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Peer Pressure and Bullying Social pressure can take many different forms, including intimidation, bullying and even physical attacks. If you feel you could be a victim or perpetrator (who wishes to stop) of bullying, talk about it here.

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being called a bully - December 12th 2016, 03:42 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't tell if I'm a bully or not. When someone calls me that, I feel like crumbling down to the floor into ash

I am so scared and this time im just crying in bed for hours when I was called this like almost 12 hours ago. I can't brush it off because I don't know if it is true or not. I don't know what to do with myself


I don't go out of my way to hurt people

I do have alot of anger and can start yelling and crying and it seems more like a meltdown because I feel overwhelmed, unheard and alone.


I used to slam doors, jump up and down, write on the walls. Throw things (mostly clothes and soft items and no one would be around)

And i used to self harm a lot more....

I came such a long way. As a child i wouldnt react in anger so much but ive always cried easily. As a teenager i started getting really angry about things. It was like i suppressed it all these years and it built up. Now im 22. I still feel unheard by family. I still feel alone a lot. But I I thought I improved? I don't know anymore. I am still called a bully.
I'm questioning myself nonstop.


I want to think this is just the latest trend in the family. My family went from calling me psychopath, crazy, loving to fight, monster, bipolar maniac, traumatizer, insensitive, and much more.

This is usually when i try to stand up for myself
Like this morning....I was telling her to stop interrupting me as I'm bringing up a concern to my father. That turned into an argument. And then she left muttering under her breath and saying the part I'm a scary bully who harasses her extra loud.

I want to get over this but I just cant :'(
   
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Re: being called a bully - December 12th 2016, 02:46 PM

You're not a bully. You said yourself that you struggle because you feel unheard. A bully with the same struggles would go out of their way to harm someone else. But you don't do that. You're not that kind of person. You don't intentionally hurt anyone, so you are not a bully. There are a million positive words I could use to describe you and a bully is not one of them.

It seems to me like this is the new word your family is using to describe you. I think they're projecting. They know they're mistreating you but are projecting it onto you so you feel bad for something they're doing. That's manipulative and abusive. When they call you that, maybe you can remind yourself that it is on them and it has nothing to do with you.

I am here for you if you want to talk.


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Re: being called a bully - December 13th 2016, 07:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
You're not a bully. You said yourself that you struggle because you feel unheard. A bully with the same struggles would go out of their way to harm someone else. But you don't do that. You're not that kind of person. You don't intentionally hurt anyone, so you are not a bully. There are a million positive words I could use to describe you and a bully is not one of them.

It seems to me like this is the new word your family is using to describe you. I think they're projecting. They know they're mistreating you but are projecting it onto you so you feel bad for something they're doing. That's manipulative and abusive. When they call you that, maybe you can remind yourself that it is on them and it has nothing to do with you.

I am here for you if you want to talk.
:hug:
Thank you so much Cassado. Things have cooled down with this specific incident so that sister doesn't seem mad at me anymore. I've been overanalyzing this nonstop though. I think I can say that maybe I could have been nicer about it but that I still wasn't bullying? I know I snapped...it is just so hard not to in these conditions. I think of my cat. He is the sweetest little thing but if someone goes from behind and yanks his tail, he is going to get angry.
But is making that analogy excusing myself too much?
Im going to go into more detail about this in a blog but I'm a bit stuck in deciding exactly what to call myself. I also think I have an extreme fear of becoming manipulative. I know people call me nice a lot and they even tease me and say I'm too soft. And because I've been hurt in the past because I was nice and was hurt for that reason. Because I didn't protect myself. And I'm scared I'm going to misunderstand and become a selfish prick instead of the same nice person who also learns to protect herself when necessary.
Not sure if I'm explaining it right or if I'm making sense.

Also the concern I brought up to my father was that, he kept pointing out every little thing he thought I did wrong and I kept just apologizing and doing what he says but then while I was eating he told me to sit straight and reminded me of all the rules. And that's when I brought up the concern. He later explained that he is harder on me than my sistersbbecause he thinks I have potential. That I have the capacity to change whereas 2 of my sisters are really stubborn. And he said my mom's side of the family are all stubborn so that's how my sisters got that. So because they can't change, he let's them slide but he thinks he is doing me a favor by micro managing my every move. And that I "listen"
The way people see me makes me so unsettled sometimes. I've been his "big listener" (what he called meas a praise) for a really long time. One of my therapist had said that being able to listen is a very positive and rare trait to have and the world would be a better place if people listened to each other more. So do I just accept this and not expect to be heard too or do I fight to be heard?
It is hard being the openly receptive person but having no voice. Maybe I ought to look elsewhere for people who reciprocate. But I also fear I will end up talking too much. That when I have the chance to speak, I will not be able to stop.
Having a hard time balancing this. Because seems like anytime I try momentarily breaking out of the "listener role" I get backlash.
But I also can't tell for myself what's happening. I want to say backlash is expected, name calling is expected and keep sight of the bigger picture but I'm so afraid that the moment I move out, I would have been so changed and not myself anymore. That I would be so demirslized that I would be snappy, rude and even a bully.
   
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Re: being called a bully - December 16th 2016, 12:53 PM

You're not excusing yourself too much because you didn't do anything wrong. You said you don't know what to call yourself; what about emotionally intelligent? I read something one time about how people feel like being called sensitive or soft is negative and people who feel that same way can try calling themselves emotionally intelligent or intuitive instead.

Your dad is not doing you any favors by micromanaging because that isn't going to make you change and you don't need to change unless that is something you want to do. He has no right to try and change you. This is your life, not his.

Being able to listen is a positive trait but that doesn't mean you don't deserved to be listened to. It should be a two way street in relationships but it often isn't. I think you should consider finding a friend or someone who will listen to you. I understand the fear of being unable to stop talking but I would see that as a good thing. And, the more you discuss it with people, the more the fear goes away. Because each time you discuss it, you release more of what you need to.

I don't think you'll change and be rude to other people. What happens to people does change them and shape them but that doesn't mean you'll snap at other people. I've talked to you and seen your posts around here and you're a really compassionate person. If anything, you'll probably gain even more compassion from how life has been with your family.


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Re: being called a bully - December 18th 2016, 04:05 PM

thank you again Cassado,

These last few days have been hard. Because after the initial incident of being called a bully, that same sister told me I'm "trying to traumatize everyone" and when I told her saying I traumatized someone wasn't true or fair to say she said, "fine, you're trying to make everyone miserable"
I then told her that I didnt do anything to traumatize anyone and that it wasn't okay to blame me for something so big when my actions dont reflect it.
She said "sheesh, it's just a joke. Didnt think you'd take it so seriously"
I told her it isnt funny to joke about trauma. She said 'fine I wont talk to you if you cant handle a joke"
This is exactly what my dad had done to me in the past. She is repeating this. Whatever it's called. It's so familiar. I started crying and saying "this is what I told you other people do and you agreed it was wrong and now you're also doing it"
She then dismissed me by saying "I dont know what you're saying"
She knows I struggle with my speech, my articulation, my lisp, and the fast pace when I am overwhelmed. Instead of hearing what I said, she brushed me off as something too incomprehensible to deserve to be listened to. I felt so shut out and alone.

And the the bigger incident came after, that led me to crying for 12+ hours. It had to do with feeling too sick to go to the airport lost and found because my father had left something there that he asked someone at home to get it back while he's away.
At first I was gonna go but I couldnt go all the way to the airport AND prepare food, clean and do house chores and do grocery shopping and feed my cat so I asked if my older sister can help as my other sister had a final exam that day and would commute to school soon. She agreed to do the grocery shopping but refused to feed my cat or do dishes or anything else. I was also feeling sick so I decided how about we switch, she can go to the airport and I can stay home and do all the chores at my own pace and rest when needed. She agreed to this and I went outside to get food for my cat and do grocery shopping. Time went on throughout the whole day and she still did not go yet. She kept saying she'd go in an hour, in half an hour etc. Then she came up to me and said she was tired and wanted to take a nap and would go in an hour. I got upset because she was postponing it all day. It turned into an argument. I definitely expressed to her that this was urgent but she kept saying she I never told her it was urgent and important that she'd go that day. I cried so much and told her she lied and she's doing what she always does which is that she gets agitated at the person who requested her to do something at something minor and then uses that as an excuse not to keep her word. So because I got upset that she wants an hour longer, and because it dragged on into an argument she decided that she didnt have to keep her word.
She also kept mocking the way I speak. I know I have a speech problem that gets worst when I'm upset. She knows I have a problem and she knows I'm insecure and instead of allowing me to speak she was competing with me and then told me I yell to much and didnt know what I was saying. She made an impression of how I speak and I got so angry at her for playing with my insecurities like that. The fact that I was telling her I'm upset that she postponed it for so long, and I kept my end of the deal of going out to the grocery store and doing everything else. And she decides to make fun of my speech patterns? Anyway I ended up getting so angry that now it's all fragments and I remember saying "I hate you" and other things I regret. I then apologized. I also tried to explain that I was in a lot of pain for me to react that way.

I apologized for snapping and yelling at her. I said things I regret during a meltdown-anger outburst.
She didnt forgive me. She dismissed me and basically made me out to be this person who has meltdowns over nothing and mystified my anger as something no one can understand for find a reasonable explanation for and there's just no possible way it can make sense to have one. Because according to her all she did was "was a simple question" and then she made these sarcastic remarks like "#foreverlost" and "How does a simple and reasonable question cause you so much pain????"
She also said I never told her what i had asked her to do was important. Even though I remember telling her it was but that I couldnt go because I wasnt feeling well and that I would do the grocery shopping and cooking instead. Which I already started doing. So I did my end of the agreement and she didnt keep her word but then cant understand why I'm upset....
Then today she tried to bring it up again and I wasnt ready to sit there and defend my emotions. I'm tired of explaining to her how she hurt me. She said herself that she wasn't and isnt upset. This whole thing seemed like a fun game to her while I was devastated.


My other sister has been name-calling me but to a less extent. They're having their little clique though. She called me spoiled and greedy and she said I imagined things.

When I was making a list of grocery items to buy, I was tapping on the table because it's a thing I do to help me think when something is on the tip of my tongue. I was saying "what was the last thing I need (tap tap tap)" she told me "stop tapping, you're so spoiled"
I told her how is that spoiled?
She said because when people order others they tap on the table....I'm pretty sure she got that from a movie or something someone else does because never IN MY LIFE did I tap on the table to tell someone hurry up and do something. Unless it was to do an impression of a tv show. I thought she out of everyone would know me by now?
I made a joke and said "look at you with your silk robe, telling me I'm spoiled" She smiled at that but then I was tapping again and she shouted "stoppppp you're making me nervous. Stop it!"
I wish this whole "you're so spoiled" thing could have just been a simple "hey, can you please stop doing that, I feel nervous from that noise" I would have understood better but she went and called me spoiled so I didnt know she was secretly feeling nervous from it and decided to call it something else.

If anything, she can leave the room if she's feeling nervous? Not as a kicking her out kind of way but it's not bad to step out when someone is stressed. It's a good thing actually to know your limits. I would have finished writing the list in a few seconds and this whole thing could have been prevented.
I mean, I could have also left, yeah, take my list with me, find another table to use and tap in that new place but if she's the one feeling nervous and not using the space, why do I have to stop at her wishes. While she puts the blame on me that I somehow should have known that tapping makes me both spoiled and hurts others by making them nervous but that I decided to tap anyway to purposely bother her? The way she spoke to me was rude and I did stop when she asked. But she only asked me to stop once, and I couldnt have stopped before she told me to. Also, if this was an issue all alone I would know to not do it in front of her. But she never brought up this concern to me and I tap my fingers all the time.
Then she called me greedy because....I got a letter and was excited because I never get mail anymore. And I opened it up and it was a christmas card from a blogger that I follow. My sister asked me what it was and I told her and she said "that's so stupid" and later on "that's so dumb"
I told her it wasn't dumb. That I never get mail, let alone a seasonal greeting card. I told her that the letter read that the blogger will send me an e-book thing through my email. My sister laughed and said "probably something no one wants anyway"
I snapped and told her "at least she's giving me something. It's nice of her to have sent that to me. I don't see you giving me any card or present so stop insulting me."

She then said "you're so greedy. why would I give you a present?"

I then told her I didnt like how she insults me. She said "because you're being mean"

It's the same thing my dad does. If I tell him my sister hurt me, he'd say "well when you stop bothering her, she'll stop hurting you. I'm sure she's reasonable. You choose how you want to be treated. It's up to you"

I don't mind being called sensitive and soft. I just dont want to be pushed and shoved and then be told "ewwww, nice people are so boring" (what my sisters have told me because besides for calling me bully and traumatize etc they also call me "too nice and boring") meanwhile they're using up all my nice-ness energy on themselves. Then I snap and they're all like "woahh so mean"

It's a disaster. I'm tired. I'm tired of this whole thing. I'm tired of having no boots to go outside with and yet being forced to do all the chores both indoors and outdoors.
   
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Re: being called a bully - December 19th 2016, 10:24 PM

Update: my sister and I are on better terms now. We talked things through. She told me she is a simple person and had good intentions the entire time. Well for each situation she clarified her intentions. Strange how my reality was so different and she can explain it all in hindsight. I feel stupid because my brain couldn't figure things out on its own.

My younger sister too. We didn't talk about the whole calling me greedy and spoiled but we are on better terms now
   
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