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Anxiety This forum is for seeking advice on anxiety and stress related issues.

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my panicking is affecting my whole life now :( - November 9th 2013, 09:20 AM

so as the title says, i panic about everything but it's always linked to socialness in one way or another and it's affecting how often i talk to people, how i act at work and now my grades at college

I've always been shy because of a stutter i had as a kid, so i figured if i didn't speak the other kids wouldn't have anything to copy of me and i wouldn't be laughed at any more. Thankfully my stutter is now a lot less obvious but over the past year I've been finding it hard to speak in general, like my words are trapped and i can't get them out. I think this is what started my shyness and a little panicking as a kid.

when i was 16 and started college i became a lot more aware and probably paranoid of what people thought of me because i didn't know anyone and i couldn't work out who I fitted in with. I kept myself to myself because i realised that if i didn't make friends, there was nobody to hurt me. Within a few months I'd convinced myself that everyone hates me and thinks all this negative stuff about me and they probably laugh about me when I'm not around, ect. There is no proof of this being their actual thoughts but i believed it so strongly. Bearing in mind that i was depressed all this time and constantly felt suicidal, these thoughts didn't help. I turned to self harm and it helped. It was like the action of dying without actually dying. I felt like i was punishing myself for these bad thoughts that i convinced other people had of me.

i still have that and do it.

i was avoiding people all the time because i didn't want to be judged or hurt. I became scared of these judgements and so scared of certain people. I was always scared of parties because of the amount of people but now i can't deal with more than eight people in a group at a time, and i can't contribute when there are more than four people around. I fear people's judgements so much i stay quiet and go whole days at college without saying a word. If i answered a question and got the answer wrong I'd feel like i was going to die. I was sure that everybody would think that I'm stupid and bottom of the class. Presentations are worse because i feel sick, dizzy and can't breathe well as well as the normal stuff i mentioned.

it's now affecting my grades because i panick about what my teacher thinks of me and my work and my mind goes blank in these assignments and i write all gobbledegook on the page. Yesterday i was videos by my teacher un an assessment (evidence purposes) for a recording (i study music tech) and i was panicking about my teachers judgments as well as my bass player, assistant and whoever views the video for evidencial purposes. I got a lower mark than i wanted because i panicked and forgot important things to consider.

it's just getting out of hand and i do want help from a counsiller or therapist or whatever but I'm even scared of what THEY will think of me. I also don't want the help because they'll find out about my sh, suicidal thoughts and depression and surely all those things go on a record that future employers and universities can see. I know i already have a job but this is one to put me on until university has ended. If i have bad things on my record, how am i meant to get another job?

my mum used to be on anti-depressants and my dad has been depressed for many years but he told me he would never take anti-depressants because it goes on a record which will make it more difficult to get a job.

i need help because it's only getting worse as i find it hard to answer the door and phone now -.- but i can't get help because of this record and what the person helping me will think. It's such a difficult decision. Someone please help me

Last edited by PSY; November 13th 2013 at 02:37 AM. Reason: Moved thread to the Anxiety subforum.
   
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Re: my panicking is affecting my whole life now :( - November 9th 2013, 11:39 PM

Hey there,
I have a lot of those problems actually. My face will get noticeably red, and my hands will get real cold. I think I have social anxiety and I worry how people think of me to. I'm really sorry your having these thoughts and feelings! I suggest talking to a Therapist, because I had one once and she was very kind, they don't judge you. They're here for you to listen and observe. I actually felt calm with her, you just need to get the right one. I really wish I had more to say... I hope you start feeling better!
   
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Re: my panicking is affecting my whole life now :( - November 10th 2013, 03:29 AM

Try rubbing in circles right under your eyes or thumping your chest bone like tarzan. These always seem to help me during anxiety attacks.



❣"You think you want to die but in reality you just want to be saved."❣



   
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Re: my panicking is affecting my whole life now :( - November 12th 2013, 08:06 AM

This sounds really intense, and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I had very similar super intense phobias of being judged as you do when I was younger. I went to see a counselor and it seriously helped. If you can at least push yourself past the anxiety of the counselor then perhaps you will be okay. Also, try your best to stop say negative things about yourself, it will make a large impact on your emotional well being if you stop.

I've never heard of counselors or meds going on work records, that is really confusing to me. I don't know where you live but I would look that up because I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen.


"If you touch a spider web anywhere, you set the whole thing trembling. . . . As we move around this world and as we act with kindness, perhaps, or with indifference, or with hostility toward the people we meet, we too are setting the great spider web a-tremble. The life that I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place and time my touch will be felt. Our lives are linked. No person is an island."
   
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