Realized something today.

[Marguerite]

I used to be depressed all the time. I used to SH a lot. Not so much with cutting.

Don't get me wrong, I cut before. It's just I'm a really private person and I would go to great lengths to make sure people wouldn't find out, so cutting wasn't that much of an option for me, because it would force me to be paranoid about covering myself up.

My thing was really pills. Sometimes to try and kill myself and other times to just hurt myself. It didn't matter what it was. Anti depressants, valium, asprin. So obviously things that would have pretty much no effect to things that would have a lot. However I did it so often that after a while a handful of valium wouldn't even do anything to me.

Theres a cupboard in the house where we keep all the medication. I would go there so often searching for something, but my mum got wiser and wiser and stopped putting things there. Sometimes there would be things there. Sometimes I would take them, other times I would just stand there contemplating taking them. I feel like a spent a life time infront of that cupboard.

Today I opened it up to get some panadol for a headache. It was such a weird experience, but I realized, since I started back at school in May I haven't even been there. It's not something I noticed until today.

You see the year before last I dropped out of school and I stayed that way for a year. I was always lousy in school, but this year, out of the blue, I decided to go back. It suprised me so much. I thought I was bad at school before but I realized I just hadn't been trying, because I was actually getting really good marks this time. Not to mention people. I've become so much more open and trustworthy and actually talk to people at school. Even made friends. Something I've never really done. Any friends I had already I had made in childhood.

Now I feel like my life is on track. This past year has been the best year of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the happiest person alive. I still struggle with depression sometimes. But it's more 'down days' than the constant thoughts of suicide I used to have. I never think about that anymore.

I feel... okay. Normal.

I like that.

Sorry for the novel

[MegaMadness]

That's honestly great.

[Kitty.]

That's wonderful.

[Jocelyn.]

That's really great to hear

I also dropped out of high school and returned a year or so later after a bit of a mental breakdown. Best decision I made (going back... not necessarily dropping out ), and I really think that I just needed that little break to make things more tolerable.

I hope things keep looking up for you!