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paca Offline
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What do I do? - May 25th 2014, 02:35 PM

Wow it's been a while since I came here last. Anyway...

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I was always great at school, but I've never had any motivation to study or work, no real passion. I've tried two different uni courses and got progressively worse results in every semester before finally dropping out. I don't know if its just laziness, or weakness, or what, but I can't make myself work, and I get stuck constantly in this cycle of guilt and self-loathing at how useless I am.

The only thing which I'm vaguely interested in is writing fiction, which I'm very good at (or at least used to be; nowadays all I do is "conceptualise" and never do anything). And I can hardly commit to writing stories while I'm still living with my parents for $100 a week. I have a part time job as a waiter in a café, but I can't go anywhere worthwhile with this, and I can't stand having a standard dull job. My girlfriend tells me I should get any job which pays okay, then save up some money so we can holiday / buy a house / etc. Well guess what - I don't care about any of those things, not that I can tell her that. Whenever I think about that future, with the standard office job and the average life, all I can see is me killing myself sometime down the track because I just feel like a complete failure.

Basically I don't know what to do, and I could use some advice from anyone who's been in the same situation.
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: What do I do? - May 25th 2014, 05:10 PM

I dont know if i was in the same situation, but all i know is that i felt like i was carrying the world's weight, without shoulders strong enough to sustain that burden . Generally, i crumbled and went through a horrible period of time. But i think that you have the potential to do anything you want.. you just gotta be brave enough to take the first step.

explore yourself. You never know what you can and will achieve. And no... dont ever think of ending yourself. You're too precious, nice and awesome for that to happen. Conceptualizing is actually a very good talent and you should explore it more. Look at all these writers and look at just how nice their works are... writing out a world of fantasy and populating these worlds with all these deep and interesting characters is a talent unlike any other.

have more faith in yourself.. and my advice is.. be brave enough to try your hand at anything that's fun. But don't let go of your interest in fiction. Now that right there is a lot of fun and immersion. You'll enjoy doing that a lot.

you'll always have us
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Philomath Offline
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Re: What do I do? - May 25th 2014, 08:52 PM

It sounds like you are struggling right now. I want you to know though that it is perfectly normal to not know what you want to do or to know what you want to do but not how to get there. It is also normal to be in the place you are in currently. This not knowing, the inconsistency of life and other factors are why most people do not end up exactly where they want to be or in places they never thought they would. Most people change their career in life and that is not a bad thing, neither is sticking with what you want to do if you are sure it is what you want.
College is not for everyone and not every school is for everyone. Maybe if you would like a try at school again you could try a different university or college. Each college is different in class size, how professors connect with students, how classes are taught etc. Some may have similarities however there are differences.
Do not give up on your writing. Being able to write is a great skill no matter if it is short stories, poems or other types of writing. You can also make a career out of it if you work at it and are able to send out manuscripts to publishers. That is not a lost cause.
There are also classes and majors in school dedicated to creative writing where you can take courses that narrow down your specific interests.
I understand you are working a job currently that you do not really like and in the future, you may have to work the dreaded desk job or another not so suitable job. Many people have to take a path that they do not desire to get to where they want to be but in the end, they get where they want to be. Students working through college work study do not generally like their job however it gets them money to pay for what they need and want so they do it.
Life involves a bit of what we want to do and a bit of what we hate and would rather live without but that does not mean it is something we should give up on. With all of the things we do not like or do not want to do or enjoy, there are the things that are usually small that we can look to or remember that give us hope: the gifts from people at just the right time, our birthdays, holidays, times with friends etc. Whatever that may be for you. Remember those things because while they may seem insignificant, they really are in the times of doubt, struggle and hardship.
I hope this is helpful to you and that things start looking up for you soon.
If you ever want to chat, you can message me and I would be glad to talk.

"i don't care your intentions. I just want you to know my self-hatred never took me where I wanted to go. At the end of the day...I can pick at the pain but I can't cut it away."
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