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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lunar Offline
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I don't understand this? - February 12th 2018, 05:33 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I put this here because honestly, I'm not really sure where else it would go, I also labeled it as triggering, because it may trigger someone, and I wouldn't want that.

The other day I was in a mom group at the library. We meet every two weeks so our littles can play and we can talk. This is only my second time meeting with these Mums so I don't really know them that well. Anyway, I try to stay away from talking politics or religion, or any other social topic that can cause trouble (if you get what I mean) but they asked me what I do for a living. So I told them the truth. I'm a homemaker. (That's what my Gram always called it.) Ya know, I stay home, take care of the kids, the husband, the home. I clean, cook, teach the kids, care for my husband when he comes home. I love it! I love spending time with my kids, and I love being able to pamper my husband when he gets home from work. He really does work so hard for us, and I feel like it's my way of showing that I'm thankful for him and all he does.

Well, the Mums in the group didn't like that. They acted almost offended? I don't really consider myself a feminist? I mean, to be honest, I'm not very educated on the topic, and not exactly sure what there is to go on about. That being said, It's alright with me if someone else considers themselves to be, because it doesn't effect my life or the way I do things.

Anyway, they tried to tell me I was 'crazy' and 'dated' That Mums don't have to sit at home while their husband work anymore, and that my husband could do just fine cooking his own mean or eating a sandwich if he was hungry enough. They also tried to blame it on my religion. They said that it's my church's fault I believe what I do (which actually isn't true at all. I know lots of Dad's at my church who stay home while their wife's work.) Anyway, I had no idea how to respond. They kept going on and on about it. But they refused to listen to the fact that I was happy (truly happy) doing what I was doing and being where I was being. I mean, growing up, my gram was the homemaker, and that's what I've been around my whole life. It's where I belong.

I'm just not sure why they acted this way or why it's a big deal? It's frustrating me. I don't think I'll be joining that group again...
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Re: I don't understand this? - February 13th 2018, 01:51 PM

Sorry to hear about your experiences with the other mums at the group. I think sometimes people have their own ideas as to how life 'should' be lived and anyone who differs from that, may be met with hostility, like you have found out. It definitely doesn't make what you do with your life wrong at all, but it shows that these mums may not be as open minded.

I don't identify as a feminist though I do believe men and women should be treated equally. I guess the problem may come from the fact that some people see how oppressed women have been- that they couldn't get a job and were expected to be home makers, and how far women have come since then and don't understand that actually some people choose and are happy to be homemakers.

Live and let live, I say. If you are happy with your life, then you don't need anyone to tell you otherwise

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Re: I don't understand this? - February 13th 2018, 02:41 PM

Thank you.
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Re: I don't understand this? - February 13th 2018, 07:22 PM

Hey there,

It is unfortunate that you've had this experience. I do think that there are a lot of people who hold misconceptions about being a stay at home parent such as the person being forced to do so, the person not being happy etc. However, there are plenty of stay at home parents who are happy and where there isn't any type of power imbalance. I do think the misconceptions come from the things people have heard from stay at home mom's of the past but I know that not every stay at home mom has that experience. The behavior they have displayed is not acceptable and it is sad they chose not to listen to what you had to say.

I have a family member and two friend's who are and they have made the decision to do so for a number of reasons. I know for a lot of people staying at home saves more money than it would cost to put their kids in daycare. I know the people in my life chose to become stay at home parents for a number of reasons and they are happy.

I hope that you are able to find a mom group that is more accepting. I am sure there are some out there.

Best regards.

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Re: I don't understand this? - February 13th 2018, 11:31 PM

I haven't read the other replies so hopefully I don't seem repetitive but there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent. Someone I am very close to is a stay at home parent with a special needs child and has received a lot of negativity due to this.

There is no should with how anyone can live their lives and if staying at home works for you and your family, and you're happy with it, that is all that matters. It seems like a good idea to stay away from that group; they don't seem supportive or beneficial to your health.

Keep hanging in there! Don't let people make you think you're anything less than amazing.

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Re: I don't understand this? - February 14th 2018, 01:13 AM

Hey there,

I am pretty well researched on the subject of homeschooling and I have experience working as an early childhood educator, and I think that different approaches in education work for different families. If I can give parents advice on this, I'd tell them, whether you choose public school, homeschool, charter, democratic, alternative, online program....whatever it is. Make sure you are in your child's life. And to me it sounds like you truly are. Which I admire, greatly.
I am a big advocate on families thinking about their priorities, values, needs and doing what's right for them. I am an advocate for parents to be thoughtful in their decisions and consider their children's well being and other factors. It sounds like you've made a well-informed decision. Also something I admire greatly.

A lot of people out their have opinions that they preach is in the name of feminism, in the name of social justice, peace, equality. But if you use your ideology to shame someone, it does not matter anymore what you claimed it to be in the name of. Shaming someone who is different doesn't help anyone involved. I am terribly sorry you had to go through that.

The world needs misfits, rebels, sensitives, people who see the world differently. The world needs thinkers and feelers. We are the ones that make things happen in the world. We are the ones that trailblaze. Close-minded people will stay stuck in their ways and it is their loss. They miss out on what could have been friendship, what could have been a positive conversation, what could have been an interesting learning experience for them. They will continue to see the world as gray, dull, miserable. And the ones who dare to live to way that lights up their soul will be the ones who see the world in color and beauty and get the most out of life. It can feel like a curse because there's loneliness in being around people who don't get you, but it is also a gift. And if you find the right people; mothers who lift each other up, who support each other, who have a sense of togetherness, this can be so powerful and affirming, that your kids will notice. It is so good that you know what you want, and you're working on living more aligned to what you believe in.

Even in the homeschooling community, there are a wide spectrum that goes from radical unschooling to school-at-home and everything in between. If you're familiar with all the labels, it can help navigate but some people can really get into arguments over which is better and all that. It is not just the school mothers who shame others, unfortunately.

Keep going, keep holding on. Maybe there are "eclectic" homeschooling groups that you can find. They tend to be more understanding. Plus, there tends to be a diverse crowd that show up. These are all the homeschooling misfits who've been rejected from other homeschooling communities (not christian enough, not school-y enough, not unschooly enough) and what's great is that some of these families have a mixture of some of their kids going to school and some of their kids being homeschooled. This means, that parents are more likely to be accepting of both rather than one or the other. Some families give their kids a choice to go to school and that can mean their kids choose to go to school one year and then be homeschooled another year. Some families have kids with special needs and depending on what it is, they may either find homeschooling or going to school more helpful. Another key word can be "relaxed homeschooling" to look into as well. I hope you find a place that both you and your kids can feel safe and belonging in. Best of luck and feel free to drop me a vm/pm if you wish. I consider myself pretty knowledable despite me having been to school since I was 6 years old.
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