Recovery At Last

[Kate*]

I want to make clear that no one thing "caused" my depression (officially diagnosed about 2 months ago), but everything here influenced it.
Here's my story of how everything happened and what I learned along the way
How It All Started:

Genetic predisposition: This is not a cop out, I have a long, and detailed family history with family extended family members who suffer(ed) from (unofficial) depression, anxiety and (confirmed) schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

The Divorce: My parents divorced when I was 8, considering that I did not see it coming and everything changed after that, it wasn't the easiest thing to deal with. Due to the cause of the divorce and my age my parents kept everything well hidden from me until 2 weeks before my dad moved out. Within a few months my mom and I were moving 3,000 miles away from him and had to spend the summer with my grandparents.

Teachers: That was also the year I ended up with the teacher from hell. I wasn't a perfect kid, but I was far from a troublemaker, so when I got in trouble on the second day of school, and what seemed like every day after that, you can imagine what kind of toll that took on me. I realize now that the things I was getting in trouble for were stupid things, aside from crying in class (due to feeling abandoned and being afraid that my mom wouldn't come back for me. I guess in my 8 year old mind Dad had left so mom would too and she wouldn't be there to help me with something that I didn't understand) She also embarrassed and humiliated me in front of everyone on several occasions, told me to ask for help and then criticized me loud enough for everyone to hear any time I actually did so. Mom finally talked to her when I started faking sick just to get away from everything, it worked for about a week then went back to normal. By the end of that year I was terrified of authority figures, and getting in trouble, I couldn't do anything right, and believed that if I asked for help people would think I was stupid and humiliate me for asking at all. My fragile self-esteem was completely gone; I don't think I was ever the same.
All but two of my gym teachers treated me the same way. Due to vision problems I am extremely uncoordinated and I was just diagnosed with exercise induced asthma which they didn't know about at the time. So they just assumed I wasn't trying hard enough and yelled at me accordingly.

When I was 11 my cousin was sexually inappropriate with me on two separate occasions.

When I started failing 8th grade math is when it all started going downhill. I was suicidal for the first time over my math homework and to me the F on my report card was nothing but proof on paper that I was a failure, I was never going to hear the end of it from dad, and I didn't deserve to live (depression taking over here). When I failed an easy A course my freshman year of high school, I got hell from that teacher too, which SO DIDN'T HELP.

Dad: My dad's opinion of grades was that anything below a B meant you were getting a non-stop lecture from him, most of which I didn't even hear. When I turned 13 Dad also decided that NOTHING about me was okay, whether it was something I could change or not. His solution to "fixing" me was to lecture me in a negative tone the few times a year I got to see him from the time he landed until the day he left. By now I'm thinking there must be something wrong with me, it's one thing for one or two people to do this to me, it's another for most of my teachers and the most important man in my life to be doing it. I must be all these negative things they're saying.
Eventually I came to fear dad's reaction to failure more than anything and when I struggled with schoolwork of any kind I feared the worst. I never failed a class again, but I was suicidal off and on for 10 years because when I got stressed I got overwhelmed and would rather die than deal with whatever the trigger was. I also figured that if my life was going to be nothing but an endless string of failures there was no point in torturing myself for another 80 years.

Mom's opinion: I've always said I come from two types of families; Dad's the type that gave me the mental illnesses (depression and anxiety) and Mom's, the type who would never understand it. I went to my mom in a suicidal meltdown (which I can best describe as a panic attack) twice and she told me to "suck it up and get over it" Since my mentally healthy peers could handle what I was struggling with and more, and she did that and more when she was my age, I just needed to "suck it up"

2010: If anyone has seen my threads from 2010 you know how rough it was on me from literally day 2. Three people died in the first 4 months and I spent the rest of the year grieving for them, then my extended family fell apart. Add that to extreme school stress, combined with my mental illness and it was a recipe for disaster. I made it until the Friday after Thanksgiving before suffering the worst "episode" I've ever had while trying to finish a very difficult paper that was worth a major portion of my grade in a required class. The next week would also be very stressful and this was following a less than perfect Thanksgiving and then there were finals to deal with. And I had HAD ENOUGH. By this point I had been engaging in mild self-injury to deal with the stress, even though I knew it wasn't going to help.


Finally getting out: Then in January of this year I ended up in a self defense class to get my last half credit of my minor and mom and I decided that self defense was a good thing to have. If you've seen any of my posts from January on I've mentioned Master Mike a lot too.
More than the physical defense techniques he taught (which I hope I never need) He included lectures with a ton of life lessons which I needed and absorbed like a sponge. I always say I wish I knew how he did it, but I always left his class with a sense of peace that I had not gone in with and by the end of the two months I had my self-confidence back, the self-injury had stopped completely, and the suicidal thoughts were COMPETELY GONE and they stayed gone for months. The one's I remember most were:
Don't say you can't, say I'll try
If you think you can or you can't, you're right
Think different live different
Clear your mind
Just Be
You are your own worst enemy
Everyone is their own person
and his quote from one of the last classes (I swear he was talking right to me)

"Clear your mind, you don't get overwhelmed, you don't commit suicide; you don't commit suicide. Life's too short."
It was around this time that my dad finally backed off too. I'd love to know what happened to him, whether it was my new stepmom, his marriage counselor, or an epiphany of his own, he FINALLY shut up and he's only gotten on my case about stuff twice since I graduated in May.
The Test: Everything was tested when a less than smart decision on my part ended in an accidental year off. As grateful for the break as I am now, it triggered more than a few slips. but I haven't been suicidal since June (except for the week of my period in November) and I haven't injured since July and I plan on keeping it that way.

One day in February I decided that I was going to inventory my thoughts and clear them all out. I had myself in tears, but I realized that they were all based on irrational beliefs or conclusions that my depressed mind had jumped to and it took me a while to get rid of them completely.

Now that I was feeling so much better the idea of help was no longer threatening so I finally told my doctor who officially diagnosed me with depression and offered me medication which I refused because I don't think I need it. I have nothing against medication, but I don't feel it's necessary for me, at least not right now. If that changes in the future I might consider it.


What I learned:
Recovered doesn't mean that the depression is gone, it just means that it doesn't dominate my thinking anymore and that I can cope with it quickly when necessary
If life doesn't turn out exactly the way you plan, the world doesn't fall apart
You can’t control other people or save the world
Our secrets keep us sick, hiding, lying, running etc., harms only you,
Failures are learning experiences, not the end of the world
Failing doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you human

[Cabron]

Wow, Katie. I read through the whole story and I'm truthfully very inspired by you. Many nuances in your story echo my own experiences, particularly the unpleasant episodes with your teachers. When I was in the fourth grade, I had a teacher who simply seemed to have it out for me and it was awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves to be treated that way, least of all someone as amazing and beautiful as yourself. <3 I'm so glad you found a friend in Master Mike and a healthy way of expressing your emotions. And the last few conclusions you put down are things that everyone who struggles with depression, or anything else that's related to their mental health for that matter, would do well to remember. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Iris. ♥]

Wow, Katie! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It was truly inspirational to read. I'm so sorry that you had to suffer for so long, but I'm glad that you were able to find support from Master Mike. The quotes of his that you shared showed a lot of wisdom, which is something that we all need in our lives. I also loved the "What I Learned" section of your thread. It had some great thoughts in it that I really took to heart. You're an inspiring person, and it's amazing to read this and see where you are today. You're amazing.

[Kate*]

Thanks you guys. The irony is that I was actually afraid of Master Mike for the entire length of the class because he matched several stereotypes of people who had not treated me well, or who had gone off on me (namely being a male, gym teacher, and ex-military). I was always afraid that he would lose patence with me like the others had and start yelling at or criticizing me for not participating because I was afraid of getting hurt (or for being so scared of him for no reason that I couldn't even look him in the eye or speak to him until the last few classes), but he never did. He eventually forced me to participate with him and then apologized for whatever it was he did that made me so scared of him. I reassured him that it wasn't him, but that I didn't know what it was. I realize now that it was everybody who came before him. I might drop him an e-mail someday to let him know that he helped me because it's weird to me that he helped me this much and he doesn't even know.

Thanks for reading through at least part of that, I didn't intend for it to be that long (and this was actually the short version )

[Heartlines.]

I read the entire thing too. For one, you're a fantastic writer. Your words flow. For two, you are absolutely amazing. You've come so far in your life. And you've drawn so many conclusions from your experiences. Good conclusions. This has really inspired me in such a positive way. And honestly, it serves as a huge eye opener for me. It makes me think. Especially the part about recovery not makingdepression just go away. I took that as: recovery doesn't mean you feel better, it means you make steps forward. I'm so prlud of you for saying you need help to your doctor. Thats a huge step in the right direction, I'm so glad i was able to read this! <3

[Iris. ♥]

I definitely think you should write an email to Master Mike. One thing I've learned over the years is that people love to know how they helped someone else. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him to know that he was such a positive influence on you.