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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Anthony Offline
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When does it stop - January 11th 2009, 04:17 AM

So my dad died a little over a year ago and Im still feeling depressed about the whole thing, like its hard to explain because I am very depressed all the time and a lot of it is related to other things in my life, but I just feel like him actually dieing is when everything in my life really started to fall apart. I mean I dont like to even think about it becouse I still havnt gotten over the fact hes gone, its so hard for me becouse I miss him so much. Does it ever get better? I mean its just really hard for me to deal with this, I cant even mention him or think about him without crying. And part of it is that I feel really guilty, I mean right before my dad died I used to get so mad at him, he was under alot of stess and he used to hit me and my mom alot, I would tell myself I hated him, but then he killed himself. I feel awful my last thoughts about him wile he was here were negative, I never even got to tell him I loved him. And you know it wasnt his fault he did that stuff to me he was under alot of stress and I deserved it, I hate myself for being like that, I just wish I could have let him know I loved him.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 11th 2009, 05:57 AM

Hi Anthony,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine just how difficult it must have been for you to have lost your father.

From what you've said, it seems to me that despite your differences and the negative things that went on, that you did in fact value and love your father very much. I'm sure that he knew just how much you loved him, too. Even if it's been a year or so since you lost him and things were rough between the two of you, it's completely understandable that this still hurts as much as it does.

I see you said that you're unable to think about your father or mention him without crying. Does anyone in your life currently know just how you've been feeling about your father and what happened, though it's difficult to talk about? To me, I always found that getting these things out helped so much more than bottling it up inside. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Maybe your mother, a family friend, one of your friends, a teacher or a counselor? If there is someone who you trust that you can talk to in person, I strongly suggest you do so.

If you haven't been able to talk about how you've been feeling or don't think you can, have you tried or considered expressing how you feel through literature? Sometimes writing about things can be somewhat less difficult to do, and it can help a lot.

If you're not sure how to express feeling and would like to consider it, here are some ideas:

- Write in a blog or journal about how you're feeling. (This site has a blog system, so you could try using that if you want to.)
- Write poems about how you're feeling. (We have a self expression section, if you do write something and would like to share it.)
- Write stories about happy memories you shared.
- Write a letter to your father and go to his grave to read it as if you were going to read it to him.

These are just a few of the many things you can try. If you have any other ideas in mind, I'm sure you could try them as well.

Now, I see you said that there have been other things going on in your life that have been difficult for you and that you feel everything has been falling apart since your father's death. Can you tell us a little more about what has been happening and what has been upsetting you?

I know that things are very difficult for you right now, but please do know that we're here to listen. If you ever want to talk about this, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Take care.



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Re: When does it stop - January 11th 2009, 06:07 AM

Death and grief have a few stages generally.

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
6) Disruption

You do not have to go through these in a linear order, but analysis of people has shown this is the typical pattern for most people.

As time passes you will just learn to cope, unfortunatly is just one of those things. It can take time and from the research some of the stages can take as little as 1 month to 6 months to years. It really just depends.

Some people do not go through the stages of grief I presented however that is what most physciatrists will base their support on and coaxe you into each stage.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 11th 2009, 02:44 PM

Just like everything has sucked since he died, I mean finacially we have like nothing now, and my mom is like a different person now, and I really cant talk to her about any of this, i just cant do it. Also thats when socially my life started to come apart, I pretty much lost any friends I ever had and kinda became a target for people at school. Its so frustrating, its really not fair at all, sometimes I just wish I could change places with him, he obviously meant so much to my mom and everything and im just a complete failure.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 13th 2009, 09:45 AM

hey, im sorry for your loss. i know that its hard losing a parent. i lost my mom when i was 17 to lung cancer.

i know what its like to feel guilty because you fought with your dad. i was always yelling at my mom, half the time for no reason. but i know what your going threw with the guilt trip. i still feel shitty for the way i treated my mom. i even told her on occassion that i hated her and that i couldnt wait till she died cause my life was better off. ha newsflash, my life is much worse. but you cant beat your self up about the way your treated your dad, or for the negative thoughts about him that you had. it seemed like you were in a crappy situation with him, and honestly i think its ok to think you hate your parents. cause deep down, you know you dont hate them. you were angry and frustrated. its all a part of being a kid. and things do get better. i cant say when cause its diffrent for everyone. i can tell you something that worked for me a little bit. i was having a really hard time with my moms death last year when it came to her bday. my sister told me to write my mom a letter, telling her all the things that i never got around to saying, and to tell her how much she really meant to me. so i did. the next step is to read it aloud when your alone. its like your talking to the person even though he/she cant respond. but it made me feel a little better because i was able to get alot out in the open, even if it was too late. but i know that my mom doesnt want me to feel like i do, and im sure your dad doesnt want you to feel like this either. another thing my sister said is that in order to feel better and to get along with the grieving, you have to forgive yourself. i was never able to do that yet, but maybe you will. i dont know how much i have been a help. but i hope that things get better with you. and if you ever need anyone to talk to that really understands the guilt, im here! just message me or email me at lovekillsuslowly@aol.com just let me know who you are and that your from teenhelp.

good luck to you, and take care <3
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Re: When does it stop - January 13th 2009, 11:28 PM

Anthony,

I want you to know that is is okay to be upset about the loss of your father. Your emotions, no matter what they are, are valid. Sharing how you're feeling is a very positive step, and I'm so glad you've reached out to us, and shared.

I understand how difficult it is to talk about, to even think about, our lost loved ones. You may feel sad, angry, guilty, or cheated out of a lifetime spent with someone. I cannot imagine losing a parent, it must be so difficult. Please believe that it is okay to talk about how you're feeling, no matter how long it has been.

Know that it isn't your fault and that, before his death, you were experiencing a wide range of emotions impacted by stress and other factors. I know, from experience, how difficult it is to be so angry at someone just before they pass, and feel so terribly guilty when they aren't with us anymore.

I'm sure he knows you loved him. Our parents, our family, the people we love, they understand, even if we don't talk about it, that we can love them deeply, and with all of our hearts, even if we get angry sometimes. Moms and dads know we say things we don't mean, like that we hate them, and they love us anyways.

You aren't a failure, Anthony. Your mom is experiencing grief, too, but I know if you asked her she would not want you to trade places with your dad. Your life is just as valuable as his. Live in ways that make him proud to call you his son, that make you proud to be his son, and don't be afraid to talk to him, even though he's gone. Even if you don't believe he can hear you, even if you don't believe in Heaven, it's okay to talk to him.

Life isn't easy and loss is even harder. I can't promise it will ever feel easy, but it will begin to feel easier, with time. I am always, always here to talk. Let me know if you need anything.



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Re: When does it stop - January 14th 2009, 12:59 AM

I wish I could talk to my mom about it but I cant, I cant put her thru that, his death was so upsetting for her, and she has changed, she has changed so much, I mean she doesn't do anything anymore, she drinks all the time now, and shes so irratic sometimes, she never used to hit me, and now sometimes shell just slap me across the face for no apparent reason. I love my mom so much, but im scared there is somthing seriously wrong with her, and attempting to talk to her is not even an option believe me. And besides I cant even talk about him without crying and I cant let her see me cry, iv got to be strong for them but its really hard for me.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 14th 2009, 01:13 AM

Anthony,

I know you want to be strong for you mom but that isn't fair to you. You are allowed to grieve and you need to let everything out. I tried being strong for my mom and aunts when my grandfather passed and it tore me up inside. Don't do that to yourself. Talk to someone; you can talk to me, if you wish.
I'm here if you ever need me. Take care of yourself.


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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: When does it stop - January 16th 2009, 04:48 AM

I just feel like I shouldnt be such a baby all the time, when I start crying in public like at school and stuff its really embarrassing and people just tease me about it, I cant even think about him without getting upset, I dont want to forget about him but I just wish it didnt make me so sad. And I need to be strong for my family, if im not whos gonna be, I just need to except his death and get over it, I cant be such a baby about it.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 16th 2009, 07:20 AM

You're not being a baby about this, you're grieving because you miss him. It's completely understandable, you shouldn't think of yourself as the one to hold the family together. Just let your emotions out, write a journal, talk to a professional etc. In time, I promise you you'll get better, it just takes a long time to move on from someone you loved.


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Re: When does it stop - January 17th 2009, 04:06 AM

I wish I had people in my life I could talk to. The main reason its so upsetting for me is because he did this to himself, he chose to die which means he didn't love us anymore, he didn't love me anymore, you know maybe if I had just been a better person he might still be alive. I feel awful because I probably was the reason, if he didn't have to take care of me things would have been alot easier for everyone in my family. Its just not fair, I still cant believe im never gonna see him again, ill never be able to talk to him again, hes gone, gone forever. It makes me sick to even think about becouse I miss him so much.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 17th 2009, 07:49 PM

I know what you mean, my dad died last March.
it takes time, although the pain doesn't seem to go away
remember the good times and keep your family and friends close
the support is good <3
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Re: When does it stop - January 19th 2009, 02:05 AM

im so sry, nobody deserves that, all i ever think is why did it have to happen to my dad, but really lots of ppl are going thru the same thing and no one should have to. I just cant get over it though, id give anything just to see him again, and apoligise for anything I ever did, I just want to tell him I love him. I still feel responsible for all of this, and I hate myself for it. And the worst part is I was so mad at him for killing himself and leaving me, but I myself have thought about suicide many times, im such a selfish person, but everything just sucks in my life and its no ones fault but my own, and somtimes I think everyone would just be better off without me.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 20th 2009, 09:32 AM

just because your dad killed himself, didnt mean that he didnt love you anymore. everyone has there own demons. his were obviously out of control. i dont think that he killed himself because of you. and honestly if he did, he didnt deserve to have you in his life at all. but no one would be better off without you. we all think like that. i have always thought that everything went wrong because i was around. i still feel like that. but you can tbeat yourself up over it. sometimes shit jsut happens and you have to deal with it. you dont have to be strong for your mom or your family. you need to grieve and have that time for yourself so you can get through your dads death. you need to focus on what YOU NEED. not what anyone else needs. its hard going threw life without your loved ones by your side. sometimes it gets so bad that you wish that you would be dead. i know. today is the second year mark that i lost my best friend. but i know i have to keep my head up no matter how much it hurts and get through the day. its ok to cry and be sad. it really is, and you shouldnt feel ashamed for crying. you miss your dad. but trust me, life wouldnt be better without you.
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Re: When does it stop - January 21st 2009, 03:23 AM

I feel incredibly guilty, and who else can I blame but myself, I just hate it I always feel like I need to take responsibility for everything, i mean i dont even know anymore maybe I am crazy, sometimes I want to cry but I dont let myself anymore cause I think I gotta be tough or something, im so stupid, I mean I know im a weak person why dont I just accept it. I cant deal with this, ontop of everything else in my sucky life, its just too much. Idk sometimes I dont even think I deserve to live, im pathetic, i mean I stay around cause of my family, but honestly I think they would be better off without me, I mean I know for a fact my sister will, i dont want her to end up like me, and my mom, idk I feel like she has resented me since my dad died, I dont really think shed even care, im not even her real son, im adopted, I have no real family who would miss me. It really hurts, I want him back so bad, why cant I just accept this.
   
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Re: When does it stop - January 26th 2009, 11:08 PM

omg, listen if you're online read your messages, please!!!
   
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