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Forgiving Yourself: An Ardent Apology on Behalf of 2012 Me. - March 3rd 2016, 02:23 AM

I have been planning to write this thread for many months now, and finally the stars have aligned and I am ready for some hardcore contemplation. To put it into perspective, I have not gotten past that first sentence even after five attempts. This is a lengthy apology on behalf of the version of me from 2012. Yesterday, I made a status update on Facebook, and I said:

Just going back through some of my posts and messages from 2012 and dumbfounded by how brainless many of them are. I apologise vehemently to all who had to witness those unimaginable failures of tact, self-regulation and language.

Going back through those messages and even going back through threads from that period of my life, I was somewhat embarrassed by myself. For example, for a period of a couple of months, I was extending my vowels to achieve emphasis and demonstrate enthusiasm. I did so in inspiration of the children's television show, that goes by the name of Best Ed, and that follows the story of a yellow dog and his sincere squirrel friend. When this yellow dog would get really excited (and that was regularly), he would scream in a high pitched voice, "EEHEE!" I used this extension and made it literal, in written language. Everyone extends vowels for emphasis, but the written form made some of my best threads entirely unreadable. I was also cracking bad jokes and just not taking myself seriously. I appreciate the support of everyone in the demonstration of such excitement and enthusiasm, but I was somehow under the impression that that was a good thing to display.

I apologise to everyone who had to witness those unimaginable failures of tact, self-regulation and language.

I was in the middle of High School back then and one of my worst traits was reaching its peak at that period. One of my worst traits was the requirement or intention to try and fix problems with other people's lives and offer advice and mediation, even when those forms of advice were not sought. I was caring too much about situations in other people's lives, which was maddening for all parties. For example, someone that I genuinely did admired, nicknamed X, was hospitalised after an adverse reaction to a medication. I, in being in the wrong place in the wrong time, saw her being wheeled out into the back of the ambulance, and the state she was in was somewhat confronting. She was hyperventilating and in a huge amount of pain. Just the sound of the hyperventilation is something I would not recommend to anyone. A week later, she was found unconscious in the bathroom for the same reason, and she was genuinely at risk of dying, if she had not been found when she was. In between and afterwards, I messaged her on Facebook for updates and talking about my processing of what happened and just the emotive power of the emergency as a phenomenon saw me get a little too close to her, I thought I was a closer friend to her than I actually was. It was nothing particularly destructive, just affection in messages and checking for updates on her life and condition on Facebook et cetera. She picked up on that and was subsequently somewhat freaked out by that, which is how it ended when I graduated, unfortunately. In the postmortem, I answered my own questions and found the reason for the requirement to care and be close to someone.

In June of 2011, I had a friend who stopped talking to me, for some reason, I was never informed as to the extent of the reason she was repulsed to me. After being bullied, however, in the period between 2003-2009 and having no real human contact for a number of years, this girl, Stefanie, gave me something I never had before: someone to care about/for. After that broke down and I subsequently broke down, the position I was in with X was one of filling the void. This is extremely dangerous, but that was the reason why. I love you and all, TeenHelp, but I think my membership here had a massive role to play in the requirement to care and advise as well.

That trait was evident in other situations but that was the worst one. There was also the fact that I was overly reliant and terrible at using Facebook, posting rather personal updates on my recovery from surgery, and the little matter of terribly basic language. I was also terrible at giving advice on the site and I did not know what to say when someone approached me for advice. For example, one day when someone had told me that an uncle of hers had passed away, I recommended that she rest and employ hot cocoa for the moment, which, while true, is a morbidly bad response. This same girl was really having a hard time with lack of sleep and self-harm as well, and I had no idea what to say. If only I had the education and the experiences I have now, back then.

Socially, mentally, educationally, I was still a child in 2012 and for that, I apologise. I cannot apologise enough.

Ever.

Mind you, there were many outstanding parts of 2012, I lost a gigantic amount of weight and was as fit as a fiddle, and Jamie Whincup won the championship! I'm saved someone's life and met many outstanding human beings. Also, I have overlapped many of my peers in language and tact and also in political engagement, not to mention interest in Australian Touring Car Racing! I literally had no idea who Jamie Whincup was, all of this amazing stuff was happening in the industry around me!

However, how do you forgive yourself for who you were back then? Every time I even think about that period in my life, I cringe so hard and I think of the amount of pain I caused and how bad I must have looked, how I must have presented myself. I could try contacting the girl involved but that was four years ago and she may think it even more undesirable that someone would remember an incident and traits from that long ago.

Thoughts?

I am sorry again, I can never be more sorry.


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Re: Forgiving Yourself: An Ardent Apology on Behalf of 2012 Me. - March 4th 2016, 04:59 AM

Honestly, everyone makes mistakes and all you can do is learn from it.

There are things I've done in the past that I regret and I know there are people out there who have an impression of me that is entirely false.

If you obsess over this and beat yourself up about it every single time you have these thoughts you are going to feel worse. Whenever I get to thinking about my past and I regret it I just stop focusing on it. I tell myself that what is in the past is the past and all I can do is move forward.

You were young back then and I am sure that there are people who are going to be aware of that fact and even if they aren't aware of that their opinion doesn't matter. The thing I am trying to learn is what other people think of you doesn't matter. It's what you think of yourself that matters. Don't let this hold you back from thinking good of yourself.

Forgiving yourself can be hard and it is a process but I think the first step is not beating yourself up for acting this way in the past.


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