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Kasnec Offline
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I am a raspberry cake batter mix on a pale carpet - July 18th 2013, 10:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Came here to help others, found out whoops, I need help myself.

I've got myself into quite the tangle, which has so many mitigating factors I don't even know where to begin.

I've been studying postgraduate law fulltime for the last semester. Unfortunately, due to mental health being in a slide since last July and then the stress of moving across the country to a new city on my own, I ended up with repeated mental breakdowns, massive social anxiety and a full blown eating disorder to deal with. This impacted hugely on my studies because I didn't want to see anyone, got chronic bouts of insomnia and therefore was consistently distressed and fatigued simultaneously, and could never concentrate on anything for longer than 5 seconds.

I managed to get through an outpatient program at an ED clinic and am seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis.

I failed two units.

My parents have some idea that I haven't been 100% because Mum visited recently and was suprised to find out the chirpy, happy front I put up on the phone wasn't actually going on.

I told her I'd passed.

My parents have no idea what an absolute trainwreck mess I've been. They've had so much unbelievable shit to deal with in the last year I didn't feel I could tell them anything that was going on with me. They've been so generous and supportive of me, materialistically if not emotionally, saying that I failed seems like saying look at all you gave me and this is what Ive done with it.

I missed the deadlines for special consideration because I didn't make my mind up to withdraw until a week and a half after the date, and then it became such a sign this form and fill out this personal medical history here drama that I was like to hell with it, I'll just give it a shot. But, by the time exams came around, I'd missed so many classes and was in such a state of anxiety that I figured there was no point, and it would be better for my mental health just to miss them.

Whoops.

Now that I've failed two units, I don't fulfill the prerequisites for two of my units for next semester. Therefore I don't start university for another six weeks (dont ask me why, they structured it like that), and I was counting on being madly busy with uni to keep me sane (it was supposed to start next week). I also dont fulfill the prereqs for student financial support, as its not technically fulltime study anymore.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I keep screwing myself over like this. Sure, you might say mental health issues aren't your fault, but at the same time I feel like I should have seen it coming and dealt with it better.

How do you tell your parents whoops, sorry, I lied. I overdosed on antidepressants and ended up in the ER, was actually going to an outpatient program for an eating disorder I've hidden from you for the better part of 2 years, and have been saying I'm happy when I've never been more clinically, fundamentally depressed in my life?

Gah. It's like, too much to explain to anyone. Sure, I'm not so self hating as I used to be, and I haven't self harmed for years, and I've finally sort of come to terms with my sexuality - but trying to explain the constant daily battles with empty hopelessness (which usually results in sleeping all day) to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves is a mammoth task.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of this one. Thanks for reading.


The dream state just before wakening when it seems perfectly logical for the goldfish not to like peeling its own potatoes on the bus. \― Kate Griffin, A Madness of Angels.
   
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Re: I am a raspberry cake batter mix on a pale carpet - July 18th 2013, 01:23 PM

I dont know how to delete the above post, which was typed up in a fit of zomg what do I do, but nevertheless, posting the reply here so that people can know that things do work out even when you think they can't possibly do so. (moderators feel free to delete thread).

I just had the calmest, most rational, adult conversation with Mum I’ve ever had in my life.

Mind officially blown.

It’s going to be okay.

I wrote an epic, gentle email detailing whats been going on for me and whats happening right now and she responded in the best way possible.

I’d totally underestimated her toughness and handling capability.

I can’t feel anything right now because antidepressants woo but I’m sure at some point the relief and sensation of having someone on my side, someone to sort through the problems, will hit me.

I’m so hoping this works.

Mum suggested hypnotherapy, because it apparently worked for her. I’ve tried it before and am apparently one of those people who are not susceptible, but who knows, life circumstances change.

Enrolling in an extra publishing unit in order to keep myself occupied and sane and hopefully qualify for financial support.

All in all, it was one of the best outcomes I could have hoped for. It's going to be ok. And even if it isn't, I'm fortunate enough to have a sympathetic and supportive adult on my side with vast life experience and craftiness


The dream state just before wakening when it seems perfectly logical for the goldfish not to like peeling its own potatoes on the bus. \― Kate Griffin, A Madness of Angels.
   
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Re: I am a raspberry cake batter mix on a pale carpet - July 18th 2013, 04:35 PM

Hey there,

Congrats on being able to talk to your mom about what you were going through! I'm glad it all worked out. I'm going to go ahead and close this thread, since we don't delete threads on request. If you have any questions or want to reopen the thread feel free to send me a message.


"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
   
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