Sh,bullied since 8th grade and suicideal thoughts
 

:'(
Today wasn't as bad getting up but still I felt as if every move would shatter my fragile body and crush my soul I still feel as if I'm being beaten and taunted every single movement makes me think of school and home neither place is so great but home is stand-able to be in or around. School was a death trap for me I never wanted to go,cuss each day was worse than before my so called friends stabbed me in my back and the other class mates would make me feel as if suicide was the best thing.
I never felt welcomed in North college hill high school and I never will cuss of the abuse emotionally .
I never would wish what I went through onto someone else because the bullying the teasing the taunting and name calling it lead me to start self harming burning and cutting,starving and restricting myself from food and water , it lead me to not wanting to eat at all it lead me to push my family away it lead me to suicide attempts not even a counselor 4 times a week was helping writing how I felt down into a diary never helped just maid things worse and I still feel like I'm worthless and never will amount to anything I know ill always be worthless in peoples eyes ill never be good enough,perfect enough or anything ill always be the one getting picked on and maid fun of but I don't know if I can do it anymore I just know that I wanna die right this minute.
I know how guys say I'm pretty it's just to get in my pants it's just to cover up who they really are inside just perverts who want to use girls.
I really want to believe I'm beautiful and stuff like that but I know it's not true people In school maid me believe I'm dumb,ugly,fat and much more,I tried dating again and I'm still in the pathetic excuse for a relationship where he just wants sex constantly pressuring me to have sex,I gave in and now I regret it I regret being born I regret not succeeding in committing suicide on 1/19/2010 I regret that the most because I know if I died I would be happy I wouldn't feel all of this pain and unhappiness I would be with my true friends who took their life and my grandmas who died I'd be happy I'd have no pain at all if I was dead I know I would be happy instead I didn't cutt deep enough and kill this monster in me cuss I know ill be used and broken all my life and never be happy I know ill never become anything worth loving or caring about I know ill always be used as a object and tool so ill hopefully die soon one day Im waiting for is soon
ill never amount to anything I try to hide the smell of whiskey and weed
The smell of drugs I try to hide everyday because there the only thing I can go to,to cope with my pain and feelings .i guess god hates me cuss I'm still here on the god forsaking earth he created, I'm in my own purgatory a living hell on earth
I wish that I could just put myself under lock and key so I don't have to feel stupid anymore cuss I know ill always be what everyone hates me for .
I never wanted my life to get this fucked up like before but none seems to care I just wanna die anymore what's the point in being alive anymore.
I don't see a reason to continue life's games that make me always scream inside I'm living in a world so cold that there's no heat or light everything Is dark and cold nothing is beautiful or bright just dark and dull.
I don't know why I am alive still all I know is I'm lost in my own mind.Maybe some day ill get help or not.

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