Triggering (Grieving): i saw my dad die

[dYing*iNsiDe]

when i was 6 i saw my dad die. my mom woke my big brother(7yrs old) and me telling us to pack some colthes because we were going to stay at my grandmas house for a while. we were going to start packing when my tia blanca and my tio jr got there and started paking for us because i heard them say we were not going to leave in time. i asked my mom about it and she said we had to leave before my dad got there. when i asked why she said it was a surprise but i knew it wasnt and them my dad got there. he was in his car when my aunt told us to get in her car and wait. my brother and i go in the back seat our knees on the seat as we saw what was going on. my dad went inside and i didnt see what was going on but i know i heard them yelling.he got out and went to his car and that was when my aunt and uncle probably called the cops. when the got there my dad got out of his truck and walk foward 1 or 2 ft.they told him to get down 5 times only in english. the 3 time he got his knive out and he was12 ft from the cops. they told him twice more in english only and opened fire shoting him 6 times. he walked foward 3 steps and fell to the ground. my aunt rushed to get us and i pulled away walking to my dad but my mom and a cop told me to go to my uncle and aunt i did that while i was telling myself he was not dead and giving up when my mom started to cry. i went to counsling for a few months after that but i never said anything but now i am crying myself to sleep, having occasianal nightmares and some reacuring falshbacks of it. but the worst part of what happed was that we live near mexico these cops were stupid enough to not even say it in spanish and they were also still in training. i am so mad i i never say any thing i started cuting myself an then on thursday i punched my forehead so hard i left a bump the size of a marble on it (covered by my bangs). and i and always bottling up my feelings i get angry i cry my self to sleep almost every night and it takes my like 30-35 min to finally stop. i am stressed by my stict school and its hard homework and lots of recent deaths and the only thing i have to turn to is my mp3 because scince that accident i have not trusted anyone (i still have lots of "friends" but i act happy when i am around them) and i really need advice on how to cope with this.