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Anxiety This forum is for seeking advice on anxiety and stress related issues.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Getting to much - May 21st 2017, 09:18 PM

My anxiety is getting to be so bad. I had anxiety for about 4 years then it seemed to have got better. Then it got worse. I permanently think everyone hates me and I'm pushing people away. I belong to a fabulous drama group that I love but I'm thinking of quitting cos I'm sure they all must have me. Same with my college mates. Why would they like me. I'm rubbish, im not a good friend, they can all do better. I may as well leave drama, not go to college and just keep away from people forever. No one needs me. There's no place for me in the group. I'm just a waste of space, and I've just had enough. All today I've wanted to self harm and wish I would. Been trying not to but it's been hard. I've messaged a lot of people saying I don't want to see them, and loads of other stuff. Soon they'll leave me alone. Soon they'll go away. I've said sorry to some of them cos I felt mean, but I told some of them to go away. I deserve to be alone, no one would want to deal with someone who keeps telling people they don't like her. I can be replaced. There's someone better than me. Someone who won't say 'you must hate me, why do you still talk' someone who won't push them away. I give up. I wish there was a escape. Please help. What's it even like to live life without anxiety?


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Re: Getting to much - May 23rd 2017, 04:21 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that your anxiety is getting out of hand at the moment. It's a horrible feeling when things seem to go well, and yet deep down, you just feel that you aren't good enough, your friends don't need/want you and you can be replaced. And then when we act on these feelings by pushing people away, we tend to feel worse. It really does ruin things, doesn't it?

I know this is hard when you are running high on anxiety, but it's best to step back before making decisions like quitting the drama group. You love the group, and it sounds like wanting to quit is coming from a place of anxiety (not feeling good enough or a good enough friend) rather than based on facts. It's easy to get caught up in emotions and thoughts rather than realising that your friends are your friends because they like you for who you are (even if that's difficult for you to see) and that if you love the drama group, then it's unlikely that everyone there hates you.

You are not a waste of space, but I do understand how confusing this anxiety cycle must be for you. You are not your anxiety though. You may feel all sorts of feelings because you don't feel good enough and want to push others away, but the people who care will know that this isn't you, and instead it's the anxiety talking. You don't deserve to be alone and while some people may not understand why you feel so bad about yourself, it doesn't mean that they won't stick by you either or that you don't deserve friends at all.

You are also irreplaceable. I'm really glad that you have resisted the urge to self-harm- that must've taken a lot of strength! I am wondering though whether there is something that has triggered you into feeling this way? Or whether you are having any help for dealing with anxiety? I can't say what a life without anxiety is like, but if you were able to have a relatively anxiety-free period, then I'm sure you can get to that point again.


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Re: Getting to much - May 23rd 2017, 06:21 PM

I'm sorry your anxiety is bad, there's always going to be times when it gets worse, then better, then worse again. It's a life-long struggle, and as long as you continue to get the appropriate help you need, it can be managed. Right now, I think it's important to take a step back and evaluate your thinking with a clear mind. Do you really want to quit the drama group and college? What will that do for you? Will it make you happier? Will being isolated make you happier? Or will it make things worse? Will it make your anxiety unbearable?

Personally, I thinking being involved in the drama group and college will help keep you distracted. Sure, they can get stressful, but you will be doing things and be surrounded by people who can take your mind off the anxiety and the thoughts, even if it's just for half an hour. It gives you a whole new perspective on things and guess what, you're making yourself useful! You are not a waste, you are not worthless and, as Holly said, you are irreplaceable. There is only one of you in the world so please treat yourself with kindness.

I am glad you didn't self-harm and are continue to resist the urge. Again, I think being in the drama group and college will help keep those urges and the action of self-harming at bay. Are you seeing a counselor right now? Maybe you could reach out to a trusted adult or a doctor and see about getting one. You should not have to go through this alone and, remember, we are here as well if you ever need to reach out to us again.
   
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