My Recovery

[Linz]

We all bleed the same way, so I'm hoping what I've got to say will at least be heard to those who are interested enough to learn more about me.
We all have times in our lives when we stop to think things like "why am i even trying?", "what's the point?". And those that are within really deep in their psychological black hole (for lack of a better phrase), might think "I don't know what I waiting for, but I don't want to any more", "I'll never live through this", "I should just end this right now", "I need to kill the pain, it hurts too much", "I'm nothing, a failure, and I don't deserve to live".......... "I don't deserve hapiness".
We all have something in our lives that makes us feel like our breaking point has been breached and we're already toppling off the edge. THIS IS HOW I'VE FELT FOR 11 YEARS, (for as long as I can remember) AND IT'S INTENSITY HAS ONLY DECREASED BY THE TINIEST PEROIOD OF TIME. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can cope with the bipolar and borderline personality disorders (absoultely no one can take my emotions and put them on a tolerable level....well that is, if you find peace within yourself and/or fall in love with another person), along with the intense emotions that like to dig into my back along the way to slavation. Luckily I've come a long way, BUT MY EMOTIONS THAT WOUND ME, BIND ME, AND REFUSE TO LET ME CHANGE STILL EXIST...and they don't seem to be in danger of extinction any time soon. This is why I've come a long way, but still have a longer way to go. I don't believe in the saying, "the worst of it is over", because there is no such thing (again, for me anyhow) as emotions that die...they sleep, they recceed, and they always replenish.

I want to kill myself, and I'm on a whole new level of serious of this feeling. BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN I SHOULD TRY IT. In general, I want to kill myself, cut this weathered skin, punish my unmindfull mind, and I want to deprive myself of anything and everything that joy can bring.
I mentioned that I have come a long way now...and the breeze of the wind can't sway what my soul, body, subconcsious, and concsious are bleeding from the inside to express.
I need time, I need love, I need support, I need me. I crave what I see others experience.....confidence, unchained, ready and willing for life's embraces and shoves. So what can I do? What will change? Can I erase what I've become? I can't fathom how this metamorphasis will occur, but I feel it coming...because for once....for once I feel ready to find me, to not hold on or to encourage the little scarred girl that is slowing fading out of me......to find myself is what I'M READY TO LOOK for.

[Gidig]

Hey-

This was really good to read, and I'm glad you've shared.

Since you're more explaining about you, I think I'm going to put this into the Recovery Forum. If you were looking for more advice, feel free to PM me or an Smod and we can move it back here. =)

Maria.