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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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Just Duckie Offline
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Confused - March 30th 2009, 08:53 PM

Hey ,
I've been here before..and told my story,that was quite awhile ago now.I lost my cousin Ed to cancer in '04. He struggled for a very long time,went into remission once but it came back twice as hard and he just didn't make it.
Everyone else in the family has seemed to be recovered from it , or atleast dealing with it much better than I have. I'm not sure why but I just feel like, I still haven't dealt with it. It's odd but i could be fighting with anyone,or a bad day and crying and then the previous problem doesn't matter i just can't stop crying once i think about how i lost him. And how I've let him down, which sounds stupid and i know that he would understand completely but it still hurts. * He asked me to take care of is younger sister,make sure she stays out of trouble.* Well we are to much alike and fight constantly...We always get over it though..except we havn't talked in 3 months now,and i'm really worried,Cause she's back into hard drugs,and her boyfriend is a dick. But she refuses to talk to me.
Off topic..sorry. Anyways.
I was thinking i should go back and talk to my therapist but i can't really afford it right now..but i feel like somethings wrong.. something that should be fixed. Alot of friends have told me to move on,.which is weird cause i'm never going to be able to forget him. So i hate it when people say just move on.But my sister doesn't think i've come to concept with it, That i still plan for us to do stuff, and get really emotional when the stuff we said we were gonna do when we get older and now we can't...I dunno.

Sorry for typing so much.


Life gets that much harder, but it makes you that much stronger.Some pages turned,some bridges burned but their were lessons learned.

Everyone's life is like a song, but in the end we all sing different lyrics.
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Re: Confused - March 30th 2009, 09:36 PM

Hi there!

I am so sorry to hear about your cousin, Ed. It sounds like you two were really close! It's the worst to lose your best friend and you cousin, especially to cancer. You are doing everything right though, you are trying your best to help his little sister. It's hard to help someone when they refuse to let you in, but the best thing is to try. She may need some time. But don't give up on her! I know your cousin is grateful that you did take on that task and you do worry about her.

What you are doing right now is a great step in the right direction: talking about it. The more you talk, the easier it is to understand why things are that way. I know the grief has to be overwhelming and no one should be taken from life so young. But your cousin DOES want you to lead a long, happy life. Remember him for all of the good things. The great times. He's always going to be there with you, on your path of life. No one really moves on, they can move forward. Take the good pieces, happy pieces along with you for the ride! No one can ever be forgotten like that.

It might be good to talk this over more with family. Get their perspectives on things. Your sister seems to have a good grasp on it. Grief is a lot easier when you have someone to lean on, talk about all the great funny stories and remember someone by!

If you ever need to talk, please never hesitate to send a message my way.
   
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Re: Confused - March 30th 2009, 09:40 PM

I talk about him everyday, to anyone and everyone. I can find a piece of him in every single person, his looks, his attitude, his personality. My niece & nephews .. they look alot like him and act like him.

I think part of my problem is I think about too many good times. I refuse to move on. It's not right , and not fair and life just plain sucks :P

Except...not i just really miss him. He was my best friend. We were together everyday since we were little until he got sick.. i strayed away from him. and he hid from me. cause he knew how hard i was dealing with it. 16 is hard enough without your cousin being diagnosed with cancer.


Life gets that much harder, but it makes you that much stronger.Some pages turned,some bridges burned but their were lessons learned.

Everyone's life is like a song, but in the end we all sing different lyrics.
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Re: Confused - March 30th 2009, 10:08 PM

Oh. Holding on too much to the good times? That will overwhelm a person. You will find him in so many people, places, things around you. What you have to do is appreciate it, let it make you happy but don't clutch it. It's never going to disappear, he's never going to disappear. He's so lucky to have a best friend and a cousin to think about him and love him so much.

That's too young for cancer, for both of you. I can't imagine how devastating it must have been to watch him go through with that.

What if you wrote him a letter? Talking about everything. It's a way of kind of settling things. I mean, you never move on from that, only forward. You've got to do right by yourself and for Ed.

When you were with your therapist did things seem easier to sort of handle? Day to day?
   
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Re: Confused - March 31st 2009, 02:36 AM

I'm not sure, it's been along time since I seen her. And there were lots of other stuff going on that seemed huge at the time. Being 14-16. You tend to over react to stuff a lot differently than i would now being 21.

I stopped cause my mom got really sick,and couldn't pay for it anymore, so i never went back.


Life gets that much harder, but it makes you that much stronger.Some pages turned,some bridges burned but their were lessons learned.

Everyone's life is like a song, but in the end we all sing different lyrics.
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Re: Confused - April 5th 2009, 01:57 PM

Would she refuse to talk to you if you gave her a call? She might be willing to have a good conversation over the phone at least. It might take a few calls to bring her back, to the point of where you two could keep in touch again.

I'm sorry about your mom. I hope she is doing better! What about talking to a friend you trust? Or since your sister understands that you are not doing well with it, you could talk with her?
   
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Re: Confused - April 5th 2009, 04:46 PM

Hey,

I am so sorry you lost you cousin to such a horrid disease. Loss of a loved one is a hard thing to deal with. It is okay to cry, it is okay to miss him, it is okay to think about him but it isn’t okay to let your grieving rule your life. Just because he isn’t in your thoughts every second doesn’t mean he is forgotten. It doesn’t mean he is going to disappear or that he doesn’t matter anymore. When your friends tell you that you should move on I really think they mean to say that you need to accept the fact that he is gone.

It doesn’t sound like you let him down at all. All someone can ask from you is to try and it sounds to me like you are putting forth a good effort. It is one thing to try and steer someone in the right direction and it is another to attempt to control someone. You are not responsible for her actions. Only she can be held accountable for what she decides to do. Because of the existence of free will it is impossible to control another human and trying to will just make matters worse. Try your best to express to her that you do care and that the path she is going down is going to lead no where. However, if she won’t talk to you or see you then there isn’t much you can do. If things are really out of control and her parents aren’t aware of the situation then I would talk to them about it. Whatever you do don’t give up on her. Don’t give up trying to help her.

I know Ed wouldn’t want his death to hold you back from all the things you planned for your life. He wouldn’t want you to stop living to the fullest because of him. In fact, I think you should try and do the opposite. Why not try to live for him? Wake up everyday and give it all you’ve got because you are still alive. Make the most of things because not everyone gets as much time to enjoy life as you. Try to cherish every moment and reach for the stars. You can be happy again if you’ll only start living.

I agree with you that seeing a therapist would be a good idea. Do you think it would be possible to start saving money for one? I know there are probably a lot of other things you might want to spend the money on but every time you are about to make a non essential purchase think about how saving the money is going to help you. Think about what is best for you right now. Are you currently in college? Most colleges have free counseling services for students. I hope you are able to get the help you need soon enough. Until then I am here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to don’t hesitate to PM me. I’ve also lost someone special to be so I know how hard it is. We can help each other through this. Hang in there and take care.

Lots of love <3 Mimi

Note: While your replies are helpful try not to use the forums for one on one discussion. Instead take conversations like these to PM. Thanks



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Last edited by soul; April 7th 2009 at 07:37 PM.
   
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