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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Robin Offline
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Vortex Of Hell - August 17th 2014, 03:27 PM

Ok Ok, so the title may seem a little over the top but hear me out.

I came out of severe depression and suicide about 2 years ago, which felt like coming out of a hole in the ground and seeing sunlight for the first time, i sat down and looked at my life and what it had become over the 6 years of depression i suffered and how it is just SO far from what i want.

I work in a factory and while the work isnt bad its repetitive and basically just no ambition or good in it at all. The worst part is the people, i HATE listening to them, i would rather be left alone than talk to anyone all week, i get tired of hearing peoples "i lost my mars bar this morning my life is just going so far downhill" Crap all day, its just people reminiscing about the past and how good everything used to be.

Anyway...its rubbish, the wages arent even that worthwhile. So i picked myself up and looked at options and currently im trying to do a home University course in Application Development (im a little stuck at the moment so its been going about 100% slower than usual) but i realized it would take me 2-3 years to actually complete it, so i really need another job just to change things up and give me the chance to move on with life away from a dark pit where i move 3 feet a day (in total).

So what i did was looked around me, just went out and looked at buildings with signs on, advertisements, looked for everything that could be a job (for instance looking at a car manufacture and thinking...i could work there, or a call center...just little things) And it hit me...well luckily for me it didn't, but a lorry drove past me and i was like "YEAH! i dont have to listen to peoples life problems, im always moving location and i get to just chill out and drive, AND I LOVE DRIVING" so i did it, i picked up the forms to start and last week i got my medical done to get my provisional license, now im practicing for my Theory and then booking a full week course to do ALL of my lorry license.

So thats all great right?! wrong, the course costs me £140 a month (for 3 years) and the lorry driving course costs a total of £2000 along with my usual bills of car insurance, tax, MOT, phone bill, rent and general repairs and maintenance, its tough but i just want to live a life i can be happy with.

Its more of a rant than anything but last sunday my car started making weird noises and i took it to the garage where they told me it was basically either going to cost me £50-£100 or £300-£ANYTHING£ and i have to take it in on monday before work, it scares me i only have a few weeks left to get money together to do my lorry course and i just dont have £300+ to spend, even if i borrow the money i will have to pay it back, it cripples my one chance to do something with my life, it makes me depressed.

I feel like i want to walk out my door and not come home until i have a CAREER, something i can do that will make me feel like im worth something to myself, you spend something stupid like 70% of your life at work, whats the point if you dont enjoy or have the prospect of doing something you love.

i constantly day dream about waking up and developing Applications, just sitting there writing out code and designing in a small team. Coming home and not worrying about the future being a dead end.

Im finding life so hard with the pressures im putting on myself, i want to move out of my parents soon (im 23) but if i move while im in a dead end job its going to be harder for me to take a wage decrease.

I apologies for the long thread but im just so annoyed with everything






   
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Hiraeth Offline
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Re: Vortex Of Hell - August 19th 2014, 03:44 AM

I hear you. I had clear goals and passions as a kid, before traumatic experiences knocked it all off course and for many years after the only thing I had energy for in life was fighting to survive another day. I didn't think that it would ever be possible to pursue those things, but that little voice in the back of my head never went away, gently reminding me where my heart is called to go. I'm a long way from where I hoped to be, but I try to think that I haven't done too badly considering what I've been through. And the more I move towards healing, the more my unfinished dreams start to appear real again. It's still pretty painful to think about, and I'm still nowhere near ready to drop everything and run for it, but I'm going to slowly build myself up to that point. I've always sucked at patience, it's bloody hard to develop patience when you need to stop manipulative inner demons from murdering you every day.

But patience is important. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Sure there are lots of people out there who appear to have gone a lot farther in the same amount of time, but a lot of people are in a hurry because they want to get to a certain level of comfort and stability by X age and then stop, retire, whatever. I have no interest in ever doing that, and it's comforting to know that one day I'll surpass all these people, because I intend to use every last year remaining of my life to pursue my dreams.

Long distance driving is really cool. I fantasized about it quite a bit when I was younger too, although nothing about it other than the constantly moving part would suit me. You should go for it, and don't be discouraged by the cost - it's an investment now, for meaningful returns later. Pretty much every single young person has some amount of student debt these days anyways. It sucks, but you're not alone.

And I write code for a living now, that was the stepping-stone career I chose while I slowly work towards figuring out how to pursue my childhood dreams. You're welcome to talk to me about that, if you want.

Good luck!!


"If limitations exist, it is because we have erased the possibility of potential."

Feel free to PM me if you ever need anything.
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