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Far&Away Offline
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Unhappy What have i done. - April 28th 2014, 08:00 PM

Friday night. Prom night. Baisically i got shitfaced drunk, and i'll spare all the gory details.. but other than my good friend, all my other friends were sober. I then went on to tell ALL MY FRIENDS AND HALF MY CLASS that i had self harmed, attempted suicide, hospitalization etc. Then i made out with my friend. Then i burned another one with a cigarette. (i don't remember any of this) Then i got alcohol poisoning, puked all over my friends mom's BED (they had gotten me home by then) she found out about everything, and oh, btw, you apparently really shouldn't drink when on medication. Apparently everyone knows that now too.
I went to school today. Everyone stared at me, no one talked to me. The freak. The messed up girl. Self harmer. Depressed girl. But i didn't let it show... i apologized to everyone at my table... my best friend (not the one who was drunk) still is pissed. She knew i wasn't supposed to drink because of my medication. But then i apparently "went behind her back" and drank every drop of liqueur there. Yeah, deception was definitly the first thing on my mind when i was drunk out of my head. But it's my fault. And i know that. Then i broke down at lunch. Great. Just show them how fragile you are. One of the girls who hadn't talked to me all day... she hugged. Off to the bathroom to cry. Again. It's funny. I don't cry. Ever. But now my tear ducts start working.
I just feel... empty.
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Re: What have i done. - April 28th 2014, 08:31 PM

Hi there, and to TH!

I'm sorry that you had a rough night. As you mentioned, drinking when on medication isn't safe. A combination of those two or other substances increases the risk of something else happening. It's okay to take off your mask and show how you're feeling. Crying is a good thing as well, it's a great way to release bottled up emotions. You're a human being and you can't help how you feel; you're entitled to show what's going on. You're not a freak, you are someone who is going through a rough patch right now and is struggling to cope in a healthy manner. If your friends look at you differently or don't talk to you then they weren't true friends in the first place and you deserve much better than that.

Do you know what triggers you to self-harm? A good way to identify your triggers is to keep a journal and record your feelings. If there is a pattern to your feelings, these might be a few of your triggers. Once you identify your triggers, working through them will become a lot easier for you. It's best to keep yourself distracted when you feel the need to self-harm. If you want a visual, you can paint with red paint or draw with red marker. If you need a similar sensation, try holding ice! Here is a thread with a lot of alternatives that may be useful for you. Remember that different alternatives work for different people and you have to find what works for you and your needs.

Is there anyone you trust that you can speak to about this? Reaching out might be challenging for you, but it's definitely worth it. You don't deserve to be in such pain and telling someone about this will give you a way to get the help that you need. Here is a page that explains who can help you.

You had a rough night on Friday, you made some mistakes but you also realize that and I'm proud of you for that. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes and those experiences help shape you into a better person. Feel free to send me a message if you need anything.

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Re: What have i done. - May 1st 2014, 07:13 AM

Hey there,

I am sorry that you had such a rough night.

It is really difficult for people to understand these things when they haven't been through it themselves. Understanding Mental Health problems is not possible for someone who hasn't experienced some of their own.

There are people who'd be willing to help you out, like that friend who gave you a hug, which I think was a very good gesture. Sometimes all we need is for someone to give us a tight hug and a shoulder to cry on.

You should definitely confide in someone about what you have been going through. You can let your friends know what they can do to make things easier for you. You can spend time with them, call them up when you are going through a rough situation, ask them to come over or go out for a movie to help to take your mind off things or simply ask them to listen to you.

Have you been talking to a therapist? If not then I strongly suggest that you do. Therapists have been trained to help you out in such situations and can teach you a lot skills that can help you to get better. If a therapist doesn't work out for you, then don't feel disappointed, just try out someone new. They are only humans after all and it can take time to build a bond with someone.

Please feel free to PM me. I promise that I won't judge you.

Stay strong.

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alcohol, bi-polar, broken, bullied, depression, empty, high school, sad, self harm, substance abuse, suicidal, worst day ever, worthless

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