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Anxiety This forum is for seeking advice on anxiety and stress related issues.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy The Final Count Down.... - July 2nd 2011, 09:01 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(I honestly don't know if I chose the Correct Category for this Thread, so Mods., feel free to move this thread if you see fit.)

Oh, where to begin? *Sigh* I've been doing well lately (except for the Random short bouts of depression every-now-and-then), but over the last few days reality has really caught up on me & these feelings of Anxiety, Depression, and Fear are starting to set in.

You see, to make a long Story short:
There was an "incident" that occurred almost two years that resulted in my mother having a nervous breakdown (and I having an Emotional Breakdown) & she was hospitalized in a Mental Health Center/Hospital (think that's what they're called)
for about a month (for the 2nd time in 2 years). She was then diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder while she was there.

Anyway, because of the "incident" we were kicked out our of place and had to move. Somewhere along the line C.P.S. (Child Protective Services) stepped into our lives for the 3rd time in my lifetime.

I honestly can't remember the majority of the stuff that has happened over the past 2 years except for this: After about a year I was moved to my Grandmother's house. My 2 little Brother's have been tossed around a bit between Foster Homes. My Father split from my Mother for awhile, opting to move to a nearby City in a New Apartment, leaving my Mother to sleep in her car. After a few months he couldn't afford the place, though, so he ended up sleeping in his car for a few months, before his car was confiscated & he was then forced to reunite with my Mother.

Anyway, they got an Apartment about a Month ago, but the clock is REALLY ticking & I'm becoming worried. My little Brother (the 8-year-old) is beginning to act up. He's unpredictable;One second he can be really chatty & Semi-Happy, the next he's screaming & crying and telling everyone that he Hates them. Most of my family fears that he has Bipolar, too. I strongly believe this, but it's too soon to be certain. I just worry about him so much. I yearn to see his smiling Face again....I'd take a thousand of his Punches if I could only see him be Happy....

On top of this, my Parents only have 2 more months to prove to the Courts that they are Capable and ready to take care of their children.... I don't have much Hope.

I like to pretend that everything will be okay, that one day we'll all be together, again. But I look around me and I know, oh God, I Know, that this will not be the case. My family is going to split apart. My Brothers will be taken away, adopted by some Family that I know nothing about. My Father will leave. My Mother will be Homeless & I can do nothing to help her....

The Fantasy World I have hid in for Years is beginning to Shatter, break. Reality....Is setting in, and It's far to painful to bear. Nothing is going to Change, I can't go back. In about 2 Months, my Life will never be the same....

I wish I could be in control of the situation. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go forward. I wish I could Forget. I wish, I wish, I wish....How pathetic do I sound, so full of Self-Pity? But in all honesty, it's not me that I'm so worried about. It's my Family.

I have a place in my Grandmother's home no matter what. But what of my Brothers, my Mother, My Father? What will happen to them? Where will they go? What will this do to their Minds, their Hearts, their Souls?

My biggest Fear in life is that I will have to witness those I care about being Hurt (possibly even Dying) and I won't be able to do anything to help them.

What if I have to face this fear? What if I never see my Brothers again? What if my Father leaves & doesn't come back? What if my Mother suffers another Breakdown? What if I Break down? What if I forget the Memories? What if I forget the Happy Voices, Faces?

A thousand thoughts are weaving a deadly path through my brain. I can only see a negative outcome.

I am sickened with worry, though I don't show it. I can't....

I tell myself, "You have to stay Strong! You have to be prepared to pick up the Pieces every time something Falls Apart," but....

Right now, My stomach hurts, my heart aches. I need a hug. I need to cry. I need help....

But I'm in Denial;A Denial that is starting to eat away at my nerves and even my Very Soul. How did this happen? Why?

With a Troubled mind & a Heavy heart, I ask you this:

How do I cope if what I fear comes True? Is there any Hope? And if so, how do I be Hopeful? What can stop these terrible Feelings?

Please....Help....


~Hate me for letting you Destroy Paradise,
or Love me 'cuz I stayed at your Side~


~Just remember that this life was not my choice;
you were the one who sealed my lips so I would have no Voice~


(I did not make the Sig. or Icon! I found the Icon Here & the Siggie Here.)
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The Final Count Down.... - July 2nd 2011, 09:18 AM

I can't imagine what your going through right now... it sounds like every persons worst nightmare to lose the people you love the most through something so miniscule i imagine.
Theres nothing I can say that can make it all better...
But you mentioned you always think of the negative outcome... meaning your feeling negative all the time... whereas if you start thinking of the positive outcomes it will help eventually, though i know there's not a lot of time left... you need to be strong, very strong... if worst comes to worst which i pray will never happen, if you put a lot of effort into it im sure you will find everyone again when your older.
there are a lot of people on this site to talk to, so if you get down they will help pick your spirits up
I pray for you, though im not religious, but I just hope things pick up for you... and you do need a hug, I wish i could give you a real one... but i hope this emote will help a little
Be Happy
<3


Been to Hell and Back
But always here to help



   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The Final Count Down.... - July 2nd 2011, 10:20 AM

It's just a Nightmare. An absolute Nightmare. I'm so confused about how it even came to this!
And I know that there's really nothing anyone can say to make it all better. It just helps sometimes to just....well, vent to someone who's willing to listen. Honestly, even with one Reply I feel slightly better. I just need a bit of Comfort right now;something to show that the World isn't completely against me.... Thanks so much for the Reply. Really, you don't know how much it means to me....

And I know that I need to start thinking more positively. It's just....so very difficult to do. I have a weird sense of "Optimism", you see. I look at a rough situation & my Silver Lining is the Fact that "it can always be worse". And so that becomes my "Positive Outlook" on things. And in my mind I try to tell myself, "Hey, look on the Bright Side! Nobody's Dead;You're still together. Be Happy for the Time you have!" It's just so hard to think that Way....

And then there's a tiny bit of me that still clings to this little strand of hope, but my mind seems to just want to destroy my heart, 'cuz my mind keeps telling me that the idea of being reunited & living a happy life together.....It's just a dream that can never come true. Sometimes I tell myself, "There's always Hope....Somewhere. You just have to find it." But in a mind filled with negative thoughts, those little words of hope & faith quickly fade.

I pray that it never happens, but still, you're right. Worst case scenario, I'll just have to try hard to Find them (and hopefully reunite them again). Though I fear that everyone will be so screwed up by then.

And yeah, that virtual hug did help a bit. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to this. Words can not even begin to express my Gratitude.

I'll try to be Happy.


~Hate me for letting you Destroy Paradise,
or Love me 'cuz I stayed at your Side~


~Just remember that this life was not my choice;
you were the one who sealed my lips so I would have no Voice~


(I did not make the Sig. or Icon! I found the Icon Here & the Siggie Here.)
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The Final Count Down.... - July 2nd 2011, 12:10 PM

Okay lovely, here goes nothing.
I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It sounds awful, and you're in such a hard position, I'm not sure how to respond. You see, this is like nothing I've never experienced. But I'll try my best.

Firstly, your brothers. You metioned to me that one of them may have to be adopted soon. That's so sad. I have two younger brothers too, and it would kill me to have one of them taken away. The most you can do is try and spend as much time with him while you can, and don't blame yourself. You sound like an amazing big sister, and I'm sure that your brothers look up to you. As for him having bipolar, I understand exactly how you must feel (or near enough,) because we thought my youngest brother may have autism. I was devasted, but it turns out he's fine. He's still young, there is still hope, as long as you don't give up. Bipolar an't usually be diagnosed until after the person is 18, but even now, there are things you can do. While he's in his violent phases, don't respond violently. Talk to him, and try to distract him with a game or TV show. His mind is still developing, and it's dangerous to leave the dark thoughts in his mind.
Quote:

I just worry about him so much. I yearn to see his smiling Face again....I'd take a thousand of his Punches if I could only see him be Happy....
This. This is beautiful, and almost made me cry. I hope, for your sake, that he gets better.

Second, two months is a long time. It's enough time for your parents to convince the court that they can look after you. The judge and the people on the jury are on your side - they take no pleasure in separating children from their parents. It's only if they think you may be in danger that they would resort to that. It's the same with social services etc. They don't want to split you and your brothers up, and will try as hard as they can to keep you together.

In conclusion, well. Your problem seems to be that you don't have hope, and the truth of the matter is that if you have hope, then anything is possible. If you don't have hope, you have nothing anymore - especially if you do end up split from your family. Even if the worst happens, it'll only be for a trial period, and if your parents get a job, or a new apartment or something then the ruling can be overturned, and you'll be together again. But only if you have hope.

You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a teenage girl who is lost and confused and just wants her family to be together and who loves her brothers so much. But not pathetic. You could never be pathetic.

Wherever your brothers and your parents go, they will be safe. You should be able to visit them regularly. And if something does go wrong, it's not your fault.

Quote:
What if I have to face this fear? What if I never see my Brothers again? What if my Father leaves & doesn't come back? What if my Mother suffers another Breakdown? What if I Break down? What if I forget the Memories? What if I forget the Happy Voices, Faces?
You won't forget. You can never forget those you love. If you are truly worried, take photos of them, and keep them with you all the time.

There is hope. There is always hope. You do have to stay strong, I'm not going to lie to you. But you need to do it for your brothers. They're younger than you. If they sense you're upset, they'll become upset. Keep together for them.

Saying that, it's not bad to cry. Don't be afraid to write a diary, or punch a pillow or sob and sob and sob until you've run out of tears. Leave me a ranty message. Phone a friend. But don't keep this emotion bottled up inside you all the time. It's not healthy, and will lead to bad things.

Honestly? I don't know how you'll cope if all this happens. But you will cope, and I'll help you if you need.

Please stay strong, and PM/VM me if you ever need to talk, no matter what about.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you <3


PS - Almost forgot -

Last edited by blumemusik♫; July 2nd 2011 at 12:10 PM. Reason: hugzzzz
   
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Re: The Final Count Down.... - July 2nd 2011, 05:01 PM

Mine is going to be really short:

God will help you. God will take care of them.

It used to be my responsibility to make sure my friend was alive each day. I was banned from talking to her or seeing her, but she is still alive. And I think god can take my position. <3


Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: The Final Count Down.... - July 3rd 2011, 01:48 AM

@blumemusik: First off, let me just Thank You for Responding to this. It truly does mean a lot to me.

Okay, on with the Post....

Anyway, technically if this did happen he probably wouldn't be Adopted "Soon" because you would have to find a Family willing to take him in, then you would have to go through all of the Legal Procedures.... Which I feel would make things even worse for him, because I don't know where they would put him
during that time period & he'd most likely be tossed around even more.... But looking on the Bright side, my other Brother would most likely be adopted by his Current Caretaker, so, that wouldn't be too Bad, I guess.... Though, she may be moving to New York next Year [for awhile], so....

I do try to spend time with him, but it seems like he's always in a terrible mood. Usually when I see him he'll go straight to his room and he'll refuse to come out. But then after awhile he will come out....only to Yell at everyone and try to stir trouble. Often I feel like I just have to Avoid him so he'll be at least a little bit Happy. I know that I shouldn't Blame Myself, but....there's a part of me that always will. I mean, I know that my Mom is always saying that I never caused her any Trouble & I never caused any of this, but I still can't help but think of the things I could have done differently....

Thanks for the Compliment, but I have my Faults.... And as for my brothers looking up to me, well, I always hoped that they would, but I don't think they do.... My little Brother is kinda blinded by Jealousy of me (Lord only knows why), which I think is part of the Reason why he acts out towards me & why he has hurt me so much over the Years.... And my Baby Brother (4-years-old) kinda just looks up to his Brother more than Me, which I think is probably normal, but still, it makes me feel a bit left out.... I try to be a Role Model, I try to Help, but it seems like they Ignore (perhaps even Despise) my Efforts.

Oh, I'm so glad things turned out well for your Brother!

Quote:
He's still young, there is still hope, as long as you don't give up.
I know that there still is Hope, it's just so difficult for me to Latch onto it. And I'm kinda ashamed to say, but Multiple times in the Past in my Frustration I labeled him as a "Hopeless Cause". I really regret saying that because I think that there is still a chance for him if we can just find a way to get through to him. (Same thing with my Mother....Maybe....)
And yeah, I mentioned to them that it's too Difficult to Diagnose Bipolar ['cuz it shares so Many Symptoms with other Disorders], especially at this Young of an Age (where it could simply be a Phase). They still want to get him checked out, though, but I keep trying to discourage them.


Quote:
While he's in his violent phases, don't respond violently. Talk to him, and try to distract him with a game or TV show.
I haven't responded violently towards him in about 3 years, so I already got that down. Usually when he gets into those Phases I try to speak to him Calmly & I'll either try to bring up his Video Game or a TV Show in order to Distract him. But if he's really acting out, the I usually just politely tell him that he should probably just go to his Room for awhile to Come Down. Nothing seems to Really work, though....

I just hope we can find a Way to take away the Pain & Heal him.

*Sigh* I know 2 Months is a long time, but in a way, it isn't. And I know that they don't take Pleasure in doing this. The original 'Danger' is gone;they just have 2 main Issues: My Father works too much & they Feel that My Mother is not ready to take care of her Children yet.

And yes, not having Hope is my Problem. I haven't really had "Hope" in about 4 Years....I kinda just gave up on the World & all of the People in it. I yearn to have Hope again, but.... To be honest I'm afraid. I'm afraid to Hope. It's almost as if I believe that if I am Hopeful, than fate will work against me even harder until it completely destroys my dreams & my Will to Fight. I'm still in the Process of telling myself that this thought is completely Irrational & that if anything, Hope will Help me, but....I guess I just don't know where to Begin.


Quote:
You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a teenage girl who is lost and confused and just wants her family to be together and who loves her brothers so much. But not pathetic. You could never be pathetic.

Wherever your brothers and your parents go, they will be safe. You should be able to visit them regularly. And if something does go wrong, it's not your fault.
Thanks so much. I needed that. I am terribly Lost & Confused;I just try to Deny it.... And I really do Love my Brothers a lot. They mean the World to me! Even still, I can't help but view myself as "Pathetic" & can't help but want to take part of the Blame for all of this. I think so lowly of myself sometimes.... :P But I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that everyone will be Safe & hopefully I'll be able to See them.

And I know it's not "Bad" to Cry, but I just Hate Crying. I don't view Crying as making a Person appear Weak;in fact I think it takes great Strength for a Person to show such Emotion. However, every time I cry, I feel twice as Bad as I did before I cried, because crying makes me Feel Weak. And if I feel like I'm Weak then I start Mentally cutting myself down, growing more and more P***ed at myself & eventually I start acting Bitter towards everyone around me....

I can't bear to cry. And really it's not Fair to Others if I cry.

I do Write Poems every now-and-then, so that Helps. But still, bottling my Emotions is unfortunately how I cope....Just like My Father....


Anyways, Thanks for Helping me Cope. I'll be sure to come to you if I need any more Help.

@
SoraKat:
Quote:
God will help you. God will take care of them.
I think that is something that I often forget, but I'm going to start trying to remember that more often. Thanks for Reminding me!

And on a Side note, I think it's wonderful that you helped your Friend like that.

Quote:
And I think god can take my position. <3
Truly a Quote to live by.


Thanks so much for Responding!


~Hate me for letting you Destroy Paradise,
or Love me 'cuz I stayed at your Side~


~Just remember that this life was not my choice;
you were the one who sealed my lips so I would have no Voice~


(I did not make the Sig. or Icon! I found the Icon Here & the Siggie Here.)

Last edited by SiberianSunFlower; July 3rd 2011 at 01:55 AM.
   
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