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Recovery Stories Recovery can be a long and difficult path, and we may forget to rejoice in our accomplishments. Share your recovery stories here, from self harm, to drug, or alcohol addictions, and anything else you are proud of.

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RollingThunder Offline
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Name: Ryan
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Location: Massachusetts - USA

Posts: 106
Join Date: November 14th 2009

Everything will be ok in the end. - June 2nd 2010, 04:34 AM

Hey there, TH users. I apologize for the odd lingo in the following. It was originaly posted by me in a 4chan /b/ "bawww" thread. (For those who don't understand..a thread where people post really sad things.) Anyway..I left it in the original format by fear of it losing meaning or emotion. Best to let it stay as it was. Still..I think it can help a few people..so here ya go. =]

"Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." -Unknown

Hey /b/.
I know I will most likely get trolled for this, I even considered not posting it because of the shit I would recieve for it. Still, in my many years of /b/ I have seen countless "bawww" threads. Now, usually I read through them, and they just don't effect me much. To be frank, I used to think that they are all just a bunch of whiners. But my views have changed..

Last night, my girlfriend made a point to me. She told me that "To change, one has to do so themselves. You can not do anything else but just show them the way to change You can not force it, but you can show them it is possable. You can give them hope."

I can not heal the pain you have faced, /b/rothers and sisters who feel it. I am not here to tell you that you should "feel better" or "get over it". I am not here to force you to move on from a loss, or get over lost love, or even forget about a lost pet hamster. I woulden't dream of forcing you to move on, as my girlfriend has revealed to me. No matter the loss I have faced or the pain I have felt, it dosen't matter. I won't compare myself to your pain. I don't understand. I will never understand.

I am only here to try to share a bit of my story. Listen, if you would, and maybe you will get something out of it. Or not, or maybe you will just gawk at me and call me a loser myself. I just know what when I was alone and saddened, no matter how many other people told me to shut up and move on, all it took was one person to tell me I am going to be ok, and that I could take my time. I just want to help /b/rothers and sisters. If anything, just to show you that you are not alone.

Gradeschool is never easy, right? No, no it is not. Some people manage the popular route. I don't hate them for it. I do envy them sometimes..but that is not really in dislike of them. My gradeschool life was nothing short of hell. I was brutalized. People ignored me..except when they threw rocks or dirt at me. Girls ignored me, guys avoided me. Did I hate them? Get angry? No..I stood silently and accepted my punishment because as far as I knew..I deserved it. I was flawed..in my mind..I was broken. All I did was spend hours thinking of what I was doing wrong..why they all hated me so much. My parents talked long into the nights and even mornings about what they could do. Move my school life to another establishment? Homeschooling? Every offer they made..I declined. Not because I was a glutton for punishment..but because I wanted to face it. I wanted to see what I was in need of fixing. I thought..in time..I may learn and improve.

Times even arose where I considered ending myself..to purge the flaw in me. Foolish..but it was a thought. Times passed..I never learned..and gradeschool came and went. Freshman year was a bit better..though not much. I was accepted more..but only by friends of my older sister who was a Senior. When she left..as did her friends. I was alone again. I wasen't a good student..B's and C's mostly. Sometimes D's. My parents were not very proud of me. My sister not very proud either. They didn't hate me..not at all..they just saw the flaws in me, same as everyone else that I had met.
I had a few friends, none really close to me. Guys and girls both..and they all liked me. Still..no place to really call my own. I ambled about my day..got home and worked or played on my videogames. Life was a rut..but I didn't mind. I was automated..and everything was as it always had been.

I went out with a girl..we will call her Kate. She was swell, but deeply troubled. I won't bore you with details..but we fell out after a few months. I loved her..but she took from our relationship and gave nothing back. It drained me into depression. My friends saved me. My best friend at the time, A, she said I was going to be ok, and that I could take my time to get better. She convinced me not to end my life. I had all but given up, but I would move on for her.

Still, moving on was hard. Life was slow..like tree sap on a cold day. Everything was bland and tasteless. For all intent and purpose..I had given up on life. I thought I was flawed, worthless. No one would ever like me..especially a girl. I knew all this. No doubt in my mind. It was true as the day and night.

Time passed..life slithered onward slowly.

So what is the point of this all /b/? Why tell you my "oh so sad" tale? I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't need it. I am the happiest guy ever.
I met a girl, let's call her Erin. I always thought I was flawed, and in the end I still am. Still, her strengths cover my weaknesses..and vice versa. I thought I was a loser, and I am, but she always kisses my cheek and says "You are such a loser, I love you." I thought I would never be loved, and not only am I proven wrong, I am appreciated too. She accepts me, and all that I am. I haven't changed at all, either. I'm still the confused gradeschool boy..the alone highschool kid, the flawed man I always was. She loves me, and I her.

I have a ton of friends, because instead of trying to impress those who hated me, I loved those who loved me all along. I saw the beauty of life, if only in silence. I enjoy being alone sometimes, to take in my own thoughts. Nothing in me has changed, yet life has changed for me.
Sometimes it can seem too much. Like life is over, and you will never be ok. Well, remember that everything is ALWAYS ok at the end. If it is not ok, it's not the end. It took me 18 years to trudge through "not ok" and reach the "end" of this chapter of my life..but you know what? It's the end of it..and I'm ok. It may take days..weeks..months..years..decades..to finally reach the end of the problem. I promise you, when you reach that point, it will be ok. No matter what..it will be ok.

You are flawed; so love yourself.

You are alone; so enjoy the silence.

You can still love; so love.

You are in this life; so live.

I know I don't know you, friend. I will most likely never have the pleasure of knowing you. Allow me to introduce myself, though. I am Ryan (yes that is my actual name) and I am proud to call myself your friend. I don't know you, but I love you. I do, my girlfriend does, and all of my friends too. We want you to know it will be ok in the end. If it's not ok..it's not the end."

Well, apply all that here, with all of you TH users. As Shelby (my girlfriend) showed me..it will always work out. I love all of you people. <3
   
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