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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
losing touch. Offline
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how do i help my mum? - April 3rd 2009, 01:14 AM

My mum lost her dad not long ago and she's not coping at all. All she does is cry all day and sometimes she'll just lie there in bed all day and won't talk or communicate with anyone. She has a lot to deal with, what with me being ill as well and i just don't know what to do to help her.

Everything i try never seems to work. If i try and help her she just throws it back in my face. She seems to think that everything is so much worse for her, and that the rest of us aren't even upset about my grandads death.

I've been as patient as i can with her but to be hoenst my patience is now wearing thin. As much as i want to be there for her and i understand how difficult it must be for her, i can't help to but feel shes just making matters worse for herself by completely distancing herself from the rest of the world.

She won't accept help, and she won't listen to anyone. I'm fed up of her telling me how everything is worse for her and no one could possibly be upset as she is. I understand that i don't know exactly how she's feeling, but he was my grandfather as well, and i am extremely upset about his death also.

I know it's normal for people to be like this when they're grieving but it's dividing our whole family and i don't know.. i just want her to be happy again, but at the moment it doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon.

Also, she practically blamed me for his death which has been playing over and over in my mind ever since she said it. Hardly makes me feel great. && she keeps making comments like, "i've already lost my dad now i might lose my daughter too." doesn't exactly help me when i'm putting all my strength into fighting and trying to get better, then she comes out with such a negative statement like that. it fucking pisses me off to be quite blunt. she keeps telling me how its worse for her than it is for me as well.

urgh.

sorry, this is just a mixed up ramble, but i think it fits best in this forum?


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Re: how do i help my mum? - April 3rd 2009, 01:54 AM

Hey Elle. I'm sorry your mom's been like this lately

I think you're right that it is normal to an extent for her to feel like this after her dad died. Maybe she handles his death with anger towards you and the rest of your close family. It's probably hard for her to deal with the emotions that she's feeling. I can understand that it might be tough on you, but I'd just give it some time. Everyone goes through different stages of grieving, but it won't last forever. If it really is bothering you, maybe have a talk with her and simply let her know how you feel about your grandpa's death. Maybe she feels alone and has it in her mind that no one quite understands how much of an impact your grandpa's death made on her life. Maybe try to let her know that you understand and do know how it feels, because you're going through it to. Above all else, I'd just give her some time, and she'll be back to her old self sooner or later. And, try not to let this get in the way of your own recovery, because that's definitely extremely important.

*Hugs.* I'm sure things will get better for you guys soon. x





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Re: how do i help my mum? - April 3rd 2009, 03:19 AM

Hey Elle,

Sorry to hear about your grandfather. Losing a loved one is always a difficult thing to deal with and people deal with it in different ways. Each person has their own ways of grieving and for some people it takes a long time while others take little time to grieve. People grieve in different ways. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is your mom's way of dealing with her feelings after losing someone close to her.

It's good that you are trying to help her out and I'm sure when shes feeling more like herself again she'll appreciate it. The only suggestion I have for you is to talk to your Mom about it and help out around the house as much as you can.

Regardless though you have to keep yourself first when it comes to your own recovery. You need to help yourself if you are going to help someone else...

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Re: how do i help my mum? - April 4th 2009, 09:35 AM

hey Elle.

you know one thing, your mom's worried this much because she places her family members in a special place where nothing else comes close . This includes you, dad, and everyone else in her life. And you have to make her know that there's one special thing that not even death can take from her relationship with her dad.

The memories shared with loved ones will last, forever

so you have to let her know that her dad is always watching over her, and guarding her from her heart. He NEVER truly left, and you know it. He is probably lending her his spiritual strength to keep going.

and you know, sometimes people say the weirdest things when they're under a lot of anguish. You know, you could just tell her a little bit how what she says makes you feel, but say you'll forgive her. because to put it this way, she's going through a lot . the most important thing is to be there for her and give her support, and to let her know that her dad is always with her .

and maybe you could do some positive things.. like maybe have her read a good book, or watch a touching movie, that might change her perspective of life, and make everything better for her, and definitely for you as well


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Re: how do i help my mum? - April 4th 2009, 10:10 AM

Hey Elle,
You're mom, and you, must be going through a hell of a time. And I'm sorry. *hugs*
Different people handle things in different ways, and like the posts above, anger towards someone else (in this case, you) is one way for your mum to make herself feel better.
It is very tough to lose family, but things will get better soon.
May I make a suggestion? You can take it or leave it : When your mum is crying, put your arm around her. Don't say anything. Everytime she pushes you away, go back to her. She might start talking slowly about your grandad. Listen to her without saying much. Maybe a nod or a 'hmm' now and again. All your mom pretty much seems want is silent support. Just sit with her. Try it. you've got nothing to lose!
Hope you and your mum feel better!
Take care
Hugs
Natalie


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: how do i help my mum? - April 4th 2009, 05:05 PM

Hey Elle,

I am so sorry to hear about your Grandad. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. Have you spoken to other family members about it. If not then I would have a family meeting without her and really express your feelings about the situation. After you've all discussed things and reached some agreements on what to say then maybe you could all confront your mom together. Try not to be accusatory with your statements and remain call and non-confrontational regardless of her reaction. You might want to suggest she see a grief counselor to deal with how she is feeling right now. Give her some time to bounce back from this. While she may be hard to life with remember that she has suffered a big loss. Everyone deals with grief differently and you can't force them into any one mold of grieving. Don't listen to any unkind thing she says now. She is just under a lot of stress and many times when people are stressing out they take it out on the nearest person. You are in no way responsible for your Grandad's death so don't even think that for a second. If you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you. I hope things get easier for you but it may take some time. Hang in there.

Lots of love <3 Mimi



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Last edited by soul; April 7th 2009 at 07:39 PM.
   
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