Song/Quote of the day!

you called me selfish, but how is breaking my own damn heart selfish? i would have made the same decision even if i knew that four months later, i'd be sitting in my room drunk and tired and pissed off. you think i'm weak, but i did what needed to be done. you weren't willing to make the hard choice.

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

[Eternal]

Shut the fuck up right now and let me breathe
Shut the fuck up right now, let me do my thing
Slow down, slow down, slow down
Quit hitting my phone up, quit hitting my phone up
Quit hitting my phone, slow down

Desperate measures - Marianas Trench

[Storyteller.]

they thought that she was smiling
but they misidentified
because the clenching of her teeth
was just her biting on the lie

When I’m standing on the mountain,
I didn’t get there on my own.
And when I’m standing in the valley,
I know I am not alone.

PTL for friends that make me cry over songs like this because no matter what my ED drives me to do or say, they know & believe that that is not who I am. They promise to not leave me alone with my thoughts or obsessions. They love me, and I am not alone.

I'm awake, and trying
While you're sleeping like a babe beside him
I'm on the ledge while you're so
God damn polite and composed

And I know you see me,
And you're making it look so easy
What comes and goes,
I'd go without

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

I will stay
Here beside you
Nobody will break you
Yeah

Trust in me, trust in me
Don't pull away
'Cause I'm just trying to keep this together
'Cause I could do worse and you could do better
Because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

Stutter - Marianas Trench

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

[Starseeker]

I can feel the thunder that’s breaking in your heart
I can see through the scars inside you
I can feel the thunder that’s breaking in your heart
I can see through the scars inside you


A candle casting a faint glow
You and I see eye to eye
Can you hear the thunder?
Can you hear the thunder that’s breaking?


Now there is nothing between us
From now our merge is eternal
Can’t you see that you’re lost?
Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?

(Ghost - Cirice)

Is it just the weight?
'Cause the weight is what weighs me down again.

The only way is to let go, get rid of all the fear,
of not being perfect.
My goal seems perfectly clear.

I have to eat to become healthy. I have to accept that eating will cause me to gain weight. Gaining weight does not make me fat, unlovable, or worthless.

I found myself dreaming
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows we were walking on moonlight
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone
I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we're not promised tomorrow
So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

“You have never cured yourself if it, because you did not chose to. There was a small effort of the will that you were not ready to make. Even now, I am well aware, you are clinging to your disease under the impression that it is a virtue.” - George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four
The damning part of a liberal education is that I’m taught to apply what I learn in one class to every other discipline, which often leads me to applying things to recovery. This book is entrancing and horrifying, and that line: “you are clinging to your disease under the impression that it is a virtue” is describing where I’m at with my eating disorder.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. -C.S. Lewis

[obelus]

what if this is reality
and out here is the dream?
i don't even know

[SkyFall]

Betwixt birth and death
Every breath regret
I pity the living
Envy for the dead

Emotionally stunned
In defense, I'm numb
I'd rather not care
Than to be aware
Be scared

Anesthesia - Type O Negative

'Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.' - Carol Burnett

[Eternal]

She's not a kid anymore
She's not going through those hardships anymore
Cuz guess what she's not the heart's bitch anymore
And she won't care about the darkness anymore

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. -Buddha

[Starseeker]

on this night of ritual
invoking our master
to procreate the unholy bastard

He was always giving her attention
Looking hard to find the things she mentioned
He was dedicated but most suckers hate it
That girl was fine but she didn't appreciate him
She calls him up
She's trippin' on the phone now
He had to get up
And he ain't comin' home now
He's tryin' to forget her
That's how we come with him
When he first met her
When they first got together
Everybody put up your hands
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love

[TheAtomicBlade]

Bodies collected by the undead
They're dragged to the altar to be revived again
Necromantic powers open their eyes
Feral and sadistic, they embrace the night

Mob of the unliving, stalking their prey
They're forcing the living into digging their own graves
Poisonous fumes emerge from their flesh
And the stench of the holocaust emanates from hell

You never really wanted it
You'll settle for a bit of it
We started with a big bang
And now it's coming back again
Hey, don't you feel it now?
My shiny side down
Hey, burning brighter still
And you're getting sick
And you're feeling it
It'll wear you down and wear you down
You chase it, breathing in and out and in and out
They'll push you up against the wall, against the wall
You didn't think you'd feel it all but you were wrong about it
Push
It started with a handgun
Loaded with excuses
I started faking it
And then we started breaking it
All the pieces used to fit
Using like it's going out of style
Maybe just a little while
And This will be the last time
Every time's the last time

Hey, don't you feel it now?
My shiny side down
Hey, burning brighter still
And you're getting stuck
And you fucked it up
It'll wear you down and wear you down
You chase it, breathing in and out and in and out
They'll push you up against the wall, against the wall
You didn't think you'd feel it all but you were wrong about it
Push
I regreted it
I regret a lot of things
I regreted it
I regret a lot of things

[TheAtomicBlade]

I'm bringing SexyBack

Fear,
He is a liar.
He will rob your rest,
Steal your happiness.
Cast your fear in the fire,
Because fear,
He is a liar.

fear sounds an awful lot like my eating disorder. I refuse to be a slave to fear.

[daisy_jam]

Eyes without a face - Billy Idol

[Starseeker]

we focus on your death
we focus on your death
you share not the blood of our-our-ours
thus we focus on your death

"Fix Me"

All the times I tried to steal my best for you
And I threw it up to keep it down
And watch it burn I hate the sound
I, I know just how you feel
'Cause I don't know how it ever got away

'Cause I still feel all the things I did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed me?
How will you fix me now? (Yeah)
And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
Just breathe, breathe

(Who are you now?)

And I'd rip it out if that would make you feel it more
And I know you hate to watch me pout
And tear it off and scream it out
I, I know that even though your breaking
You'll get sick and terrified

I still feel all the things I did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed me?
How will you fix me now (Yeah)
And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
Just breathe, breathe

You can have it all (You can have it all)
You can take it all (You can take it)
You can have it I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind (I don't mind at all)
Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh
Just take it all [x6]
You can take it all! [x5]

And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
If you fix you
How do we fix you now?
All the things you did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed us?
How do we fix this now?

And if your ever feeling your
Bruised and battered, always sore
I won't tell no one
Just breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe!

[Mindfulness.]

Wash the poison from off my skin,
And show me how to be whole again.

[obelus]

i don't know how to do this
i don't know how to do this
i think i know, but i don't really know
where am i gonna go?

[Starseeker]

I am the one lascivious

[Eternal]

But I sympathize
And I recognize
And baby, I apologize
That I got the good side
The good side of things

[NeuroBeautiful]

These streets remind me of quicksand (quicksand)
When you're on it, you'll keep goin' down (goin' down)
And there's no one to hold on to
And there's no one to pull you out
You keep on fallin' (fallin')
No one can hear you callin'
So you end up self-destructin'

[obelus]

my monsters crowd around me,
i stare into a no-fun house of mirrors
showing me all the angles i try

to forget. my therapist says i can’t
make the monsters disappear
no matter how much i pay her.

all she can do is bring them
into the room, so i can get
to know them, so i can learn

their names, so i can see
clearly their toothless mouths,
their empty hands, their pleading eyes.

[Storyteller.]

you're looking down & feeling so profound
you're so impressed by your own false humility
the sky descends, the ground is rising up
an unhappy ending to your sense of deity

you feel so safe inside the walls you fortified
supremacy implied; who dares to overthrow?
arrogance justified, self-importance amplified
it's down you go when your walls fall like jericho

On the ground I lay
Motionless in pain
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
Did I fall asleep
Is this all a dream?
Wake me up
I'm living a nightmare
I will not die (I will not die)
I will survive
I will not die I'll wait here for you
I feel alive when you're beside me
I will not die I'll wait here for you
In my time of dying
On this bed I lay
Losing everything
I can see my life passing me by
Was it all too much
Or just not enough?
Wake me up
I'm living a nightmare

[TheAtomicBlade]

Never again,
Time will not take the life from me

[Starseeker]

Per aspera ad inferi
Per aspera ad inferi
Per aspera ad inferi
Per aspera ad inferi
All your dreams will come true
All your dreams will come true