Triggering: My Story

[Fallenandcantgetup]

I'm not sure if this is suppose to be here, so if its not then move it please.

First, this is just me telling my life story. I’ve learned a lot from the mistakes I’ve made. I hope by reading this you’ll learn from them too. I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy. By telling my story I want to make a difference in at least one person’s life.


When I was 3 I was raped by one of my brother’s friends. A week later my dad started raping me and it went on until I was 9. The only reason it stopped was because my parents separated. I never told anyone until 3 years ago. Now its too late to report it and I’ve regretted not reporting it. They’re free to do whatever they want because I didn’t speak up. They deserve to go to jail for what they did to me. I still have flashbacks all the time. The only way I can sleep is to take pills because I have nightmares about it. They took my childhood, and self respect. I don’t remember much of the first one, but the second one I remember everything like it happened yesterday.


When I was 10 I started self harming (cutting) to deal with the pain inside. I’ve came close to dying twice because I wasn’t paying attention to how deep I was cutting. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve last self harmed. Quitting was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I still get the urge to do it everyday and I hate the scars from it, but I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Around the same time I started starving myself. I ended up becoming anorexic. I kept telling myself I was fat every time I ate. I finally got it through my head that as long as I eat right I’m not going to get fat. I still struggle with my weight every time I eat.


A few months after I started cutting I started going out with friends and partying with guys a lot older than me. Then I started drinking, smoking, and doing drugs to get away from my problems. It was very rare to not see me drunk or smoking. All it did was cause more problems. I got into a lot of trouble. Back then if someone pissed me off I’d vandalize something that meant a lot to them. The cops knew me better than they should have. I haven’t touched any of it in 4 years


When I was 11 my parents got divoriced and I realized how abusive my dad really was. I never really thought about it before then, but he was abusive in everyway possible.
When I was 12 I played baseball and basketball. I sprained my knee and was told to stay off of it for 2 weeks. An hour later I was at practice putting a lot of pressure on it. I ended up doing permanent damage to my knee. My dream was to be a professional basketball player. I had to quit sports because of the damage to my knee. I have to wear a brace whenever I walk long distances. I made one stupid choice and its going to effect the rest of my life. Sports were my life and I miss everything about it.


I started dating when I was 12 too. By the time I was 13 I had dated 3 or 4 guys. A week after I turned 13 I met this guy I thought was amazing, but he was verbally abusive, and controlling. He always threatened to hit me if I didn’t do what he said. 4 months into the relationship, when he started being controlling and abusive, I knew I should leave him, but I thought I loved him. He was in and out of jail all the time. After a year and 4 months I finally had the courage to leave him.


Then I started dating a guy I’d been friends with for 2 years. He was great, but it only lasted 6 months. I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere, so we broke up. We’re still friends and he’s engaged now.
2 years ago I started dating a guy that cheated on me I don’t know how many times and I forgave him every time. If we were in the middle of an argument he would threaten to kill himself. We broke up 3 or 4 times and every time he would call me just to tell me he had a new girlfriend. The last time we broke up was a week before my 16th birthday. He still tries to talk to me, but I ignore it.


A few months after that I started talking to one of my best friends again and we ended up dating. He was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend. A month after we started dating he proposed to me. We were together for 4 months when he left me for someone else and pretty much told me I wasn’t good enough to marry. That was over a year ago and I’ve been single ever since. He made me realize a lot of things about myself that I need to work on before getting into another relationship.


I regret a lot of the choices I made. I’m 17 almost 18 and I’ve gone through things most adults couldn’t handle. It takes a lot for me to look at myself in a mirror. I dated all those guys that treated me like trash because I thought I deserved it. I’m now getting to where I try to do my best at everything I do. I’m trying to change and make my life better. No one should have to go through what I have.

[MegaMadness]

It's great that you are in a better place of mind now and that things are getting better and that you are trying to change and make your life better. You should be proud of yourself.