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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
lizalover Offline
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I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 5th 2009, 07:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am so proud of myself! I have gone a little more then a month without cutting and last night felt like the ultimate test of my strength. I woke up from having a really bad dream. It was about cutting. I brought a razor into a meeting with my RC and put the razor to my wrists, but right before I cut myself in this dream, she wrestled away the razor and I broke down crying. Then I woke up. I feel horrible and couldn't really understand why I would do such a thing to my RC, who I like so much. I decided to talk to my good friend on AIM about it. He said that it was my mind trying to trigger my cycle all over again, which he said that my cycle is this:
1. an event out of your control (a dream) ...2. feeling bad, bad thoughts bout self....3. cutting
Knowing this cycle, although I knew it inside, I have never had it written down in front of me, right there for me to see and read. I helped me a lot just to see it written down.
For the rest of the day, I continued to struggle with cutting urges. They came and went, but never really went away. Then when I came back to my room last night, my roommate was doing homework, and I got horrible cutting urges. So bad that I was shaking. I decided that I needed to keep myself busy so I folded all of my cloths and put them away. Although, I know it was a risk, I needed to take a shower as well. It had been about 3 or 4 days since I had taken a shower, so I knew that it needed to be done. I also needed to shave, and I knew what a risk this was, but I wanted to show myself that I had the power over the cutting urges and that they were just trying to get me to give in and that it was my time to choose if I wanted to cut or not. So I took a shower and shaved my legs and armpits without cutting myself.
I then went to my RCs apartment and she and some other students were watching "How I Met Your Mom" so I decided to join them. I sat there for about an hour and a half and watched this show with them. I laughed and enjoyed myself so much that I stopped having urges and they haven't come back since. It feels so good to know that I didn't cut. You see, if I cut myself again, my school is going to kick me out again for a whole year and I willn't be able to return until they feel that I am ready so I made a good choice last night by choosing not cut because 1. they would have kicked me out and I would be getting ready to go back home 2. i don't want to go back into the cycle of cutting myself everyday because it is so hard to stop once you have started. I just feel so good about not cutting. I never knew how much better I would feel by facing my cutting problem. I always thought that when I having cutting urges, that I always needed to stay away from any temptation, but now I feel like I am ready to face my fears and beat this battle. I AM READY TO STOP CUTTING AND CONTINUE MY LIFE WITHOUT IT!! IT FEELS SO WONDERFUL TO SAY THAT!!


"Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive."
"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow."
"Challenges are what make life interesting."
"We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it."
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 6th 2009, 11:04 PM

Congratulations! I am so happy for you!

I hope you continue to keep fighting these urges, never give in, do what you said you did when you had bad urges! Try to focus on other things, then eventually the thoughts should go away. I am very proud of you, keep it up!


I gots...



Huggles for yuz!!!
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 6th 2009, 11:14 PM

Congrats! *throws you a party* Keep up the great work!!!

~Kitten


"I was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it."- Audery Hepburn

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."- Walt Disney

Think happy thoughts...and boys will buy you diamonds!"- Hello Kitty


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
losing touch. Offline
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 8th 2009, 12:17 AM

well done, it takes a lot to be able to fight through the rough times. keep going :]


..and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears..



   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 8th 2009, 12:57 AM

Beating those urges is a major accomplishment. Each and everyone is a tremendous struggle and you should be proud of yourself for tackling them in such a mature, adult manner.


--A
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 8th 2009, 01:37 AM

YAY! :HUG: I love it when people say that! I am so proud of you!
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 11th 2009, 03:54 PM

I'm so proud of you! It was probably hard but I couldn't be more happy for you!
It takes a lot of work, but you did it.
Good job, and I hope that you never have to deal with those temptations anymore. They're horrible.


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and when life gets too hard to face on your own.
I will stand as a light through the darkness unknown,
I will walk with you, so you're never alone.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 11th 2009, 05:06 PM

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I'm so happy for you.

You can keep not giving into those urges. I know you can!!
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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 11th 2009, 09:57 PM

Congratulations! I'm sure it really takes alot not to give in to any erges that you may have and I really respect you and admire you that you have done so well so far.

Keep up the great work!
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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I had a test of my strength in not cutting and I won!! - October 11th 2009, 10:28 PM

Congratulations! That takes a lot of strength, you should be very proud of yourself It gets easier as time goes on.. <3


"He not busy being born is busy dying."
   
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