Triggering (Grieving): I'm so lost without her

[Millarw12]

It's been three years since she died.

I've been wanting to die for four years though, because that's when she was formerly given a terminal diagnoses.

I can't cope. I should be stronger than this, I know I shouldn't be still so upset. I just don't know what to do. She was like a soul mate in a best friend. She was the good half of me, literally we were like yin and yang. Then they wouldn't let us see each other when she was dying, she probably thought I had abandonded her like her other "friends" and I never got to tell that beautiful beautiful angel how much I love her. I never got to say good bye. I never will either.

Fuck I need her so much. I've gone off the rails a bit. She was the good one, influencing me positively, and now.. fucking look at me. smoking, drinking, dropping out of school, not caring about my own life anymore.

It hurts. So much. Every minute of every hour of every day. Even in my dreams I can't escape this agony. I need her to come back. I can't do this anymore. I need her.

[Amberpamber]

Hey hun,

I know what it's like to loose someone that close to you and not had the chance to say good bye. 1 idea you might wanna try is writing her a letter putting all you thoughts, feelings about what happend, what you've done since then. Whatever you wanna say to her write it down...then very carefully burn the letter outside and let the ashes fly into the wind and onto the ground. That'll be your way of sending it to her so she can read it and it lets you get everything off your chest.

[Artistic Soul]

Hey.....sad to hear this.....! it's very tough to lose someone this close. but i agree with amberpamber. you should try writing your thoughts. hope everything will be fine....take care. xx

[Darkeinu ♥]

All you want is to be with her. Your heart hurts like you can't believe. I know, I've been there and I'm still there every freaking day. All I can say though is, she is watching you. Look out that window at night, see that star, that's her. Look out the window during the day, see that cloud? That's her.
I don't dream either, I have nightmares. I know how scary it is. It's like how is she really gone? So young, it's not fair. And why did she leave without giving me a chance to say goodbye? Doesn't G-d care about my hurt? The least He could've done before taking that person away from all of us, is given us a chance to say good-bye.

My friend that passed away in March was a pre-school teacher and this little girls babysitter as well. This little girl, is still heartbroken. She is 5. Everynight, she blows a kiss out her window to my best friend, because she knows that my friend is that star she sees from her window. She picked out a frame, with purple sparkly jewels to place a picture of my friend and place it in her room (my friends favorite color was purple.) My friend also LOVED purple flowers, this little girl, who is 5 years old, planted a big purple flower in her front yard. Her mom went to an art show of hers, and randomly, on a picture of a cat that the little girl drew was my best friends name who passed away. Maybe, maybe you could do some thing similar as this little girl that I know has done. I know, she's 5, why should you do what a 5 year old is doing? Because this 5 year old, now knows what it is to grieve like you and I do. I am not giving up yet, because I know this 5 year old can't handle more grieving. please, if you were gone, think about all of us here, we would miss you. I know I would, and I don't think I can handle grieving for another person.

Idk, I feel like I just rambled, I hope something I said helps

[Apple Orchard Ghost]

I know what it's like, to not have been able to say goodbye. I know that you're really regretting it and hating yourself for it. But, you can say goodbye, or anything else you want to tell her. I write letters to my cousin, who I lost two years ago, telling her even the most trivial things, and it's like I'm actually talking to her. And never feel bad for being upset about a loss. Take as long as you have to to be okay with it. I wish you well, and PM me anytime if you want to talk.