Non-PG13: Confusion over female work colleague.

[Captain_jack]

I'm female, I'm 23. I've been with my 43 year old boyfriend for nearly 4 years.

Yes the age difference is difficult and we have our issues am arguments sometimes, but he is the only person I've ever had a relationship with - and of course, I love him.

That's the bit of background I thought I would put in just for context.

I work with a 39 year old woman called 'sam'. I liked her since she started about a year ago. It became apparent very quick that we have a very similar (mostly dirty) sense of humour. Now I don't mean to sound judgmental but from sam's appearance, interest and general vibe - we guessed at work that she was probably gay. Another colleague of ours (Jen) is lesbian and asked her out.
Apparently they dated very briefly but Jen got very serious and clingy very early on and Sam ended it after 2 weeks.
The fallout from this is that Jen has been off work with 'depression' and 'work related anxiety for 6 of the last 12 months. Since she's been back at work, for those of us that know, it has felt pretty awkward to put it MILDLY.

Now there's a couple of us at work that would class ourselves as good friends (Sam, myself and two other women) so sometimes we go out for a drink together or round one another's for a party.

It has been on 2 of these such evenings that Sam and I have been the last two standing - you might say. The first time this happened we shared the bed in the spare room, yes we were both fairly drunk, and though nothing 'happened' we just held each other very close, slightly caressing, for ages until we fell asleep.

The second, more recent occasion, again we were the last two up. Music was playing quietly and we were dancing together very closely. Prior to this when our other friend was dancing with us - she had been playing about getting everyone to kiss. So we did all kiss/snog each other. We were all drunk and silly - but It was very nice.
Back to Sam and I slow dancing and staring into each others eyes. It was so lovely. I felt so warm inside. More amazing than I've felt in the last few years since my boyfriend and I got together.

Now once again, there is obviously this is sense that nothing could or would happen. Because
1. I'm with my boyfriend.
2. I'm straight, as far as I know.
3. It's a really bad idea to do anything with colleagues (as she recently experienced)

Sorry it's such a long post. I was 50/50 whether it should go in the relationship one.

The main point of my post, now that you have all the events, is that I think I may be in love with Sam. I think about her all the time. I want to go to work just so I can see her, I pay attention to every little thing she says, I have tried to become interested in some of the things that she is.
She makes me feel like I can be more and do more with my life than I realised up to now.
I really do think about her an awful lot. I want to message/text her when I think of her but I have to stop myself doing it too much because I know I'm thinking about her more than I should - more than just a friend.
It feels almost exactly like I first felt when I met my boyfriend. I was a nervous little teenager with a crush, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but felt so awkward and guarded whenever I was around him.
This is exactly how I am now, I'm so often stuttery and self concious when I'm around her. But I want her to pay me attention - I'm paying her attention every second I'm around her.

Oh I don't know what to think. Am I in love? do I just have a crush? Does it mean anything that she's female? Am I not gay? Just Bi-curious?

Since thinking about Sam all this time and wondering what it is like to be a lesbian, I have been looking at lesbian porn to masterbate to, and I've enjoyed it very much! When I watched one the other day which has a guy in it I've got to say I was a little bit disgusted - it made me recoil to see him getting his end away.
On that topic as well sex with my boyfriend feels a bit different - I have thought about Sam during. And I've found myself very much turned off by his 'bits' and the fact the sex with him (and in my head it seems like men in general) is all one sided and selfish on the mans part.

Wow so there's a good summary of all the different feelings going round my head at the moment. Confused = understatement!

Any and all opinions and comments would be appreciated. No one else in my life knows how I'm feeling about Sam and all of this. It feels like cheating. I always thought I was morally against cheating, but part of me is very selfishly just wanting to be with Sam, I think I love her 😓.

[Deleted115]

Hellooo!

Generally, i think your bi-Curious, which is perfectly okay! (but thats my opinion) Anyhoo,

To sum it up in one sentence for you, my advice would be


Do, What, Your, Heart, Wants.


Because to be fair, happiness is SO important in a relationship, happiness comes from Love, and to be honest, it doesn't matter Who you're with in a relationship

aslong as you Love and are Happy, thats whats important.

It may be a whole new experience to you, but it could be something you'd preferably choose, maybe its what you want more.


You say you are morally against cheating, which is a great thing However, to be pretty honest, Its a thing to cheat on your loved one, with someone you use for sex.

but its another thing to cheat on your loved one, for someone you love even more.

Point is; your boyfriend should be concerned for your happiness, especially if you are not happy in your current relationship.

My personal advise, is to talk to your female colleague, maybe find out deeper, if she likes you!

And also; talk to your boyfriend, explain to him, how you may love someone else even more. You get the idea here,

you have to choose between one or the other,


And you should always go for the person that you love. But; keep in mind, you should also go for the person that will Treat you Right.


It could be just a crush; but having a crush will always develop into something more; if you stick around.


Its your call.


If you're not happy in your relationship, and you prefer someone else, you need to end your current relationship, and start a better one.

But thats my take on it.

I hope it goes well for you.

[Ennui.]

Hi there!

I'm really sorry to hear about how confused you are!

I can't really say whether you're in love or have a crush, as what that feels like can be really different for everyone. I know it's confusing, but that's one of those sort of internal feelings that you'll have to play out for yourself. Similarly, I won't be able to tell you your sexuality either. The thing with that is not everyone fits solidly into one neat little box, and everyone experiences things differently. Is it possible? Sure. It's definitely possible that you're at the very least bi-curious or bisexual. People start to question their sexuality at all different ages. Sexuality is fluid, meaning your preferences can change over time as well.

As far as what it means that she's female, even if you are straight, sometimes there will be "exceptions" to any rule. As I said above, not too many people fit 100% into some neat little package, and you can't always help who you like. Someone who identifies as straight may develop feelings on someone who is the same gender or someone who is homosexual may develop feelings of someone of the opposite. And, sometimes straight people like gay or lesbian porn, for instance.

The thing is, you will have to make a decision. Are you happy with your boyfriend, or do you feel as if it is time to move on to someone that will make you happier? If you are unhappy in your current relationship, it is probably best to break things off because it isn't fair to either one of you, you to be unhappy, and him to be with someone who just doesn't have the same feelings anymore. But, before you make any sort of decision, put some thought into it. You definitely don't have to rush. Just make sure what you decide is best for you. From there, if you break up with him, you can try and speak with Sam about things. But, if you decide to stay in the relationship, maybe you can try and do things to add spark to the relationship, such as an out of the box date.

I know things are really confusing right now but I do think they will sort themselves out. In the end, I think that you will come to the conclusion and the decision that is best for you. Try not to be too ashamed, there is nothing wrong with you for what you are going through and you are not a bad person.

-Dez

[Captain_jack]

Thank you both for your replies. they mean a lot to me. They mean that I'm not going mad, that I'm not bad inside.

I think now that there are 2 things going on here.

1. I AM quite attracted to Sam. her personality, her lust for life, her strong will and self sacrificing dedication to others absolutely inspires me. I think she is a lot of things I want to be, and maybe that admiration has transcended into attraction.

2. I think I have become a little bit complacent and, to put it bluntly, bored with certain aspects of my current life. whether that be, working all week just to pay the rent and do weekly shopping, to the routine-ness of mine and my boyfriend's sex life. it all feels a little bit suffocating and like I have got myself stuck in middle-aged "housewife" mode at the age of 23.

I think that the latter reason, makes the idea of being with Sam all the more appealing, because it represents freedom and recklessness, when my life feels so full of responsibility right now.


All the more, I have spent the last few days daydreaming about leaving my boyfriend and living on my own, just living my life by my own rules. But I'm so scared that I'm just gonna throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me because I feel like being selfish and don't want responsibilities. What if I just don't realise what I've got until I've thrown it all away?


Anyway, I will take your advice and just let some time pass. Maybe this daydreaming will fade and I will start to realise how lucky I am again.

I think I could be Bi-curious, keep wanting to get drunk with Sam again and see what happens... It's wrong I know
its so hard I don't know whether I need to "follow my heart" or whether I'm just wanting to have my cake and eat it. By having the stable settled life I have now and also getting "thrills" elsewhere? Am I just fantasising?

I'm getting all bogged down in thoughts about it all again so I'm gonna leave it there.

[Wildfire89]

I can relate a lot. I flip-flop between referring to myself as straight but then I also get bi-curious feelings on occassion. I too am in a relationship with the man I love. We are engaged and I'm committed to that relationship. But certain girls pull me in and I think about what it would be like to be with them.
For you I'd say to follow your heart and do what you think will make you the happiest. There is no shame in that. I think the first step would be to have a conversation with Sam and see what she thinks. Based on that you can decide (we can help, too, if you need it) what the next best step would be.

[Captain_jack]

Thanks Jen,

I spent the day with Sam yesterday and it was, in retrospect, lovely. We were supposed to be doing a parachute jump together and so we met up there yesterday morning and had to hang around to see if the weather was good enough to let us go up, but in the end it wasn't but following this we had nothing better to do and i agreed to go with her for a walk around a lovely common area close to where she lives. So we had already spent all morning sitting chatting, then we went walking for a couple of hours. Sam is someone who does that a lot, whereas i don't think i ever have been for a walk just for the sake of it up until now, but I wanted to go with her.

so we did that - obviously talked a lot - between the few silences (which in my head sometimes felt awkward). She asked me about a lot of my inner thoughts and stuff, just in terms of my self confidence and how (not) easy i find it talking to people. I don't know whether she realises that its mostly HER that i have trouble talking to because of the way i feel about her.
I mentioned how i am one of those people who just remembers loads of stuff, from conversations etc and how its not fun at all to constantly be thinking about so many things that have happened. then i made a joke where I said that's why i like to DRINK (i don't drink a lot in all honesty but when i have a drink with her and the girls from work i tend to drink quite a lot, possibly because she is there and i want to be "free" with her). She then said, ahh yes she woudn't be drinking again, at all - like EVER. I think she was trying to imply that she knows she shouldn't get drunk around me? (referring to the two previously drunken occasions i talked about before) that's what i read into it. because she mentioned at another point that she's going camping soon and is looking forward to sitting around the fire drinking too much wine. So she didn't mean not drinking at ALL - i think she meant she knew that it was a bad idea to get drunk with me/us.

Also there was a point where she very much suggested that she was about to ask me a question (while we were talking about deep and meaningful thoughts etc) and then she kind of stopped talking, i asked her what she was about to ask me and then she said that maybe she wasn't very good at doing the "talking" thing either. So she never asked me what it was.

This OBVIOUSLY, with the way my mind works, has done my head in. What on earth was she gonna ask me? Does she realise how i feel? does she feel it too? Or was it something more soley related to me and my own self esteem issues. I think from the way she kind of backed out of it that it has got to be something to do with me and her. i think the way she looks at me sometimes its like we both know what's going on under the surface, but that its far too dangerous to say it.
After the walk i still said that i didn't have to go home yet (obviously just trying to spend more time with her, she MUST realise this is the case when i say that) so we went back to her place. well we had coffee, watch a bit of tv and obviously chatted a little bit more. I think the convo stayed mostly impersonal at this point. I think the fact that we were at her house felt like there was a lot more pressure to NOT get too "friendly" - where it potentially could have been easier to do so.

I left and went home a couple of hours later. After having spent all day with Sam. Now there were lots of points where i was just rambling to myself in my own head that i needed to try and relax and just talk to her like a normal friend. which im fairly pleased to say i think i managed to achieve a bit more after being alone together for so many hours in one day.


This is the point where i realise just HOW MUCH i analyse things. i could write on here for hours about all the thoughts that have gone round my head all through yesterday and since. Its not good for me because i believe if i think about it that i'll work it out and come up with an answer. But no matter how much i think about this stuff it never gets any easier and in fact im beginning to think i just make it worse because ive spent so much time thinking and gotten no where.

Im sorry for keep going on, by putting a thread on here im supposed to be looking for answers and suggestions i suppose. but im using it more like my own personal therapy just to tell it all to someone.

[gettingthere3012]

I find sometimes writing down my thoughts really helps sort them, if you feel like youre thinking about everything and can't take a break from it. I am also quite confused at the moment but i will say that you might consider your relationship with your boyfriend regardless of sam. are you happy with him? and not content - like actually happy? do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? if the answer is no/maybe. then if you do decide to pursue something with sam, and it doesnt last either then you havent necessarily lost something great. perhaps the right person for you is still out there you just havent found them yet. and maybe that person is sam. maybe disregard her gender and think about whether you are happier with her.

i hope this makes some sense, and best of luck. i hope you find your way.

[Captain_jack]

Thank you gettingthere3012.
I am putting some serious thought into my relationship with my boyfriend. I think i am "Content" i could easily just carry on the way things are. But i don't think its making me happy. In fact the more and more i think about being on my own - the happier i feel.

Maybe Sam coming into my life, is not just about making me realise that i want to be with her - because i still don't know how to translate all these feelings. But its starting to feel like she, at least, has helped me realise what i need to change my life. I spend far to much time just carrying on regardless, because its 'easier'. But i know i am getting to a point where something's gotta change.

I've got to do something, i feel like im making decisions about my whole life - whereas those things have always been up to fate before now. I suppose its a good thing.

[gettingthere3012]

youre most welcome! im so happy for you!! it must be such a great feeling to finally realise this. id love to know how things turn out for you.

[Captain_jack]

Will try and update on here.
Have spent today feeling like I'm single. I want to party! I'm on a buzz.
At the same time i have thought about Sam all day. And even asking what she was doing after work - shes not doing anything. I wanted so much to decide to do something with her, go to pub, go round hers..
But i didnt ask her. And thats probably right.

Im at home alone at the moment - just had my first drink (alcoholic) - got loud music playing. I wish it could stay like this. I want to live alone and have no rules. Have Sam over..
I feel like im slipping into "single" mentality. but i realise that i am not single, not yet. who knows when i will actually be able to be. And that depresses me, so im here drinking and dancing on my own, thinking about Sam. Really wanting to message her, even more i want to go round there and drink some more, so i could talk to her properly.

My boyfriend and my sister will be home soon so i cant sit here dreaming for much longer

[gettingthere3012]

Hm. Even from what you mentioned about Sam earlier not wanting to drink around you might be that if you feel you can only talk or do things with her when you're drunk she might not want you to have to be drunk to do that... I don't know. I'd really try talking to her when you're sober about everything you're thinking, she might help you through it.

Also if you are feeling depressed by your relationship it's probably a sign. :S