TeenHelp
Get Advice Quick Ask Support Forums Today's Posts Chat Room

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Chat and Live Help Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Safety Zone
   Hotlines
   Alternatives
   Calendar


You are not registered or have not logged in
Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!) As a guest you can submit help requests, create and reply to Forum posts, join our Chat Room and read our range of articles & resources. By registering you will be able to get fully involved in our community and enjoy features such as connect with members worldwide, add friends & send messages, express yourself through a Blog, find others with similar interests in Social Groups, post pictures and links, set up a profile and more! Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!



Education and Careers Work of any kind can get stressful at times. Ask in this forum if you need help with coursework, applications, and more.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rate Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Validity's Avatar
 
Name: Jay
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 05:04 AM

Hey guys, so, I decided to write a series called "The Crime Slasherz", it's about these four teenagers, like you and me, going through life, they attend a boarding school and when they hit puberty, weird things start happening.
Things like, not being injured when being punched in a jaw, or entering somebody's mind and seeing their memories (also sitting around somewhere and just hearing thoughts), things moving without touching them, and visions.
They think they're going crazy until a woman comes and tells them what happened when they were born.
I hope you guys like the Prologue keep in mind I know it has room for improvement and I might have gotten some of the punctuation incorrect and I'll fix these up or have my editor do so when I send it to her ( I wrote this from four different perspectives throughout and made sure it is clear enough to recognise whom is speaking

Enjoy:


Prologue







Kristy jumped as loud explosions surrounded her, knocking her off her feet as scream after scream tore at her throat. The blaze around her burned her skin, she could hear Deuce shouting her name but with the loud crackle of flames and the swirling smoke, she couldn’t discern where the faint voice was.

Deuce tried leaping through the flames but a support beam fell, sending sparks flying at him. He lifted his arm to protect his eyes as he tried to find a way through.
“Kristy!” he shouted again, hearing a weak cough but not able to find a gap in the flames. He rolled up his sleeves, taking a step back as he made a swift hand movement at the support, which had fallen, in his way.

Jess darted by Deuce, not even seeing him, the smoke had engulfed all of them. The flames licked at Jess’s skin but she couldn’t feel any pain, the flames left her unharmed. She ran towards the coughing, but the noise of the fire and the smoke had knocked out her sense of direction.
It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Or in this case, a human amongst the fire.
Jess didn’t give up, she plowed on.

Nathan hopped along, the crutches left behind, the metal had heat up to unbearable levels.
“Deuce! Kristy! Jess!” He screamed. His throat was burning as he coughed out the smoke he’d inhaled. He tripped and lay on the ground for a few seconds, allowing almost pure, clean air into his lungs. He managed to pull himself across the ground, using his arms and his good foot, he shoved and pulled himself along, somehow finding the door.

Kristy felt light-headed, her coughs weaker as she lay on the ground, attempting to get back to her feet but the smoke had completely filled her lungs, her throat had closed up, locking the smoke inside. She knew she was dying.
A bright light exploded across her vision.

Deuce plunged through the flames, the support beam was no longer blocking his path. He sprinted through, his eyes watering as he searched for Kristy.
“Kristy? Where are you? Yell if you can hear me!” Deuce shouted, nearly coughing out the words. He ran into somebody. He turned to see Jess, his vision blurred.
“Get out of here! I’ll find her,” Jess shouted in his ear. He shook his head.
“No, what about you?” Deuce asked.
“Ah, hello? You do know who I am, right?” Jess asked. Deuce felt her hands shove him towards the light and he stumbled towards it, hoping Jess would find Kristy in time. He tripped over a body in his way. Nathan cried out in pain. Deuce landed awkwardly, hearing a crack as his shoulder popped out of the socket. Deuce lifted himself back up, using his good arm as a support, and then yanked Nathan up. Tears made tracks down the soot on both of their faces. Deuce and Nathan linked arms and helped each. Once outside, they both doubled over, gagging on the smoke and coughing violently.

Jess, still screaming for Kristy, could feel her defences growing weak, the smoke was searing her lungs and burning her eyes but she pressed on. Although blinded by smoke, she somehow found Kristy. Unfortunately, Kristy was unconscious and a dead weight.
“Deuce!” Jess screamed.

Deuce heard the scream, pushed himself back up and Nathan exchanged a worried glance with him.
“Go” Nathan pushed him back towards the burning building. Deuce began to sprint as the building tumbled in on itself.
“Jess! Kristy!”

Jess threw her body onto Kristy’s as she heard loud snapping sounds coming from around her. The walls collapsed, the roof landed around them, shattering on her back. Jess could feel sticky blood beneath her hand and gasped.
“Kristy!”

Thanks for reading

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Validity's Avatar
 
Name: Jay
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

Re: The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 05:06 AM

I apologise, my computer fucked up when posting this I don't know why some words are larger than others, it was not my intention. I hope it still reads well!

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ennui. Offline
Living the dream.

TeenHelp Superstar
**************
 
Ennui.'s Avatar
 
Name: Dez
Age: 27
Gender: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Pronouns: She/They
Location: Connecticut, USA

Posts: 20,055
Points: 172,473, Level: 59
Points: 172,473, Level: 59 Points: 172,473, Level: 59 Points: 172,473, Level: 59
Blog Entries: 173
Join Date: November 16th 2010

Re: The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 05:23 AM

You're an awesome writer! I could imagine this well. You use such great description, I totally want to read more.


Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Validity's Avatar
 
Name: Jay
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

Re: The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 05:32 AM

I said my laptop fucked up... how the fuck did it get in the depression and suicide forum? :facepalm: grrr, somebody please move this to the correct forum!

Thanks Dez I'm glad you liked it!

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
~Divergent~ Offline
Struggling again.
Senior TeenHelper
*******
 
~Divergent~'s Avatar
 
Name: Hailey
Age: 26
Gender: RUNNER GIRL!
Location: California

Posts: 896
Points: 16,271, Level: 18
Points: 16,271, Level: 18 Points: 16,271, Level: 18 Points: 16,271, Level: 18
Blog Entries: 56
Join Date: September 28th 2012

Re: The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 06:13 AM

Argh, THE SUSPENSE!
I want more







Member since 9/27/12
Buddy since 9/14/13
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
Member
I've been here a while
********
 
Validity's Avatar
 
Name: Jay
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!

Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21 Points: 22,944, Level: 21
Blog Entries: 23
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

Re: The Rescue (not at it's best yet, and needs a lot of work, but as a first draft it isn't bad :)) - December 22nd 2012, 06:29 AM

Haha I'm glad it was suspenceful! I was trying to hard to make it a must-read, so people would be reeled in The next chapter goes back to the beginning, when things start happening

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
bad, draft, lot, rescue, work


Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


 
User Infomation
Your Avatar

Latest Articles & News
- by Rob
- by Rob

Advertisement



All material copyright ©1998-2024, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints | Mobile

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.