" stuff because it really won't help me cope.

[zombiehunterforhire]

well the best i could propably tell you is just remember the good times you had with them both. it may not be the best of advice but thats what i do everytime there's a death in the family and it works most of the time.

[Audacious]

Hey there.

I went through this when my grandma died. She died a few months before my 16th birthday, and she was like my mom (I grew up with my grandparents in my home). It was exceptionally hard to have my first birthday without my baba (grandma).

What I did was I did something special for HER. I didn't end up having a party because of different issues, but I celebrated with my immediate family. At night when I was by myself, I lit a candle in her memory and I wrote her a letter. When I went to a teen group therapy thing after she died, we always lit candles in memory of our loved ones. It wasn't a religious thing, it was just a reminder that their memory still lives inside us - like a fire that will never go out. Writing a letter is a good way to say things to the person who died without the religious aspect of it...like praying to them or talking to them. I like to write a small letter and tie it to the end of a balloon and then let it go outside, but that's just symbolic for me, and something we did at the group therapy thing.

Stay close to your family on your birthday. Maybe talk to your mom about it. I always talk to my mom about how much I miss baba, and I think your mom would understand since it was her dad and brother who passed away.

If you need extra support on that day, just come on TH and talk to me or someone else or whatever. We are a good support system for you.

Jenn

[screwdriverneedsgas]

Hello there. Rachel! i think the best way to treat it is.. you must remember the departed.. never truly leave us. they love us, and will always support us. One thing to keep in mind is that.. the ones that love us.. will want us to enjoy our birthdays and smile and be happy.

and it will be their pleasure if they see you smiling from high up there.

just a tip : )

[Sea Monkey]

Hi there,

It's hard when we lose the people close to us, but the best thing you can do is remember the good times and keep them in your memories. Your Uncle and Grandad would like you to be happy on your birthday and would like you to have a fabulous day.

Be happy, they would like to see you have an awesome birthday.