Triggering (Bullying): For the first time, I'm truly healing.

[Koharuchan]

I've never felt so happy. This might be a little long. For so many years my life was so horrible. For the first 13 years of my life, I was constantly bullied by everyone around me. I hated life, but I always clung to the tiny hope that things would eventually get better. Growing up, I had very few friends, and the friends I did have were only nice when nobody was around. Once I started middle school I was the entire school's punching bag. It wasn't just teasing or making fun anymore, I was taking serious beatings. I never understood why everyone hated me. I was never mean to anyone. I was shy and quiet, and I had trouble approaching others to try and make friends. When I did, I was bullied. I was so sad.

I got bullied a lot for developing early. People accused me of stuffing my bra in middle school, saying I was trying to impress people. People spread rumors I was gay, and nobody wanted to be near me because of it. I was ganged up on and beaten on several occasions, and the school authorities never believed anything I said or tried to help, even when I came into the office bleeding or with bruises. I was even molested in the middle of class, and nobody would listen to me. I had depression for 3 years, and I never had any medication to help me through. Everyone around me hated me. My school was 90% black, so it became even more dangerous when rumors that I was a racist spread. I was beaten even more because of false rumors people spread around. Once I was ganged up on by 5 girls in the locker room. 4 held me down, and one punched me and beat me with high heeled shoes. I told the school principal, but she didn't believe me. She said there was no proof, so there was no point investigating. I often opened my locker to find notes with death threats spilling out. My locker had been defaced, permanent marker written "Go to hell, bitch ass hoe." I was pushed and tripped in the halls. I had my head slammed into lockers. I sat alone at lunch every day. I had to force myself to wait until nighttime in my room to cry alone, because if I cried at school they would beat me worse. There were so many days I begged my parents to let me stay home because I was too afraid to go to school.

Finally, after 8th grade my parents sold our house and we moved to the country so I could start high school in a new environment. I was so afraid things would be worse. I didn't speak to anyone, I kept to myself because I was so afraid of other students, thanks to what I'd gone through. I wasn't just shy, I was terrified of other people then. One day a girl approached me. I made my first friend, and she introduced me to her friends and I got to know more and more people. My depression eventually went away, and I was so happy. Still, even with all the friends I had made, insecurities and scars still hung on me. I'd had it pounded into me for years that I was hideous, and that nobody would ever love me. Eventually I started dating, and I had troubles because of my past scars. Past hurts had made me fragile. No boy had ever managed to piece together the shattered pieces of my soul. No boy had ever managed to get rid of my insecurities.

Now I've graduated, and I'm dating a boy who has been a close friend for 2 years. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful. For the first time, I feel truly happy from the bottom of my heart. He's the first person to soothe my insecurities, and he's slowly but surely healing them bit by bit. After being broken so many times he's putting me back together. Today I told him that as much as he's helped me, I'm not sure my insecurities will ever go away completely. He said they would, with time. He promised he'd do everything he could to make them disappear forever. He's the first person to truly accept me completely for who I am and love every part of me, the good and the bad. For the first time, I feel like I'm worth something.

Now, I feel like thanking all those horrible people for what they put me through. If they hadn't put me through so much hell, we would never have moved and I would never have met my boyfriend. I'm so happy I can finally heal.

[GoneBeyondRepair]

im happy your life is so much better now Haaru. thats really great to hear im sorry you had to go through all that crap when you were younger though. that must have sucked really bad but its wonderful that your healing

[Koharuchan]

Thank you. For so long I thought I'd have these insecurities forever. It feels great to be getting better.

[Iris. ♥]

I'm so sorry that you went through so much for so long.
But, your story was really inspiring to read. I'm so glad things are going well for you!!
Keep walking on the path you're on. You're amazing and you deserve the best.

[dr2005]

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time in the past, but at the same time very glad to hear things are now working out for you. I think that's a very commendable attitude to have towards what happened - it is very hard, but viewing them as steps towards this better place does help in the long run. I was bullied at school as well and moved partly as a result, but afterwards I realised I grew a lot as a person from having to respond to the situation and it did help me get to where I am now. Keep going as you have been doing, as with your boyfriend and other friends things will hopefully keep getting better.