Triggering: So much anxiety

[Spirit.]

Hi,

So it's been a while since I've even thought of talking to someone about things that have been happening with me. I'm sorry if this is long.

Let me start from the beginning. A year and a half ago (28th May, 2015 IST), I lost my father. He suffered a massive heart attack and there was nothing anyone could have done. He had just made it out the front door before he collapsed. This was sometime around 2am in India. Only my mum and brother were there and they'd alerted my neighbors who were just coming out to help when it happened. I wasn't there. I was in London doing my Master's course. I had received a call around 10pm and well, everything that happened after, I have exceptionally vivid memory of. Just everything. Fortunately, I had family living in London and my cousin came to get me to spend the night at her place.

I couldn't be there for his funeral either. I didn't get tickets and more importantly, I wasn't willing to allow my mum and brother to wait for me to get back and sleep in their rooms while dad was in an ice box in the drawing room. So I insisted they have the funeral without me. In India, we have a period of mourning and a series of rituals during the mourning period. I had gotten back about 2 days after, on the 31st of May I think. I genuinely don't remember. I didn't meet anyone who came to visit, except a couple of friends. After all the rituals were complete, the only friend I wanted to meet was my now boyfriend. He was always so supportive then. He had just come back from another city, back home, too, after getting done with his course. He visited me a lot and took me outside and invited me to his place and made a hell of an effort to help me feel better. He never asked me about dad and waited until I was ready to talk about it. We had gone on a short trip with his brother and friend, during which I had spoken to him about dad.

We had come back and it was a little while after that we got together. More than just always being the person I was comfortable with, I never had to pretend to be anyone else with him and I truly couldn't have been happier to be with him, and still feel that way. After about 5 or 6 months - I had taken an extension from uni to finish up my course from home (my dissertation) - when I had completed my course, I was suddenly quite lost and started to feel excessive amounts of depression and at some point of time, while I was talking to him in the middle of the night, I had a panic attack. Since then, I've been experiencing anxiety. He was absolutely gracious about it and took more effort than necessary to help me. I should also mention that he was studying and still is, to become a civil servant and it's an incredibly difficult exam here. When he hadn't gotten through the prelims on his first try, it really made a big impact on him and he wasn't doing well. What with the anxiety I was going through and what he was, it was very difficult to talk about everything. I blamed myself a lot for distracting him and making it hard for him to study and concentrate because of my anxiety - how much I needed him, my being dependent on him, etc.

in October, he had told me he had to move to Delhi, to study, as it would help him study better as he had more access to study material there and less distractions and such. At that time, I didn't know, but my anxiety just became worse because I suddenly felt so far away from him. I didn't know that all it was, was that I would miss him being around. On top of that, he was going through his own dilemma. more than that, he had to put his dog down, mid-december and that really took a toll on him. After he moved to Delhi, beginning of Jan, we haven't had the time to talk, we haven't been able to communicate.

While we were going through all this trouble, last year, he was talking to me and told me not to constantly cry and be emotional because it was starting to make him anxious and he was already having it tough and he was saying he didn't know how he was feeling about me and whether we should be together, etc. I had spoken to him before we left and he told me that he still loved me that he wants us to be together, but I've just been so worried about talking to him, thinking that anything I say could upset him and he's been so aloof. He then told me he felt really out of place there and kind of alone. I told him that no matter what I'm there for him and I apologised for making him feel bad about everything, but that he was really important to me and his studies too. We've been making progress and things have been getting better. But this week, my anxiety has been off the charts. I've been getting so much better - anxiety wise, over the past couple of months, but I don't know what happened this week that it came back mild and today, I almost put myself in a lot of danger on the road, while I was riding. I don't know how to handle this, whether I can still talk to my boyfriend about me being anxious or just generally, try and fix all of this. I don't want to overwhelm him or give him reason to worry when he's so far away.

It's just that I still feel so unsure how he feels about me and whether he still wants me around and everything else. I tell him a few things every now and again, but we haven't had much time to talk because he's trying to get into a study schedule which hasn't been working the way he wants and he's still adjusting to everything. I don't know how to handle this situation. And I don't know how to talk about this to him. I don't want this to affect him, but I really need to talk to him. I also know he hasn't been doing that great but he doesn't feel like talking about it and I'm okay with it, but really worried. I care about him a great deal and I know he does about me, too. I just feel so anxious about whether he will continue to, because he's family. and I don't have it in me to deal with losing him, especially having lost dad. My family has been everything to me and losing dad really pushed me to a point where can't bear the thought of losing anyone else, when my small family is my whole world and more.

Edit: I spoke to him and he said that I could tell him anything without apprehension, but I'm finding it hard to get the words out. I'm really scared. I don't want to ruin everything

Hi, Kav!

There is absolutely no need to apologize for it being long; it helps us understand the full story, and hopefully offer better, more in-depth advice and support. I haven't heard from you often recently, so I'm really glad you decided to open up and post a thread talking about this. I imagine things have been much harder dealing with it alone.

I know I said this back in 2015, but I want to say it again - I am sincerely sorry that you lost your father. I can't imagine losing my mom or dad. You had very understandable reasons for not being there. You had no idea that was going to happen. You mentioned you had vivid memory of the night? I just wanted to reassure you that you can talk more about it if you wish, because it must be on your mind. Only if you feel like it's okay to go into and as if it'd help you, though. I'm sorry you weren't able to attend his funeral either. That was strong of you to insist they have the funeral without you. I imagine you wanted to be there, but instead you took your mom and your brother's feelings into consideration. Regardless of it all, I believe he knew and still knows you loved and still do love him. I bet he's proud of you being so dedicated to college and for being an incredibly sweet human being.

Considering all of the feelings you must have been experiencing, I am extremely glad you had your friend (who is now your boyfriend! So excited and happy for you!) there to comfort you and just ensure you were not alone through this. It sounds like he is extremely supportive which is what you deserve, especially when you were going through a loss. He seems quite patient too, which is always good so you don't feel pressured into talking about anything. I'm glad you have such a gentleman of a boyfriend whom you feel this happy and comfortable with; you deserve that, Kav.

When you completed your course at home, were you able to identify what caused your depression and the feeling as if you're lost in a sense? Do you think it could have been feelings about your dad coming to the surface since you went back home? I'm sorry you are struggling with anxiety. Honestly, talking to your boyfriend was the right move in my opinion. It's unhealthy for both parties to be 100% dependent on one another, but it's important in relationships to be able to lean on each other for support when struggling. You did great by recognizing when it was time to seek support from someone rather than go it alone.

With the loss of your dad only 2 years ago, and then having your boyfriend move far away, I completely understand why you'd feel so much anxiety. Especially since he's been there with you all this time and you'd gotten used to that. I'm sorry he had to put his dog down. I imagine you helped in with that in ways you aren't aware of.

It sounds like he is stressed out with studying, and it's making it difficult for him to balance relationships. I think it's a very good sign you two have communicated since then, sharing feelings and such. He must be having a difficult time too feeling out of place. I think when he mentioned he felt alone, he was likely missing you too. I also think it's sweet how you reassured him you'd be there for him no matter what. I bet that helped him feel better knowing he has support from his lovely girlfriend. I am sorry you're still struggling with your anxiety a lot though. Since you are worried about your relationship, and are struggling with anxiety, is it possible to see a therapist? Therapy may really help you find healthy coping mechanisms for your anxiety and give you another source of support which could be good for you.

I can understand your confusion about whether or not it's okay to talk to your boyfriend. I think it's great you spoke to him, and even sweeter that he reassured you that you could talk to him and tell him anything. Considering the difficulties you two had with both of you struggling, I think it was good you talked to him. Anytime things come up like this, communication is very important. Perhaps you could speak to him again and ask him how studying is going, and ask how he is feeling lately. When he mentioned being anxious he may have been feeling a lack of support and down to his knees in stress from studying - not because of you, directly, you know? He may have said that in the heat of the moment not realizing how it'd make you feel.

Don't forget that it's okay to cry. Crying is a healthy way to release emotions rather than keep it locked inside. Finding more outlets would be a good idea too such as journaling, blogging, creative outlets etc. And as we always will be; we are here for you. You can message me anytime, okay? You're a sweet girl and deserve support. Always remember that your boyfriend loves you and so do we. We'll always be here for you, and it's okay to reach out.

Hope this made sense and helped, and I sincerely hope things improve for you and your boyfriend. Take care, Kav.