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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Through-Glass Offline
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Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 12:40 AM

This is an essay that I have written to obtain a $1,000 scholarship. In other words, I need some serious, harsh critique. This has to be the best that it can possibly be, and I'm asking for your help. Any advice you can offer would be deeply appreciated! I really do not like the ending, so any extra advice on that particular part would be amazing.

The prompt was: "What has influenced your decision to pursue a career in health care/medicine?"

Psychology is the science of figuring out how we work; the science of piecing together why we do what we do. However, this field is so much more than that. It is the of healing internal wounds, a path of pulling others out of the darkness that consumes such a high percentage of the world’s population. This field has grasped my interest since I was very young; what could possibly be better than being a professional support system? I later realized how much work this career truly takes.

Psychology is a fine art, one that takes a certain essence, a talent for juggling the ever-changing cycle of emotions, neurons, and trauma. Counseling, at it’s core, is about helping others. It is about being that hand to reach out, lending strength when a client can no longer hold themselves up. One must have the will and the strength to hold his or herself together, while simultaneously tending to the emotional needs of others.

I believe I carry that strength. I have waded my way through the darkness. I have struggled with depression, self-harm and eating disorders. I suffered in silence for years; yet, somehow, I found the strength to reach out, to seek help. That strength has guided me through recovery, and will continue to lead me to success in life. I will use this strength, lend it to those who need it. My own experience with mental illness has inspired me, filled me with a passion like no other. I have this need to give others the help that I suffered so long without.

Everyone deserves to have their story heard, deserve to know that they are important and their struggles matter. My mission is to hear these stories, to reach out and guide those lost souls onto the path of recovery. Psychology is the science of compassion, a science that I will perfect with the proper education and training.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 02:07 AM

This is really great Jessi !

Good Luck!


When you can't find your way home,
and when life gets too hard to face on your own.
I will stand as a light through the darkness unknown,
I will walk with you, so you're never alone.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 02:14 AM

Is there a word limit?


"We will ask nothing. We will demand nothing. We will take." -- May 1968, French Graffiti
   
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 02:48 AM

Quote:
Counseling, at it’s core, is about helping others
You may want to check but I think the gramatically correct way to say that is "at its core", b.c "it's" means "it is".


"He not busy being born is busy dying."
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 02:48 AM

yeah i was gunna ask if there is a word limit too, because it seems a bit.. short? maybe you could mention the work of a certain psychologist or books that you have read that sparked your interest. i think some of it is a little cliched. also, the question isn't specifically psychology related.. but i'm assuming they want you to adjust your essay according to what branch of medicine you want to study?

also you may get better responses if you posted this in the schools and careers forum, just a thought.


..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..



   
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 02:58 AM

It's good though, overall! But as the others said, it seems rather short- were there specifications about length?


"He not busy being born is busy dying."
   
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 03:18 AM

Yes, there is a word limit; 250 to 350 words...this has 320. So I cannot add much more, but I can cut a bit out if necessary.

Thank you for that catch with "it's", Beth. I did not notice that, but the judges definitely would have.

Elle, could you be a bit more specific about what is cliche about it? What parts should I switch up? How can I preserve the meaning of the essay without being unoriginal?

Thank you all so much for your help.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
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losing touch. Offline
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 03:39 AM

i think phrases like "suffered in silence", "filled me with a passion" and "being that hand to reach out." could be changed to something a bit more original as they are often slightly over-used.

i think you need to put the focus more onto the factors that had a direct influence in you choosing a psychology career and talk about what psychology actually is a bit less. it's difficult to say because i'm not one of the judges here.. but they're probably looking for something a bit different that shows more about you. i think it's great that you added in the bit about your personal struggles.. just make sure you put a positive spin on it.. although it seems like you have done that by saying that it's motivated you to want to do the same for others.

i'm not overly keen on the ending.. i don't like the "lost souls" bit. i think maybe you should bring some more scientific elements to it rather than just focussing on the compassionate side of psychology. is there a certain branch of psychology you're particularly interested in?.. perhaps you could mention that.. and why?.
also.. one more thing [even though it's minor and probably not an issue.] but i don't like it when people use the same word.. [in this case "psychology" to start two consecutive paragraphs.]


..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..



   
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 12:38 PM

Hey Jessi. (:

I honestly think this essay can be improved a lot. You're on the right path, but definitely a lot of tweaking to be done.

Quote:
What has influenced your decision to pursue a career in health care/medicine?
The prompt wasn't specifically asking you about Psychology, yet you jumped right in and started talking about it. I think it would be better if you stated, like the prompt says, what has influenced your decision to pursue a career in health care/medicine. Then you can talk about why you want to do Psychology specifically. I may very well be wrong, but that's just the way I picked it up. Just always make sure you refer to the question. So you could just start your essay off with something like ''I have decided to pursue a career in health care/medicine because...'' and just have maybe a sentence on that, and then talk about Psychology.

Quote:
It is the of healing internal wounds
I've read the sentence a few times, and it doesn't make sense to me. Are you after leaving out a word?

Quote:
My mission is to hear these stories, to reach out and guide those lost souls onto the path of recovery.
I don't like the lost souls part at all. Way too over-dramatic, no offense. Perhaps something like ''My mission (I think my dream my fit better?) is to hear these stories, to reach out and help people onto the path of recovery.''

I think over all, you need to concentrate a little more on the intellect of the career, rather than all the emotional parts, as like you briefly mentioned, you do need to be able to keep a distance and not feel every single person's pain.

I don't have much other advice for you.. but that's what I picked out of it. I'm going to move this to School and Careers, by the way. I just feel you've a chance of getting some more answers there. If anyone disagrees, let me know, and I'll move it back.

Last edited by noise94; October 10th 2009 at 12:45 PM.
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Through-Glass Offline
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Re: Scholarship Essay. - October 10th 2009, 10:02 PM

Thank you all for the critique. It was quite helpful. Here is a revised version. Let me know what you think. <3 It's 315 words.

The medical field has a certain hold on my heart, a certain something-else that no other career choice has for me. Caring for others has always been my passion; I take great pride in being a rock, a foundation that others may depend upon when times are tough. This passion has inspired me to follow a path in this field; the path of Psychology.

Psychology is the study of the human mind, the science of why we do what we do; it is the diagnosis and treatment of an array of mental disorders, and a topic that I adore studying in my spare time. However, it is so much more than that. I plan to be a counselor; to help my clients with their deepest struggles, pull them out of the clench of a darkness that I know so well.

I have struggled with depression, self-harm and eating disorders. I lived with these conditions for years; yet, somehow, I found the strength to reach out, to seek help. That strength has guided me through recovery, and will continue to lead me to success in life. I will use this strength, lend it to those who need it. My own experience with mental illness has inspired me, filled me with a fire like no other. I have this need to give others the help that I suffered so long without.

Everyone deserves to have their story heard, deserve to know that they are important and their struggles matter. My dream is to hear these stories, to reach out and guide those who have suffered onto the path of recovery. Psychology is the science of compassion, a science that I plan to perfect with the proper education and training.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
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