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Peer Pressure and Bullying Social pressure can take many different forms, including intimidation, bullying and even physical attacks. If you feel you could be a victim or perpetrator (who wishes to stop) of bullying, talk about it here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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I think I just became the bully.. - September 27th 2014, 05:12 AM


Okay, so there's this new kid at my school this year. I don't have time to type up the long story that this is, so here are a few things you might need to know about this kid...

-he sits next to me in math class

-he is a VERY devout Christian and talks about God at least once a day

-a girl found out that he thinks i'm cute (wow, what bad taste, amiright?) so i kinda freaked out, like i do whenever i think anyone might like me.

-i'm really sorry, but he has really terrible acne, which is one of my biggest turn offs (i don't mind a pimple or two, but if it's clear that someone doesn't wash their face regularly to at least make an EFFORT, then yeah, no.) everyone says he would actually look okay without the acne, but even then, nope nope nope noep nope. and...i know i sound awfully conceited, but i have a really hard time talking to someone who i suspect might like me, when they're really unattractive to ME. (i'm sorry.)

-if i even help him with a question in class or something stupid like that, he takes it as an invitation to a freaking hour long conversation. liek, no dude, i need to do my work, this is my worst class..

-one day he smelled like really bad B.O. and i was forced to sit through that for the entire class (i think i almost passed out)

-he kept trying to talk to me that day, too.

-for some reason he's really freaking interested in my clothes? he really liked this one shirt i wore with a word written on the chest, and yeah i didn't like that...

So, after that one class, I was really pissed off at him. I had just sat through almost an hour and a half of breathing nothing but armpit sweat, I had gotten absolutely no work done because he wouldn't shut up the entire time, and I just...ugh. I guess it just creeps me out, how interested he is in my clothes. I have caught him staring at my chest and my thighs when I wore shorts, so I just felt really uncomfortable I guess. And I just felt like we were getting WAAAY too close in such a short period of time. It felt really weird to me, and so I pushed him away, like I do with a lot of people.
I also have a pretty bad history of guys like this...(over talkative only to ME, not particularly attractive, sort of emo/depressed, etc.).. because last year, a guy like him actually liked me and asked me out three times. After I told him no, for the third freaking time, he started to pretend he was my boyfriend, and gave me about five gifts and touched me in ways my friends aren't even allowed to. (for example, he grabbed my shoulders and started massaging them, wtf, and then whispered something in my ear in a really creepy tone. that really messed me up, to be honest.)

I have a hard time trusting people like this, I guess? And I just...I don't know, I felt uncomfortable. I panicked.
After class, I went up to two of my friends and we started talking. At a quiet moment in the conversation, I heard my own voice randomly saying something about this guy.
I absentmindedly said, "So, in class, I was bending over, putting my stuff away in my backpack, and the guy was staring at me. So I sat up and asked 'Can i help you??' and he replied, 'ah, no, you've already helped me enough.'"
I honestly have no idea where that all came from. Half of it was true...he was staring at me while I was putting my stuff away, and it made me uncomfortable. I guess i made up that scenario in my head, added the fake dialogue, and told my friends?!?
I didn't even mean to lie to them like that, it just happened. I was bored, I was tired.
I had a really horrible day on Wednesday (I freaking cried in front of people at school, which is something i NEVER do. it was because of some bullies and name-calling, but.. hell, i won't even cry in front of my own mother.) and I felt like I was doing really horrible in my social life.

It felt amazing to tell a story that people would finally listen to and laugh at. Honestly, those two things make me one of the happiest people on earth. A lot of times, when I'm telling a story, everyone blanks out or something interrupts me, because I'm that boring. And a lot of times, nobody laughs at my stupid jokes, which makes me feel like crap.
This lie combined the two, and while it was horrible, I figured that only having two people know about it wouldn't hurt.

But today, in science, the guy came up in a conversation, and I told another friend. Three people knew.
Now, one of my friends is seeing him as a possible crush, and we were all trying to set her up with him.
But at lunch, my friends told me to tell the girl who sort of likes him about what happened to me. Our table had about eleven people at it -- three who already knew. I was stuck, I couldn't stop myself. I need people to listen to me and laugh at me again. You don't understand how much that powers me up with energy...I freaking get my energy from other people's laughter.
So I told the entire table.
Everyone was silent, listening to me.
Everyone laughed or had a reaction at the end of the story.
But I felt immense guilt after it.
Everyone started saying how he was just a pervert and that he "tried to put on the innocent, sad guy look" to cover it up. They were saying he was just pretending to be a loner/outcast, so that nice girls would come up to him and talk to him.
A majority of people said that they thought he was a good person, but now their opinion of him was changing.

and this is all my effing fault.

today, in math class, he didn't say a word to me. i don't know if anyone asked him about what i said, or what. but i feel like utter crap.
i know i sound like a really shitty person right now, but you have to understand that this was an honest mistake. i really don't know where that came from. i've found that i lie without meaning to or even thinking of a lie...i just randomly start lying for the attention that i crave. honestly, i feel like it might be coming from a mental problem, but i'm not sure.

So, here's my dilemma... of course, I feel like crap, and want to make things right.

But if I tell my friends that I was lying... I'll be labeled as a liar, and fall even further down the social ladder. It's happened to people in my group before, and it will happen again. now, whenever this one girl says anything, nobody takes it seriously, because we all suspect that she's lying.
i really couldn't put up with that if that person was me.

If I tell the guy that I lied about him... I'm not really sure what would happen. Honestly, I don't know him all that well. He could be a pervert, he could not, who knows? I just feel bad for him. It's like he chooses to be a sad loner.. and now he might not have a choice anymore, because my friends were the only people who really had the heart to talk to him.
But if I say that I lied about him...only a month into the school year, then he'll probably hate me. I can tell him there's something wrong with me, and do whatever I can, but I have a feeling I'll never get his trust back.
Of course...I'm not sure it's exactly important to me. But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one he feels comfortable talking to. I hate sitting next to him in math, because he either won't shut up, or won't say a thing at all and it'll be awkward. I hate it, and he creeps me out.

but, still...i really don't know.
what do i do now? can this be fixed??
and by fixed, i mean can I save both this poor guy's reputation AND my own, as well??

i'm sorry for being an insult to humanity.
and sorry this was so long.

dear lord, i really hate myself right now.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Lionheart Offline
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Re: I think I just became the bully.. - September 27th 2014, 11:06 AM

Hey there,

Don't hate yourself for what happend.
Yes it was wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect.
The important thing is, that you realice it was wrong and want to get things right again. That's what really is important.
You're not a bad person for making a mistake and I can see where you were coming from. Personaly I think everyone lies from time to time to make their storys interesting and give others a good laugh. I do it and most people I know do it as well so don't feel bad about it. As long as it's not becoming a problem or to impulsive I think it's ok to lie sometimes.

For what you could do, well maybe you could try to talk to this guy. You could tell him what happend and apologize and also take that chance to talk to him about his behaviour as well.
I know it's hard but if you tell him, that his constant talking get's to you and keeps you from concentrating in class then maybe he can change his behaviour. He may not even realice that he is constantly talking. When I was younger I was constantly talking and annoying people without realicing it and never understood why everyone was angry with me until someone pointed it out to me, so you may even do him a favour.
He might be angry with you, but don't let it get to you. You can't please everyone and maybe then it's just for the better, if you don't become friends.
For you friends. Well after you talked with him, maybe you can let them know, that the two of you talked about his comment and tell them that it was a misunderstanding. Maybe you could tell them, that he tried to make a joke and you took it the wrong way. That way you can save his reputation without making your's suffer to much if at all.

I hope you will be able to sort this out soon

It's ok to give in to an urge or make a mistake. You are only human and we all have our flaws. We all have our weak moments and we all make mistakes. Thats what makes us human.
Thats what makes us unique and beautiful

Courage isn't always a loud roar. Sometimes it is a quiet whisper at the end of a day saying: Tomorrow I will try it again!

  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I think I just became the bully.. - September 27th 2014, 04:24 PM

Hi there,

Like what was said above, what's important is that you realize what you did was wrong and you want to try to mend things.

It's understandable to be annoyed especially because you feel as though you can't get your work done. Do you think your teacher would let you change where you sit? It may help if you explain to them that the person who sits next to you is a distraction. If anything, I am sure your teacher will be happy that you care about your education and will be delighted to make the experience better for you.

You said that you think lying may be part of a mental health issue and I think you should think about why it is that you lie. You said you like the attention you get; that you like it when people listen to what you have to say. Perhaps you can try positive things that will gain attention, such as keeping your grades up, volunteering, etc. Do you know of any other reasons that you lie? I think it would help if you write these things down and then make a list of the positives and negatives of lying. That way, you can keep these around to refer to in the future.

As for what to do, you have a few options. Rumors are rumors and eventually, other people will start to talk about other things and the talk of this person will end. I think you should confront this guy and talk to him about a few things and what you say is up to you. I do not condone lying, but you can tell him that you heard about this rumor and assure him that it'll go away eventually and things of that nature. I think it's important for you to talk to him (or someone else) about his behavior so someone is aware that he is making you uncomfortable. There are subtle ways to tell someone that they need to freshen up. For example, you could say that one of your male friends tried a new cologne and he should try it too because he might like it.

And as mentioned above, you could tell your friends that you took it the wrong way or that it was a misunderstanding that you've solved and all is okay. You can also come clean about everything and that is the option I like better.

This seems to be bothering you and if it continues to do so I suggest talking to a teacher or school counselor to talk about the situation and your feelings regarding it.

Take care.

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